Tonight I feel desolate. Loneliness like a sharp line across my body, with everything a little two-dimensional.
I went for a walk in the near-by park this evening, hoping a bit of nature would soothe. I lay on a hill and looked at the sky, very pretty with pink clouds and small black shadows of birds zipping along. Often I love lying there, but tonight I still felt incredibly lonely.
I have been mulling things over, as I tend to do. I’d been having rather strange feelings about R. One morning I woke up in a complete golden type glow. Everything seemed warm and good and simple.
However I’ve determined it’s best not to see him anymore. In any case, he won’t phone for a few weeks. But if he does, best not to see him.
I wish I could have kept this as a friendship, I so much do. I long for a friend who gets me and likes me. I do have friends, but he seemed special. We had this bond of therapy and group. Well. And he really did like me, I know it.
Not sure how much this present desolation is related to this. Maybe my mind is bouncing from golden high to dark low. It’s not making a lot of sense. But I think my relationship issues are being triggered without the possibility of a relationship, which is the worst of all worlds.
I worked from home today. It means I got to rest, didn’t have to face the struggle to get in. I have such a hard time concentrating. I’ve decided I need to go back to taking the mild tranquilizer I was using previously. It lets me focus for an hour or two. I think I’m drugging the parts, but what can I do. I need to cope. I was wondering if the meds add to my depression though. How to tell.