Tonight

Tonight I feel desolate. Loneliness like a sharp line across my body, with everything a little two-dimensional.

I went for a walk in the near-by park this evening, hoping a bit of nature would soothe. I lay on a hill and looked at the sky, very pretty with pink clouds and small black shadows of birds zipping along. Often I love lying there, but tonight I still felt incredibly lonely.

I have been mulling things over, as I tend to do. I’d been having rather strange feelings about R. One morning I woke up in a complete golden type glow. Everything seemed warm and good and simple.

However I’ve determined it’s best not to see him anymore. In any case, he won’t phone for a few weeks. But if he does, best not to see him.

I wish I could have kept this as a friendship, I so much do. I long for a friend who gets me and likes me. I do have friends, but he seemed special. We had this bond of therapy and group. Well. And he really did like me, I know it.

Not sure how much this present desolation is related to this. Maybe my mind is bouncing from golden high to dark low. It’s not making a lot of sense. But I think my relationship issues are being triggered without the possibility of a relationship, which is the worst of all worlds.

I worked from home today. It means I got to rest, didn’t have to face the struggle to get in. I have such a hard time concentrating. I’ve decided I need to go back to taking the mild tranquilizer I was using previously. It lets me focus for an hour or two. I think I’m drugging the parts, but what can I do. I need to cope. I was wondering if the meds add to my depression though. How to tell.

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15 comments
  1. Hi Ellen, thank you for writing this, because it actually makes me feel just the tiniest bit less alone. Even though everything still feels very hollow and the loneliness very big, just knowing someone else out there gets it helps. Sorry I can’t say things to cheer you up or encourage you presently, but at least I can keep you company in the lonely.

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi Brandic – You are very good company, thank you. 🙂 Sorry you are lonely also though. It’s a tough feeling. I’ve never gotten such instant feedback – it’s as if I just called you! Have a good night.

    • Haha yeah usually I’ll make note of blogs to read for later, even if I see them right when they pop up in my inbox, but I saw the first line of yours and had to read it/respond immediately. I could just so much relate. You can call it “instant commenting”, or, ICing ;).

      Hope you have a good night too.

  3. Ellen said:

    Heh. Thanks for IC’ing.

  4. katesmum said:

    I understand what you mean about loneliness feeling like a physical pain. I read your blog post this evening and I really felt for you. I know sometimes it helps me just to know someone is reading and hearing what I am feeling – I hope that this might help in some small way.
    Take care,Chris

    • Ellen said:

      It does help, thank you Chris

  5. i think you should take this to ron, and work it through. perhaps it is a fear of intimacy that is preventing you from starting up a friendship. yes, you have a crush that will stay unrequited (i’ve had my share of those…. i think we all have… and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that) but it would be a shame to send someone out of your life that you obviously like so much. i know you yearn for honest and deep connections with others, and here is someone who is offering that. if you can explore this before shutting it down i think that would be fruitful.

    • Ellen said:

      You could be right Catherine. Difficult to see though how this could work unless the attraction feelings subside – it will just cause me pain. All my crushes have been unrequited. That hurts. And now I am older and am unlikely to find anyone. So it’s sad for me, this whole area. thx

      • Most of my crushes have been unrequited, too. Plus I am insecure about my age and weight. Plus I am lonely… not just that I am not in a relationship, and haven’t been for years, but also I feel “different” from the rest of the planet because of my abuse… I guess I’m saying I can really relate. But here’s a chance to do something different, and you have Ron to help you muddle through. Are you afraid that the pain of unrequited will be too much to handle? I know you are very, very strong. Don’t give away your power.

        • Ellen said:

          Sorry to hear you can relate to this, because it is painful. Though unrequited love seems a little strong of a term for this. It’s true I can discuss this in therapy. The fact is, I won’t see R for weeks unless I invite him to do something, so it’s not like I’m actively shutting something down. I’d have to pursue, so to speak. So why do that….

          I would like to work this issue with men through in therapy, it would be great. But I’d rather do that with an actual dating relationship. I really don’t feel I’m avoiding. I’m just not chasing after something that is not happening anyway.

          Thanks for the comment!

  6. Ellen,

    I am so sorry you’re feeling so lonely. I have a friend of mine 700 miles away, and I feel so connected to her via healing and sharing abuse history, she has a little girl and a husband, and I miss them all constantly. They feel like the family I never have and should have. I have been asking her to send me daily pictures so I can feel more connected, and it’s helped some. I also send her handwritten letters a few times a week, which helps. Even though we have distance between us, I work to make it less heartachey for me.

    Though it’s not the same as a love, or a romantic interest, I can imagine the pain magnified x100.
    I hope you get your feelings figured out and some reassurance for them.

    Thinking of you at this time,
    Penney

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Penney – Great to meet you. Good to hear you have that support, even if it has to be at a distance. Letters and pics make a difference I’m sure.

      My own feelings aren’t really hugely romantic – it didn’t go far enough for that, though it was painful. I think I am susceptible because of a general loneliness, so I will work on that. Thanks for the support

  7. Don’t be worried about not finding someone. I have a close male friend and he found the love of his love at 55 years old, after two horribly abusive marriages, and he’s got some emotional baggage, too.

    Don’t fret – there is always time for love.

    • Ellen said:

      What a lovely story, thank you!

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