Better. I’ve snapped back to normal. Dealing with what to me is normal – fatigue, trying to make it through the day somehow or other. But the depression I was in has lifted, touch wood.
What I did. I wrote out some of my feelings and sent them to Ron in an email. He won’t get it until he gets back, so I don’t have to feel guilty about disturbing his vacation. Something shifted somehow. Then all night I was angry. Don’t ask me what about because I don’t know. Not over the top furious, but a steady burning anger. I woke up every few hours and there it was – anger.
Back at work today. That’s definitely not what did it – I have gone to work in depression and believe me, work does not help. I’d been worried I’d have to start off this new contract being depressed, which people can see, so I’m very glad I snapped out of it.
That being said, it’s probably good for me to be with people in an ordinary situation I can basically handle. Like work. Due to waking up every few hours, and having to show up at work in the morning, I was tired. Compared to being depressed, that is a cake walk.
Yay. Yay. Yay. I’m out of that irrational depression. And note to self – Ron did not magically appear to make it better. He is still off vacationing.
In other news, I have noticed twice now in the last few days that my people skills have improved. It’s like all of a sudden I am better with people – a leap forward, not a gradual thing at all. I noticed when I had dinner with my ex, I could read him a lot better than usual. I think my default reaction to people is a kind of anxious coping….it’s hard to explain. This time I noticed that he talked a lot about the weather….that he did not wish to talk about an important current personal event in his life….that he basically didn’t want to talk much. I would not have noticed this in the past, just blamed myself for a boring dinner. I felt like I was suddenly able to read him.
This may not sound positive, but it is. I have this kind of dysfunctional relationship with him that confuses me, but I feel like I’m getting a handle on it.
The other was my new client / boss. We met and I was able to stay very calm and adult. I know this is a given for most people, but it isn’t for me, I constantly spin off usually, so I cope by trying to say as little as possible.
This is very very huge for me. I know the way the PTSD affected me hugely influences how I am able to interact with people. I don’t have addictions or outright self-harming behaviours, but interpersonal I mess up all the time. It’s difficult to describe, and I don’t think it’s that common a result of abuse, but for me that’s what has happened.
I believe it must be the result of being in Ron’s group. Week after week, we dealt with our relationships to other people. All that fear and anxiety, week after week, seems to have paid off. I am very surprised. I hadn’t noticed it helping me at all.
Besides the sheer relief of having Ron be on my side, kind of propping me up, this is the first real gain I’ve seen from my therapy. If it turns out to be solid and lasting, this is worth all the effort and expense. I’ll have to see of course. But it’s huge and I’m excited and hopeful at the moment.
And in further news, I found out just now I got the rate increase I’d asked for. It’s always amazing to me, that just for taking the trouble to ask, I get what I want. It wasn’t too presumptuous to ask.
So, better paid and with new social insights. This is good.