Better. I’ve snapped back to normal. Dealing with what to me is normal – fatigue, trying to make it through the day somehow or other. But the depression I was in has lifted, touch wood.

What I did. I wrote out some of my feelings and sent them to Ron in an email. He won’t get it until he gets back, so I don’t have to feel guilty about disturbing his vacation. Something shifted somehow. Then all night I was angry. Don’t ask me what about because I don’t know. Not over the top furious, but a steady burning anger. I woke up every few hours and there it was – anger.

Back at work today. That’s definitely not what did it – I have gone to work in depression and believe me, work does not help. I’d been worried I’d have to start off this new contract being depressed, which people can see, so I’m very glad I snapped out of it.

That being said, it’s probably good for me to be with people in an ordinary situation I can basically handle. Like work. Due to waking up every few hours, and having to show up at work in the morning, I was tired. Compared to being depressed, that is a cake walk.

Yay. Yay. Yay. I’m out of that irrational depression. And note to self – Ron did not magically appear to make it better. He is still off vacationing.

In other news, I have noticed twice now in the last few days that my people skills have improved. It’s like all of a sudden I am better with people – a leap forward, not a gradual thing at all. I noticed when I had dinner with my ex, I could read him a lot better than usual. I think my default reaction to people is a kind of anxious coping….it’s hard to explain. This time I noticed that he talked a lot about the weather….that he did not wish to talk about an important current personal event in his life….that he basically didn’t want to talk much. I would not have noticed this in the past, just blamed myself for a boring dinner. I felt like I was suddenly able to read him.

This may not sound positive, but it is. I have this kind of dysfunctional relationship with him that confuses me, but I feel like I’m getting a handle on it.

The other was my new client / boss. We met and I was able to stay very calm and adult. I know this is a given for most people, but it isn’t for me, I constantly spin off usually, so I cope by trying to say as little as possible.

This is very very huge for me. I know the way the PTSD affected me hugely influences how I am able to interact with people. I don’t have addictions or outright self-harming behaviours, but interpersonal I mess up all the time. It’s difficult to describe, and I don’t think it’s that common a result of abuse, but for me that’s what has happened.

I believe it must be the result of being in Ron’s group. Week after week, we dealt with our relationships to other people. All that fear and anxiety, week after week, seems to have paid off. I am very surprised. I hadn’t noticed it helping me at all.

Besides the sheer relief of having Ron be on my side, kind of propping me up, this is the first real gain I’ve seen from my therapy. If it turns out to be solid and lasting, this is worth all the effort and expense. I’ll have to see of course. But it’s huge and I’m excited and hopeful at the moment.

And in further news, I found out just now I got the rate increase I’d asked for. It’s always amazing to me, that just for taking the trouble to ask, I get what I want. It wasn’t too presumptuous to ask.

So, better paid and with new social insights. This is good.

  1. attached said:

    Congratulations on the raise!!!

    I’m glad to hear you are feeling better. Sometimes it doesn’t matter why you feel better. People skills and social insight are giant steps. I look forward to reading more about those.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Di. I’m hoping the gains continue.

  2. Ellen, Of course you are making huge strides. Why? Because you’ve been putting in huge amounts of effort and work, and you keep at it in a way I find inspiring.

    There will be low points again. Enjoy the highs and know that the lows are bound to return–but try and keep a piece of yourself that remembers how one passes to the next. if you can at least retain some sense that the moment of doubt and fear and darkness will pass, you can bear it just a little more…

    In my opinion, you’re beginning to read others better because you require less internal focus. You’ve started to heal, and as you become more healed, you can begin to focus more on the people around you–and you can begin to see that it’s very rarely personal when someone is in a mood–whether good or bad or otherwise. It’s almost always about them, and not you (and vise versa).

    I am so happy for your progress–you should celebrate, you’ve earned it!!

    • Ellen said:

      That is the trick, remembering that it all passes. I’m not at all good at that, but at least I write it down. My mood did dip again, and you know, I held on to your comment that you find my efforts inspiring. Hard to believe but why would you say it if it wasn’t true? I am making efforts and it’s lovely of you to say that.

      You could be right about the ‘less internal focus’. I just don’t know. I do think a part of it is being more aware of my tendency to switch into younger parts by mistake, and trying to calm that down.

      Thank you!

  3. Bourbon said:

    *smiles* πŸ™‚ xox

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Lovely. (English phrase I’m picking up from reading your blog Bourbon.)

      • Bourbon said:

        Hehe πŸ˜€
        Head on over to my blog lovely (throwing my English phrase right back at ya) as there is a Sisterhood of the World Blogger award there for you. Just to say thanks for being here and being great x

  4. Amanda said:

    I am glad to come back to your blog, to find this post! I am glad that things are falling into place a bit, and that you got a raise! Congrats on that!! You have done so much hard work, and I’m glad to be here with you to see the results.

    Keep at it! You’re doing so great!!

  5. This statement is revealing: It’s always amazing to me, that just for taking the trouble to ask, I get what I want

    I have trouble with this, too – difficulty comprehending that I’m a person, and it’s OK for me to ask for what I want, that I’m not going to be belittled, abused, or hurt with my desire.

    • Ellen said:

      It is great to ask and to receive. When it involves money, it’s that much harder for me, but I’m realizing there’s lots of money out there, and it’s up to me to ensure some of that flows my way! Sometimes that does work. Cheers

  6. laura said:

    hi Ellen, I’ve been missing your posts, and it seems that your link in my blogroll has not been updating.
    I wonder if naming your feelings in the email helped to lift them. Tara Brach says to Recognize and Allow your emotions, make space for them. I think I’ve noticed sometimes that talking over a conflict-laden situation either with Howard, or in my journal seems to ease the conflict – sometimes. I don’t know why it does sometimes, and not others… it’s great when it happens, though! and the increased social ease seems like a wonderful thing!

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Laura – I wonder why it’s not updating….Yes I believe that naming feelings does help me move through them. That’s the whole reason I write emails to Ron. He doesn’t usually say anything much in return, but I get a chance to express myself. Sometimes though nothing helps, I’m with you on that, unfortunately. Cheers

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