Sad sad sad. i cannot shake it. I can’t do stuff I need to do because I always need to lie down and be sad.
Today I had lunch with a friend. I walked back through China town, buying some small bowls for 2 bucks each. And through the market, got green beans and organic coffee from Brazil. Drank an espresso. Tried to read my novel, which is fab, but a little depressing just because it deals with a woman whose husband dies.
I need to open my mail. It’s been sitting unopened for months, and was one of my tasks for my vacation. Didn’t do it. The envelopes are piled up and teetering, pristine and white.
Laundry? No. I always manage laundry, but not this week. I have egglpant ready to be cooked into ratatouille, but no. Tomatoes, zucchini….all stay intact. I’m not having much impact on my world.
Nothing gives pleasure. I try switching books – a book on psychology? Mystery? Really badly written mystery? Words blur after a few minutes. What is the difference if I read or not.
I try and feel what’s under the depression, I sink down. Just seems like blackness. A little watery.
If I just try harder, will that help? Force myself to cook? Issue orders to myself like some deranged corporal? Is it my fault, am I not doing enough, if I just tried harder, would I be OK?