I’ve really fallen into depression. I can’t say I’m processing stuff either, as happens with therapy. Just miserable. I want to lie down all the time, sometimes I fall asleep. I remember this depression so well – I suffered from it for years, and I haven’t had it for a long time. It seems impossible to fight because I just feel so fatigued.
I was thinking maybe the kid was unhappy. I haven’t been doing much for her. I tried watching some cartoons, but stayed sad. I ate ice cream. OK, I can eat it, but it doesn’t make me happy.
I wonder if it’s sheer sorrow that Ron has left? He is coming back after all. One definition of depression is mourning for a loss, so maybe I’m mourning.
Dinner last night was tolerable I suppose. I can really see how I have changed after a year of therapy and group. My tolerance for this group of people is actually less than it was. It’s a social anxiety group. I was seated near people who were pretty new. All men – the group is 90% men. I talked to them a bit, but I have to say, every single overture was from my end. I wasn’t asked a single question about myself. I’d ask one of them a question, they’d answer for a bit, I’d try desperately to find some common ground, not really succeeding, and that would be that. End of conversation.
I don’t care enough to keep trying with people like that. I was thinking, my God, what am I doing here? If I’m going to go out with people I don’t know, why not try to go out with people who don’t have social anxiety? They would be a million times easier to talk to.
I guess if I had something in common with anyone from dinner last night, I wouldn’t mind the effort so much. But I don’t. So why bother.
That said, it was OK anyway. The food was good. I had a beer. I left right after the dinner, so it didn’t take up much of my evening.
Today I went to church. Also fine. I’m not a believer, but I’m willing to believe. Sometimes I enjoy the ritual and the music. I would stay away from any kind of conservative beliefs, but this church seems pretty open and socially aware. One of the priests talked about being out as a gay man for instance – not the focus of his sermon, but he just mentioned that. I liked that.
Should have stayed for coffee time but chickened out.
This afternoon I will meet a friend and we will go to a movie.
I need to at least do some laundry and cooking before I leave. I am completely lethargic and unmotivated. Everything is too much trouble.
I wish I knew what was wrong but I don’t. I’ve been doubting whether therapy is helping me at all. Really interesting though that I could see how I’ve changed at that dinner. I no longer blame myself for difficult social interactions and I really want more out of them now, which is new.
Oh and I went to my 12-step group again – Emotions Anonymous. Rather guiltily, as I’m using them as a drop-in rather than diligently working the steps. I see the group differently now too. I can really see how people bring up topics, and share, which provides a certain relief for sure. But then, they do not go deeper, and I can see now where they could go deeper. And where I could go deeper.
Those groups are not really set up for actual therapy of course. But I never really saw before how there’s a difference between kind of stating your issue, and trying to work it through. The group is not enough to work things through I think.
Going did make me feel better though. It’s lovely to just be able to speak a bit of the truth of how I’m feeling, even without working anything through. And going out for a snack afterwards was good – you can get to know your fellow group members. I want to keep going.
I feel a kind of a wall that stops me from going to things. This last week, I got so fed up with myself for avoiding everything, I was determined to go out. I ended up taking some xanax just to get my bum out the door. That works pretty well. It’s an anxiety wall, even though it manifests as disinterest, thinking I need to rest, thinking of all the difficulty of going out. Nope, it’s fear.