Difficult

I woke up at five this morning in complete black despair. I felt afraid and alone. My mind jumped into action reviewing my failed life. A tip – don’t believe you rmind when it revs into action at 5 am.

This is a venting type post.

I have been going out more, and tonight I have said I’m going to a group dinner, and I feel like crap, and I don’t want to go. However, I need to go and be with people. These are not my favorite people, but they’re OK. Sometimes I have had a decent time with them.

I just feel different. Alone. Hopeless. Now I have to go and pretend everything is OK. It’s not really. I have a part that wants to die. OK, she’s always there, but not always this loud. How can I go and have a social dinner while a part of me wants to die?

I went for a walk-run and I know it’s triggered stuff off but once that happens I don’t know what to do with it. There is no one who can stand to hear it except Ron and he’s buggered off canoeing or some such.

Dealing with this stuff is hard. It’s like huge chunks of blackness ready to fall on me if I so much as breathe hard for a few minutes.

I’m going to be late. This is an anxiety group and they are all always early. So I’ll get stuck beside a person who does not talk at all. Whom I will have to take care of.

It’s just hard.

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4 comments
  1. Bourbon said:

    I know I’m not the same as Ron but I have a good listening ear. You can always email me at bourbonandchild@gmail.com. Always. I’m sorry you are feeling so down in the dumps. Here’s hoping the group dinner picks you up just a touch? Sending you some strengthening thoughts xx

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for the email addy Bourbon. I appreciate that. The dinner wasn’t great but I got through it at least.

  2. hi .i would try to not feel you need to take care of the non talking person next to you.i know for me i hate to be with a bunch of people and i am usually the non talking person and am happy to be that person .most of the time i am terrified of other people talking to me. when i am in a situation that i need to talk and all .i sometimes pretend i am not who i am .i guess i kind of dissociate from the situation.this halps me be able to interact with others

    i think it is great that you are trying to get out more even when you are feeling bad.it must be so so hard.please take care of yourself and do some things that make you feel a little bit better.wear something that makes you feel good or something like that.

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Self – It’s a social anxiety group, so people are there because they want to practice socializing. I think if you didn’t want to talk you wouldn’t go to this kind of dinner most likely. But it’s good to keep in mind some people really don’t want to talk.

      Thanks for the encouragement.

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