I woke up at five this morning in complete black despair. I felt afraid and alone. My mind jumped into action reviewing my failed life. A tip – don’t believe you rmind when it revs into action at 5 am.
This is a venting type post.
I have been going out more, and tonight I have said I’m going to a group dinner, and I feel like crap, and I don’t want to go. However, I need to go and be with people. These are not my favorite people, but they’re OK. Sometimes I have had a decent time with them.
I just feel different. Alone. Hopeless. Now I have to go and pretend everything is OK. It’s not really. I have a part that wants to die. OK, she’s always there, but not always this loud. How can I go and have a social dinner while a part of me wants to die?
I went for a walk-run and I know it’s triggered stuff off but once that happens I don’t know what to do with it. There is no one who can stand to hear it except Ron and he’s buggered off canoeing or some such.
Dealing with this stuff is hard. It’s like huge chunks of blackness ready to fall on me if I so much as breathe hard for a few minutes.
I’m going to be late. This is an anxiety group and they are all always early. So I’ll get stuck beside a person who does not talk at all. Whom I will have to take care of.
It’s just hard.