Vacation doldrums

It is so humid here sweat is running down my legs, and it’s ten at night. Rain should be coming tomorrow.

I’ve slid into depression a bit. Not completely. But a bit.

I’m still on vacation, and it does feel good to deeply rest. Every day I do go somewhere. Today I again went down to the lake and read my book.

I guess….it is lonely. I hadn’t talked to anyone since the weekend until my friend happened to call this evening. And my book is boring. Well, it’s actually good but it’s not grabbing me. It won a prize, and I can see the writing is good. It’s about the wild west, and two assassins who are on their way across the states to assassinate their latest target. I guess I can’t really relate to this topic. LOL. The Sisters Brothers.

On the other hand, is there someone I wish I could assassinate? No one springs to mind.

My possibly new friend R and I were supposed to have an outing today, but I didn’t hear from him, so nothing doing. I’d called him the other two times we had gone for a walk, so I am leaving it up to him to call me. I want to give him lots of room in case I freaked him out with my anxiety last time we met. And likely that is what happened, as I didn’t hear from him despite our tentative plans.

That’s OK. I’m not going to chase after anyone to be my friend. Though I don’t feel bad about calling him in the first place, I think it was fine. He was always saying how much he liked me, so it made sense to think he did, and I could use another friend.

I miss Ron in a way. We wouldn’t have had a session yet anyway, but I know he’s out of the city. As well, I would likely have emailed him by now, but I am not doing that, as I don’t want to disturb his vacation in any way. Next week he will not have access to email at all. Or phone I suppose.

I consider quitting therapy altogether. How would I feel? It wouldn’t make any difference immediately, which is what I’d want it to do. Perhaps I’d feel less abandoned if I quit.

Lastly, I have a writing assignment due tomorrow and I can’t get started. A journey, with conflict, 350 words. I need inspiration to strike.

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely. I know the feeling all too well. Thinking of you xx

  2. Bourbon said:

    I’d probably feel less abandoned if I quit. Got ya back with that one. I completely relate to that. Therapeutic relationships are so fraught with abandonment issues and testing behaviours. I know you miss him loads but I hope you can hang onto the fact that he probably is thinking about you too. And wouldn’t want you to quit at all. Xx

    • Ellen said:

      It’s bass ackwards isn’t it. You left me so I’ll leave you so there! When really that’s not what I want. Thanks Bourbon

      • Bourbon said:

        Self protection often is backwards. I did it with my partner in this whole situation this week. I pushed him to dump me then had a massive fit of abandonment when he did. Silly really. Still as long as we are aware of these behaviours we can start to catch the impulses x

        • Ellen said:

          Yes, acting out those impulses leads to problems, especially in real life. Mostly I resist the impulses to quit therapy in a huff, because I know my feelings will change. Being dumped though will bring up abandonment for almost anyone, regardless of the reason for it. I don’t think it’s your fault and I’m sorry it’s happening to you Bourbon.

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