We’ve had perfect summer day follow perfect day here – blue sky, hot. Sometimes too hot. I’ve been wanting to take advantage, but today I got bored of the weather and decided to go shopping downtown instead. I need to actually buy furniture. I peeked into two furniture stores and then ducked out, stomach giving me problems. A friend says I need encouragement to do things like that. It’s a little depressing to think I do, at my age, but it’s mostly true. The two largish purchases I’ve made, years ago, I had to take a friend along.
I am veering between being glad I’m on holiday and can rest, and still processing the memory that came up for me in therapy, and feeling alone. Every time I go out to do something, I come back and fall into my usual ‘traumatic sleep’ and then have to fight my way out of the ensuing depression, which takes the rest of the day.
Today I felt flashbacky, so I stayed home until late afternoon. I thought I’d let things come up and hopefully pass through. The idea is kind of like throwing up bad food or something. Not sure if that works or not. I did start feeling calmer after paying attention to feelings for a while. But they’re still here.
I’m reading a fantasy novel called Fire, about a young girl who reads minds and becomes involved in the politics of a feudal type kingdom. In some moods, I love these type of books. I find them to be kind of like dealing with trauma. For instance, Fire had an evil father, whom she feared but also loved, and had to kill him to save the kingdom from his horrible ways. She doesn’t tell anyone about this, and is tortured by self-recrimination and guilt for it. In the meantime she’s heroically dealing with huge challenges – see why it appeals?
Another thing that appeals – she is beset by monsters attacking her out of the blue and must constantly use her mind-reading powers to scan for dangers. Things attacking out of thin air? Sounds like PTSD symptoms to me.