Feeling calmer today. Sometimes you just have to go through anger. One interesting fact – the more I let myself feel angry, outraged and hard done by, the less I suffered from suicidal thoughts and fantasies. You’d think it would be the other way around, but for me, it isn’t.
I’m going to post the parts of my therapy that resonated with me, as a change from trying to re-create the whole thing regardless of what it meant for me. See if I like that better.
R. How do you feel about my going on vacation?
E. How do you think I feel?
R. I don’t know.
E. I’ve talked about it before.
R. Feelings can change. They can be complex and layered. Do you think because we’ve discussed something before, it shouldn’t be talked about again?
E. Do you think that’s what I mean? OK, sorry. What were you asking me?
R. Just how you feel about my going away.
E. I feel bad. But…it’s not me so much, that has the problem with it. It’s the kid who gets upset.
R. Then does the kid want to talk about it?
The kid part of me does not want to talk, and we don’t get very far with this topic. I can’t feel anything about it, except a looming sense of depression, which I don’t know how to talk about. At the end of the session, this comes up again. It’s not the kid though who talks, it’s the actual adult me who rarely seems to get a chance to say her opinion.
E. You know, I am envious of you. You got to have a family, career, a place for vacations, you can go camping. I didn’t get to have that. For me, being in a family was horrible, it was like being terrorized. At least I’m not in that situation anymore. But if I want to talk to anyone, I have to plan it, phone someone up, make a plan, get together. I can’t go camping – exercise makes me dissociate. I would like to have what you have. I would like to have a partner, vacations. I don’t know what your life is really like of course, but in my imagination, it seems pretty nice.
Ron looks at me, and doesn’t say anything.