Therapy Friday

Went for therapy and now I’m angry and depressed. I don’t know if this therapy is helping me and I don’t really care. I’m just fed up. I hate Ron and I hate therapy and I hate his office and I hate vacations.

OK, that was the kid. I am also angry with Ron. And the stupid thing is I wasn’t angry in the session. I was kind of conciliatory is how I think of it. Treating him as if he was a friend. But he’s not a friend. I pay him lots of lovely money and that’s so I don’t have to take care of him.

I really wonder if he knows his job. Really. He is supposed to be helping me and he’s not.

At home, I’ve been fantasizing about stabbing myself with sharp objects – knives, breaking a wine glass. Then I get to stab others with the broken wine glass. I’m in a great state of mind.

I never do these things, but they go through my mind in an obsessive way. I really hate blood. And self-harm – I’d never heard of that when I was a teenager, when that behaviour mostly starts. I wonder if you have to know about it, or if people who self harm just discover that for themselves? In any case, I’m glad I don’t have that addiction to contend with.

We talked about his vacation but I didn’t get too far with it. I didn’t seem to feel much. Now I feel like quitting therapy and never seeing the guy again ever. Which would hurt me and not him of course.

Why was I trying to be a nice person in my session? What a waste of time.

I think this blog maybe isn’t helping. I review my sessions and think wow, you’re not being kind to Ron are you? Just a bad person with a bad personality. So I tried to be nice to him.

He didn’t say I could write to him, or tell me to call if I needed to either.

For some reason he brought up the f’ing group, did I want to join. I didn’t answer when he asked, but towards the end of the session I said I might go back. I wish I hadn’t said that.

He can go to hell.

  1. gniz said:

    Hmmm….a couple of things come to mind reading this.First, is that this writing style sounds a bit like "the teenager" whom you've described as very, very dark and depressed and angry (if my memory serves me).Secondly, remember that this is just a state of mind that will pass. As intense as it is, as real as this anger and this destructive feeling feels–they are just passing and soon you will look back and wonder what was going on that you felt things were this bad.Even if its just a little piece of you, try to remember that this isn't always like this.As for what happened in therapy, it seems you haven't totally described what happened to set you into this spiral.I am thinking good thoughts and I know you'll come out of this feeling better. Take care of yourself and remember you have readers and people in your life who do care what happens to you.Aaron

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi gniz,That's really perceptive of you – that is the teenager. Self-destructive and completely irrational. I still feel angry but it's receding so I'm not overwhelmed anymore. I just have to go through these things. Instead of stuffing them down – I think it's progress maybe.Yes, I haven't described the session. The feelings are more about Ron leaving for two weeks, but likely the session contributed.So kind of you to comment on my rant and to care. Thank you.

  3. Laura said:

    I hear you!I find it really hard to express anger at Howard. I've managed it maybe twice, in 5 years – and I couldn't look at him. how's that for pathetic? Usually, I talk myself out of being angry by the time the session rolls around.I think, though, that there's a kind of honeymoon effect that's (finally) wearing off, and I'm noticing that I'm less in awe of him, and/or less focused on him… not that he isn't just as FABULOUS, but I'm still me, and I still have problems, and his fabulousness doesn't make them disappear, and I guess I'm more USED to having him there… for whatever reason, I'm able to relax more, and more comes up, and I'm able to respond to what comes up as well as what he says in the moment. I'm not afraid that he'll fire me, or dislike me.maybe the intense focus on him was a defense seems like sessions don't make me intensely happy the way they used to, but I'm able to be more myself with him, and that not only feels good, but I'm sure it's good for therapy it's like he's on my shoulder, and I can now show him the world through my eyes, feelings and thoughts.Can't believe you've been in therapy with Ron for such a short time!

  4. Laura said:

    I also wonder fairly frequently whether therapy is working.There was a young woman in my group who said she'd been in therapy since she was in kindergarten (around 22 years) – and yet, she was the most defended, most vulnerable person there, and she quit after 3 meetings because it was unbearable. It illustrated for me that OUR resistance to change is what keeps therapy from working.

  5. Ruth said:

    I am going to express a very different perspective. My thought was, "Cool, you and the kid expressed the same emotion at the same time." To me that is a huge step to be able to share the same feeling between parts. The kid's expression of anger was more like a teenagers. Your expression of anger is more like a mature adult in that you had thoughts of harming but no intention of caring it out. Maybe not today but in time you may look back and see this as a mile stone towards healthy. Just my opinion. Ellen, if I got a buck for every time I was flaming mad at my counselor I would have paid for most of it. I learned about 3 years into it that he purposely tried to get me angry so I would talk about the stuff that I really felt. He had to first get past the walls of indifference I erected for self protection. KavinCoach was not opposed to using anger to shake me up and get me to talk. Anger can be healthy, just depends what you decide to do with it. Hugs.

  6. Ellen said:

    @ Laura – I don't think it's pathetic at all. Anger is really difficult for a lot of us, especially women. I think it's actually a bit easier for me than a lot of women, but for me too, I often can't feel it while in the session – it hits me afterwards, as in this case. That is a very long honeymoon effect! I think I stopped idealizing Ron after a few months. It's my nature to struggle. Good that you can be more real now. I wonder what it would be like to have sessions make me happy. Mine make me desperately sad. Interesting about the woman in your group. Hope you're finding it useful yourself. I actually know therapy is helping me, but I'm less sure about group.Thanks for sharing your experience with me. @ Ruth – Interesting way of looking at it Ruth. I think for me though, since I don't have full-blown DID, feelings do seep through between parts quite a bit, in general. But yeah, everyone hates it when Ron leaves. Flaming mad is a good description. I have rarely been as purely angry with anyone as I have with Ron. I don't think he gets me angry on purpose – interesting your T did that. Enough comes up that it happens anyway. I think anger can be healthy too.Thanks!

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