Went for therapy and now I’m angry and depressed. I don’t know if this therapy is helping me and I don’t really care. I’m just fed up. I hate Ron and I hate therapy and I hate his office and I hate vacations.
OK, that was the kid. I am also angry with Ron. And the stupid thing is I wasn’t angry in the session. I was kind of conciliatory is how I think of it. Treating him as if he was a friend. But he’s not a friend. I pay him lots of lovely money and that’s so I don’t have to take care of him.
I really wonder if he knows his job. Really. He is supposed to be helping me and he’s not.
At home, I’ve been fantasizing about stabbing myself with sharp objects – knives, breaking a wine glass. Then I get to stab others with the broken wine glass. I’m in a great state of mind.
I never do these things, but they go through my mind in an obsessive way. I really hate blood. And self-harm – I’d never heard of that when I was a teenager, when that behaviour mostly starts. I wonder if you have to know about it, or if people who self harm just discover that for themselves? In any case, I’m glad I don’t have that addiction to contend with.
We talked about his vacation but I didn’t get too far with it. I didn’t seem to feel much. Now I feel like quitting therapy and never seeing the guy again ever. Which would hurt me and not him of course.
Why was I trying to be a nice person in my session? What a waste of time.
I think this blog maybe isn’t helping. I review my sessions and think wow, you’re not being kind to Ron are you? Just a bad person with a bad personality. So I tried to be nice to him.
He didn’t say I could write to him, or tell me to call if I needed to either.
For some reason he brought up the f’ing group, did I want to join. I didn’t answer when he asked, but towards the end of the session I said I might go back. I wish I hadn’t said that.
He can go to hell.