I’ve been on vacation the last few days, off for the next two weeks. There have been fun parts. I live near a lake and have been down there three times now. Mostly I walk around, then find a shady spot and read.
I’ve been trying to head out early in the day (earlier than noon) since I’m horribly slow to get up and get organized, this has been a challenge. One day I did really well, out by 10:30. I find I get happy being out and about. The one day when I stayed home, I ended up sad and super lonely. The kid loves outings, so if I can keep the kid happy, give her a few things she wants, I will also be happy.
There’s a cafe down where I walk, right by the water. It’s not cheap, but you can sit in the shade under an umbrella and sip iced drinks looking over the water. They put these little palm trees in pots in front of the gate, so I see palms, sand, and blue water, with highrises in a haze in the distance. I like it….I’ve never been to the tropics, but it seems very ‘vacationy’ to me. I’m easily pleased obviously.
There was a problem with what book to take. I tried a murder mystery and a more serious novel, both of which I quite like. Didn’t hit the spot. Today I took a young adult novel called Fire, a fantasy about a half girl, half ‘monster’ who is impossibly beautiful and reads minds. The kid likes this one, or some part anyway, so that was relaxing to read.
I find with books, suddenly one loses all appeal, and I have to switch to something different.
I’ve been having some issues with the additional exercise. I’m trying to feel the emotion the exercise seems to generate, instead of dissociating, but it’s difficult. Today after more than two hours of being out, I started to feel sad and extremely tired, and thought I needed to go home right away and go and lie down. I am trying to feel whatever it is right there, instead of going home and shutting down. Some sadness is as far as I got with it.
At home I still feel the need to sleep after all the walking, but I’m not waking up as depressed as I normally would.
So it’s not bad. I’m tired of completely restricting my life because I’m afraid of the triggers / dissociation. I love being out and about with other people on vacation also. And just by myself, looking over the lake….reading, looking up into the sky. I want to know I’ve had two weeks off in the summer. So the plan is to keep going out. Maybe broaden my repertoire of places to go.