Therapy Friday 3

…continued

E. What happens is I keep going through a scenario. I’ll start saying a few things, always the same, and I’ll have no idea why I’m saying it or what the story is that goes with it.

R. What do you say?

E. I can’t really remember. Which is crazy because it happens over and over again.

R. When did it start?

E. I don’t really know….I’ve had it before, but this week it was really happening a lot.

R. Can you remember what is happening just before this happens?

E. No. It just seems to be out of the blue.

R. In my experience, something like this is triggered by something that is happening.

E. I don’t think so. I remember once it was in the shower…once I was lying down trying to feel. It seems to happen when I’m by myself. I think I say….
(switch into the kid) I don’t like it….I don’t like that. I don’t want to go home…or I want to go home. Stuff like that.
(switch out)
It’s kind of like that. Not exactly, but kind of. It happens over and over, but then I forget it again right away too.

Ron doesn’t say anything.

E. I’m in it a bit. I get a sense of my father…..He used to be nice, when I was young, he was playful.

R. When did that change?

E. And now….I’m feeling mad. And….I feel like you don’t care. That’s how I feel.

E. Things are just chaotic, and they don’t make sense.

R. You’re not giving yourself much time to make sense of things.

I feel bad I’ve told Ron he doesn’t care, but I totally know it’s part of the memory fragment I’ve got a hold of. 

E. What’s it like being a therapist?

R. It’s….sometimes it’s just like life, but really, it’s different.

Ron must have said more than this, but I can’t remember.

R. Is there anything you want to say before we finish?

E. I feel upset, I do….

R. By this last part.

E. Yes.

I get up to leave.

R. Take care.

E. Thanks.

Today I’m having a bad day. I wish there was someone I could talk to. I think if R was really a good friend, I could talk to him. But I don’t want to overwhelm him. He told me stuff about his former girlfriend – that she took advantage of him, couldn’t take care of herself. Not that this is a girlfriend situation. But I am leery of being needy, partly for this reason.

Here’s a Canadian singer from the East coast I just discovered today, Christina Martin. She seems to be singing about this – needing to talk to a friend, but that friend is not there for her. I ignored the TV interview part of it, though I like the funkiness of the balcony.

Hmm…OK, maybe it’s a story of love gone wrong, on third listen. Still, the quality of longing in this spoke to me. 

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8 comments
  1. Laura said:

    it's wonderful how you're staying in the moment, and he stays out of your way. the part that demands that you make sense RIGHT NOW! is that the censor part? is it concerned about confusing (and turning off) your listener? I loved his response.do you think perhaps when you were talking about your father when you were younger, and he was nice, and playful – and Ron asked 'when did that change?' – do you think you felt angry because you wanted to stay in that place where your Dad was nice, and he was changing the subject, as if he didn't want to hear about it?seems like a lot of feelings that come up around R – it might not be a bad idea to hold yourself to a schedule with him. It doesn't seem as if all this feeling could actually be about him, but that he represents something that is very attractive (and anxiety-provoking) and you'll want to take it slow, and listen for what's going on inside.

  2. Ruth said:

    Hugs to you. So much is happening to you. Sounds like a particular memory is testing to see if you conscious mind is willing to pay attention now. You probably spent a lot of years repressing that memory. I know what you mean about wishing there was a friend that could listen while you talk and talk. I also learned that small bits at a time is easier to handle. This might feel like a frustrating time but you are doing a lot of emotional work. Have you considered writing down what you keep repeating to help hang on to the information? You know best what you feel you can do. Take care.

  3. I wish I could remember my therapy sessions like you do. When I'm in therapy, my anxiety takes over so badly that I can barely hear my own words. I'm really appreciative that you share your experiences here, because it makes me feel like I'm not so alone. Not that I wish any type of mental illness on anyone,but I do take comfort in knowing other people feel the same way. Thank you.

  4. Ellen said:

    @ Laura – Thanks. Ron is good at staying out of the way – I hadn't thought of it like that before. Yes, there is definitely a critical part of me that hates when I try to talk in therapy and is impatient. Plus probably the topic causes me anxiety so I don't want to wait around and go into it more deeply. I can see it from a distance but not in the moment, so far anyway. The stuff about my father – I don't think that's it exactly though it might be. I don't like the topic and then I get angry with Ron right away. Yes, I agree about R. It's kind of a fraught situation for me at the moment. I don't want to wreck a possibly good friendship with my issues, so I won't push anything in any way. At the moment we see each other Wednesdays for a friendly walk, and I'll keep it like that. My feelings are wacked for sure. :-)Thanks@ Ruth – That makes a lot of sense Ruth. That particular memory has stopped for the moment. That's OK with me I have to admit. Writing it down would be key, otherwise I will keep forgetting it, though I never think I will. Have to remember to write it down! Have to remember to remember to write it down. :)Thanks a lot@ Purple – It's interesting to get the session down because for one thing I can really see how much more attention I pay to what I say than to what Ron says. I find once I start writing, more and more comes back which I do not think of when I start. I'm sorry you are having so much anxiety in your therapy. If you just started in January, it should get easier on that front anyway. I still feel a lot of fear about going also though, unfortunately, and it's been a year and a half.Thanks a lot for letting me know you're here! Glad you find my confusing sessions of interest.

  5. Reagan said:

    Hi! Great site! I'm trying to find an email address to contact you on to ask if you would please consider adding a link to my website. I'd really appreciate if you could email me back.Thanks and have a great day!

  6. Ellen said:

    Reagan, I don't know who you are or what your site is.

  7. Laura said:

    apropos of nothing, I had to tell Howard something about myself that was yucky (a sexual response I had to something awful) – and I noticed that there's some fear (or desire to control) that he won't like the unedited me… but there's also a really strong part that insists on telling him, so as not to have any secrets coming between us. being able to tell him everything is most precious to me. Like Ron said (thanks, Ron!), putting all my feelings on the table. You also have a strong part pushing you to speak – stronger than the censor, and your fears. what do you know about that part?Is Ron on vacation for 2 weeks now? what's the plan? how's it going?

  8. Ellen said:

    @ Laura – You mean where he said that attraction is not a taboo subject? Some feelings are shame based, or touched with shame anyway. It's important to discuss those ones to hopefully rid them of their charge I think. Like your experience, it can be a tough thing to do. Not quite sure about your question Laura. I want to figure things out, and express some things so I can feel better. Otherwise I don't think I'd go to therapy at all. I could buy a lot of shoes with that money. I have one more session, then he leaves for 2 weeks. No plan. Should I have one?How is your group going?Cheers

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