E. What happens is I keep going through a scenario. I’ll start saying a few things, always the same, and I’ll have no idea why I’m saying it or what the story is that goes with it.
R. What do you say?
E. I can’t really remember. Which is crazy because it happens over and over again.
R. When did it start?
E. I don’t really know….I’ve had it before, but this week it was really happening a lot.
R. Can you remember what is happening just before this happens?
E. No. It just seems to be out of the blue.
R. In my experience, something like this is triggered by something that is happening.
E. I don’t think so. I remember once it was in the shower…once I was lying down trying to feel. It seems to happen when I’m by myself. I think I say….
(switch into the kid) I don’t like it….I don’t like that. I don’t want to go home…or I want to go home. Stuff like that.
It’s kind of like that. Not exactly, but kind of. It happens over and over, but then I forget it again right away too.
Ron doesn’t say anything.
E. I’m in it a bit. I get a sense of my father…..He used to be nice, when I was young, he was playful.
R. When did that change?
E. And now….I’m feeling mad. And….I feel like you don’t care. That’s how I feel.
E. Things are just chaotic, and they don’t make sense.
R. You’re not giving yourself much time to make sense of things.
I feel bad I’ve told Ron he doesn’t care, but I totally know it’s part of the memory fragment I’ve got a hold of.
E. What’s it like being a therapist?
R. It’s….sometimes it’s just like life, but really, it’s different.
Ron must have said more than this, but I can’t remember.
R. Is there anything you want to say before we finish?
E. I feel upset, I do….
R. By this last part.
I get up to leave.
R. Take care.
Today I’m having a bad day. I wish there was someone I could talk to. I think if R was really a good friend, I could talk to him. But I don’t want to overwhelm him. He told me stuff about his former girlfriend – that she took advantage of him, couldn’t take care of herself. Not that this is a girlfriend situation. But I am leery of being needy, partly for this reason.
Here’s a Canadian singer from the East coast I just discovered today, Christina Martin. She seems to be singing about this – needing to talk to a friend, but that friend is not there for her. I ignored the TV interview part of it, though I like the funkiness of the balcony.
Hmm…OK, maybe it’s a story of love gone wrong, on third listen. Still, the quality of longing in this spoke to me.