I feel like I’m dying of anxiety. It’s an anxiety attack. OK, before I take something for this I’m going to write it out. Why am I anxious?
1. My job is ending.
My contract runs out at the end of the month. I’ve had a few wrap-up review meetings, and have felt anxiety hit me like a wall after each one. And…today was the last meeting, and no-one bothered to say goodbye. I would have said something, but they rushed away like I was maybe contagious or something. So my feelings are a bit hurt.
I grew somewhat attached to this group I was working with, and good-byes or not, it’s stressing me out a bit to leave them.
2. My job is not ending.
I’ve been re-hired by a neighbouring department of the same company, where I will start mid-August. This is an excellent thing, it means they really like me, but led to anxiety producing event #3, below.
3. I asked for a rate increase.
Today. I went through my agency, which is the procedure. It’s not a large ask, basically cost-of-living. I’m being paid on the low side for the type of work I do anyway. The person I dealt with is new, and he made more of a fuss than I was expecting. I have to make a business case, he has to present it. So then I felt guilty. Who am I to ask for more?
In fact, I’m not doing a lot in my current contract at the moment. My work is in the review cycle, so I have to wait for meetings, but it’s basically done. I’m being paid for sitting around! How dare I ask for more money?? I am a bad person.
4. I phoned R again and we are going for another walk, if it doesn’t rain.
Because I really want to see him again. But I was going to wait and discuss this again with Ron, who seems to disapprove.
Am I wanting to go for a walk just because R is cute? That would be very bad. He is too young for me to find cute. Actually, I want to talk to him. But why? Is it an above-ground purpose, or am I being completely f’ing dysfunctional here? I suspect the worst of myself. I am a bad person.
5. I am lazy.
See #3 above. I’m not getting much done. I lie around and feel things. What good is that? Plus, I watched half a TV show this morning at breakfast. Probably would have watched the whole one if I could have.
Actually it is raining. So probably the walk will not happen. Ah well.