I feel like I’m dying of anxiety. It’s an anxiety attack. OK, before I take something for this I’m going to write it out. Why am I anxious?

1. My job is ending.

My contract runs out at the end of the month. I’ve had a few wrap-up review meetings, and have felt anxiety hit me like a wall after each one. And…today was the last meeting, and no-one bothered to say goodbye. I would have said something, but they rushed away like I was maybe contagious or something. So my feelings are a bit hurt.

I grew somewhat attached to this group I was working with, and good-byes or not, it’s stressing me out a bit to leave them.

2. My job is not ending.

I’ve been re-hired by a neighbouring department of the same company, where I will start mid-August. This is an excellent thing, it means they really like me, but led to anxiety producing event #3, below.

3. I asked for a rate increase.

Today. I went through my agency, which is the procedure. It’s not a large ask, basically cost-of-living. I’m being paid on the low side for the type of work I do anyway. The person I dealt with is new, and he made more of a fuss than I was expecting. I have to make a business case, he has to present it. So then I felt guilty. Who am I to ask for more?

In fact, I’m not doing a lot in my current contract at the moment. My work is in the review cycle, so I have to wait for meetings, but it’s basically done. I’m being paid for sitting around! How dare I ask for more money?? I am a bad person.

4. I phoned R again and we are going for another walk, if it doesn’t rain.

Because I really want to see him again. But I was going to wait and discuss this again with Ron, who seems to disapprove.

Am I wanting to go for a walk just because R is cute? That would be very bad. He is too young for me to find cute. Actually, I want to talk to him. But why? Is it an above-ground purpose, or am I being completely f’ing dysfunctional here? I suspect the worst of myself. I am a bad person.

5. I am lazy.

See #3 above. I’m not getting much done. I lie around and feel things. What good is that? Plus, I watched half a TV show this morning at breakfast. Probably would have watched the whole one if I could have.

Actually it is raining. So probably the walk will not happen. Ah well.

  1. Laura said:

    hi Ellen,I was sure that I'd read that Ron said that he "didn't recommend" relationships outside Group. He said it when you were in distress over R not calling you back – or something, quite recently! but I couldn't find it.(in fact people who have a relationship outside group wouldn't commonly be allowed to be in the same group).even so, it seems like a good thing for you, at this point.good for you, asking for an increase! what prompted that?

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi Laura,Hmm….maybe. I remember he said 'it's complicated' when they happen. Technically we're not now in group, as it has finished, but we may both go back in September. I have mixed feelings, but it seems like a good thing to me also and I don't want to give it up. As to the raise – just because it's a new contract, I wanted a bit of an increase for cost of living. Tough to ask for though. Last time I got it just for asking, but this time it's more of an issue, so I was surprised. We'll see.Thanks for commenting.

  3. Ruth said:

    I think anyone would feel anxious over a list that involved a job change of any kind. Job changes are right up there with moving on the stress chart. A lot to work through and Friday you see Ron. Hugs.

  4. Ellen said:

    Thanks Ruth. You're right, job changes are stressful for anyone, so it's natural to feel anxious about it.

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