Shadow

I am having a sad day, but there are some bright spots also. It’s hot and I don’t do well in the heat. It stops me from doing things that help me – the daily walk for instance. Meditation group is too too hot for me so I don’t go. A lot of things become too difficult.

Plus I’m a depressed individual. There’s always that. For me, it’s as if I keep a wall between myself and my feelings. Sometimes they break through and overwhelm me. But if I keep everything going at an even keel, no stress, then the wall stays up, and I just kind of feel it is there. Threatening.

I went to go and swim, but again, the pool is closed. Someone threw up. Yuck. The pool is not too hygienic anyway – the showers and especially change cubicles get slimy and gross. I have to balance on my flip flops to change, trying never to let anything touch the sliminess. And I think it’s giving me a sore throat. All kinds of weirdness in the pool. Still, I do love the feel of cool water all over, and swimming.

My contract is ending and there is almost nothing to do – I’m in the review cycle, so I simply wait. Working from home, it’s almost like being on holiday.

This afternoon I went off to the large park at the bottom of my street. At first it was crowded and smelly, but after walking just a few minutes, and veering off on a dirt path, there were no more people. I found a large tree with a grassy clearing beneath it, plopped down and read for an hour. Very very peaceful. I’m having an anxious day, so it wasn’t perfect, but it is a perfect spot and I will go back to it. Great to have found it. I think of it as my personal reading tree.

Sometimes I feel as if there were two of me. One is four-square and sensible. She says that things are going well. I have a nice apartment, I have money coming in, I have a job that is very easy and incredibly flexible. A lot of people would like to be in my place.

Then there’s the other person. She is wildly unhappy for reasons somewhat mysterious. She is lonely and sad and doesn’t want to live half the time. She is shadow person.

So four-square person is trying to carry shadow person around on her back, and it’s exhausting her. Four-square person is forever trying to keep shadow person in line and out of her life. Shadow person is forever trying to tell four-square what things are like for her, and four-square doesn’t want to listen.

It’s a tumultuous situation.

And in other news, R did phone me back tonight. He was away for the weekend. We had this really short conversation, but he said he was happy I called him, and, we are going for a walk Wednesday evening.

So some people do like me so there, take that, inner destructive black cat demon. And there are other newer friends I can also call on if I want to. So I’m happy about that.

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6 comments
  1. Cat demon?! Never!The "Wait, I should be fine"-self and the "Not-so-much"-self – so very familiar. It's screwed.Hope the pool is clean tomorrow. It's positively wretched here too!Best,MM

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi Magic – :-)Good to know you can relate to being split into two, or more…I was hoping someone could.I'm trying to work out when the pool is cleaned, so I can show up just after. Thanks for visiting!

  3. Ruth said:

    I called that feeling my shadow warrior that knocked me flat on a regular basis. Haunted and quietly sucking away the joy in life. Crumby feeling. Hope your walk went well with R.

  4. Ellen said:

    Hi Ruth- Shadow warrior sounds like a strong part. The walk was good, thanks.

  5. This is brilliant:

    Sometimes I feel as if there were two of me. One is four-square and sensible. She says that things are going well. I have a nice apartment, I have money coming in, I have a job that is very easy and incredibly flexible. A lot of people would like to be in my place.

    Then there’s the other person. She is wildly unhappy for reasons somewhat mysterious. She is lonely and sad and doesn’t want to live half the time. She is shadow person.

    So four-square person is trying to carry shadow person around on her back, and it’s exhausting her. Four-square person is forever trying to keep shadow person in line and out of her life. Shadow person is forever trying to tell four-square what things are like for her, and four-square doesn’t want to listen.

    —- I relate. I could have easily written in myself. You are not alone is this emotional separation.

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