By myself is alright

Thanks to all who wrote supportive comments on my last – meant a lot to me. I read over that post, and it just jumps out at me how very critical I am of myself. As a commenter also pointed out.

So I am alone a lot. There are worse things. Like being in bad relationships. My relationships to date have been mixed, but I’m more and more reluctant to put up with relationship badness. So….I am alone a fair amount. But….it is not a reason to hate myself.

Luckily, I am a reader. Books keep me good company. As do trees….Even seeing other people, out and about, cheers me up sometimes.

Music is good company. It gives me space to feel my feelings.

My blog and other blogs are good company.

I did meet a friend and go for a walk today….I am grateful to have this friend. We talk about ordinary things, and it’s a good thing.

I know I can be a good friend – I listen, I care. I’m not usually obsessed with myself except when I’m overwhelmed. 

I left a message for R, because he is someone I’d like to get to know better. I was very scared to call, so first I took a half a xanax. Shh…secret. Then I called my walking friend to practice, to make sure my voice sounded normal. You worry about that when you don’t talk for a few days. Then I left him a message, short, my voice was kind of soft but it was OK. Then when he didn’t call back I went for a walk with friend E instead.

R hasn’t called back but I am determined to be OK with that. It was a cell number….But he might be away. Or he might not wish to get together with me. Either way, it’s OK. I took a chance calling someone I don’t know well and I’m glad I did.

I am glad I’m taking the writing course. I’d like to practice in between classes actually, but I feel I need an assignment in order to write! I enjoyed writing my first assignment. I’d been quite frustrated the day I wrote it, work was annoying and boring, and I was very anxious for some unknown reason. Then I sat down to do the assignment – and all my stress melted away. I was completely absorbed in the task of imagining a child’s room and describing it. Writing just from my imagination did something nice for me.

Kind of funny. I’m leery of people and it’s reflected in how I did the assignment. We were to focus on describing a child’s room, where the setting reflects the character. The other students all put a child in the room and describe the room a bit, but also had the child involved in some way.

Me – it doesn’t even occur to me to put a child into the scene. I thought the assignment was the setting. So I describe the room, and the toys. The description paints a kind of a picture of the child, but there’s no child in the piece. Just a room without an occupant. Hmmm….is it my issues? People are missing from the picture?

Today it has finally rained, a real satisfying downpour, and it’s cooled things off a bit.

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6 comments
  1. Ruth said:

    Cooling off is nice in the summertime. Glad to hear you went for a walk with your friend. Calling R was another healthy step, in his ball court now. My kids get frustrated with me since I often turn off my phone on the weekend. I don't get many calls in the first place since I wear hearing aides and phone conversations can end up confusing if I don't hear what they say correctly. I love books to. I slowed down on my reading since everything I am reading is for self improvement. Maybe I need to read one just for fun book before I head back to school. I understand what you mean by needing an assignment to have a reason to write sometimes. My blog helps me practice my writing. I am also realizing that I remember a lot more of my childhood now. I think I would like to write some of the fun stories I remember, like the time I watched the otters at the zoo for two hours.

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi Ruth,Thanks. It was a real nice walk. And I appreciate myself for venturing to call, and now he has called me back, so we will meet. I read all kinds of books and a lot of novels. Actually I have learned a lot more from novels than from self-help I think. You totally should read something fun this summer. I find blog writing so different from creative writing. For me it's more like therapy than like trying to write well. Hope you do write down some of your stories.Hugs

  3. I would like a friend like you. I'm glad you're feeling better today! I agree, being in a bad relationship is worse, and right now I'm sort of halfway in and halfway out of one, (not sure which direction to go). I'm leery. Books are such a solace, and Trees Too!!!

  4. Ellen said:

    Hi Maren,Sorry to hear you're having relationship woes…they can be the worst! And when you don't know which way to go…I've been there. Well, usually I knew what I should do but couldn't bring myself to do it. We can be bloggy friends anyhow, especially if you love books and trees. :-)cheers

  5. Being able to appreciate your own company and being able to entertain yourself is so important. I lack that. I love books but I just don't seem to think about reading when I am by myself, for example. It's odd. BTW – you are a good friend. I know from your consistent kindness on my blog that you are a wonderful person to know in life x

  6. Ellen said:

    Hi CC,One of the compensations of being an introvert – I can entertain myself pretty well. I spent my childhood stuck in a book so it's very natural for me. Thanks for the kind words. 🙂

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