Alone this weekend

Today I feel like crying. I am struggling with loneliness. And with my own reluctance to reach out to anyone.

Even the support groups – I should go. I am so reluctant to go anywhere, I can’t believe my own excuses anymore – oh, everyone there is disabled, blah blah blah. The fact is, I am scared to go out and talk to people. I have an excuse for everything.

So the meetup didn’t go that well from a social perspective. I aimed to attend a movie meetup group that I’ve gone out with in the past. It is a very fluid group, so likely I would not know anyone. I did plan my day around going. I knew if I did a lot during the day I’d end up cancelling, so I stayed around home. And I got changed, I went. But I was a few minutes later than the meeting time, and I couldn’t find the group. I know the leader, but didn’t see her in the theatre. So I sat by myself, and watched the film. An art film. It was engrossing actually, though also about dark subjects, so it didn’t cheer me up.

I could have hung around afterwards – I likely would have found the group but I didn’t. I felt awkward about being out by myself on Saturday night, so I rushed out of the theatre and went home.

Anyhow, I tell myself. All I’d get from the group would be a bit of awkward small talk, most likely, and then I’d likely never see anyone there again. Excuses excuses.

I’m spending my entire weekend alone. The last time I had any personal conversation with anyone was last Sunday, when I went to lunch with ex-hubby.

I had these two main friends. I’ve stopped calling one of them, and she’s also stopped calling me. The friend who felt I made her depressed. I got fed up with trying my best to hide my issues and still not passing muster with her. I don’t know if I miss her or not. Right now I feel a lot of aggravation thinking about her and am not tempted to call.

I also had a bunch of kind of friends from support groups. Whom I’m not trying hard to keep up with either.

I really can’t tell if my reluctance is just an overall withdrawal.

I think about calling R from my group therapy. He did give me his number. I gave him mine too, and he didn’t call. Would he be interested in hanging out with me?

I know at this point I need to interact with someone, and how good of friends they might be is not even the issue, I’m so alone.

I am planning on going to my 12 step group Monday. But again, I may chicken out. There are all kinds of excuses.

  1. Laura said:

    sounds like an awkward place to be – lonely, yet withdrawn. What to do? Maybe a good time to practice being your own best friend.I'm not sure that I feel lonely very much, altho I long to talk to Howard fairly frequently. I enjoy going to the movies and sitting with other people, sharing the experience. the group therapist said this week that introverted people spend energy to be with other people), and extroverted people gain energy from other people.I think you're doing the right thing, trying to sort out what you feel and want, what might make you feel better, trying different things.

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi Laura – Yes, being my own best friend…I can definitely treat myself well. And I actually do well on my own, I have interests, just I need people sometimes. I did call two people after posting this – my remaining friend, and I left a message for R. Expressing things helps. I may go for a walk with friend E. Thanks for the encouragement.

  3. Amanda said:

    It sounds like you're having a tough time over there. I am glad you got out, even if you didn't meet up with the group …I hope you hear back from R, and that you two are able to connect soon. I am fairly familiar with the "lonely, yet withdrawn" feeling … and I hope it soon passes for you. Thinking of you …

  4. I'm so sorry you've been feeling that sadness. All too well do I recognise the lonely withdrawing mind set. All too well. I'm glad you are still reaching out here though, at least. Thinking of you, xxx

  5. I can sure understand all of those feelings. It's so hard to get out when you feel bad. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it just makes it worse. My approach when I feel that way is to call a friend on the phone and talk if there is someone who I feel like talking to (although that can backfire, too) Or I allow myself to stay in and not be hard on myself about it. I have tried to push myself to get out in the past to meet up in groups, etc. It doesn't work for me. So don't be hard on yourself, Ellen. You tried. At least the movie was decent.

  6. Ellen said:

    @ Amanda – Better again, thx. I'm glad I got out too – it was a unique film actually. R did not return my call. I'm trying to be OK with that. I did what I could, and I'll leave it at that. Thanks! @ CC – Sorry you know that feeling also CC. Thanks for commenting@ Maren – Trying to get out can make things worse if I'm feeling too too terrible. Because I was pretty on edge anyway, I didn't wait to meet up with the group after the film, which i would have done if I'd been calmer. I currently don't have anyone to phone and talk to actually. I did try though, and you're right, why beat myself up – that will not help.Thanks for the encouragement.

  7. Ruth said:

    Hugs Ellen. I am impressed that you stayed at the movie on your own. That is huge to me. I am sorry you are feeling lonely. Loneliness can creep right into your soul. I notice that the more I am alone the less I want anything to do with people. Hugs, wish we could go to lunch some time. I wonder what it would be like for each of us to sit in front of our computers and read each others blog at the same time. Nope, I don't think it would be quite the same. Internet does have some limitations. Sigh.Ruth

  8. Ellen said:

    Hi Ruth,I actually don't have a huge problem seeing a movie on my own. It's more getting there in the first place that trips me up! That is a funny idea about reading blogs at the same time. It would be great to do lunch… 🙂 Thanks Ruth

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