Today I feel like crying. I am struggling with loneliness. And with my own reluctance to reach out to anyone.
Even the support groups – I should go. I am so reluctant to go anywhere, I can’t believe my own excuses anymore – oh, everyone there is disabled, blah blah blah. The fact is, I am scared to go out and talk to people. I have an excuse for everything.
So the meetup didn’t go that well from a social perspective. I aimed to attend a movie meetup group that I’ve gone out with in the past. It is a very fluid group, so likely I would not know anyone. I did plan my day around going. I knew if I did a lot during the day I’d end up cancelling, so I stayed around home. And I got changed, I went. But I was a few minutes later than the meeting time, and I couldn’t find the group. I know the leader, but didn’t see her in the theatre. So I sat by myself, and watched the film. An art film. It was engrossing actually, though also about dark subjects, so it didn’t cheer me up.
I could have hung around afterwards – I likely would have found the group but I didn’t. I felt awkward about being out by myself on Saturday night, so I rushed out of the theatre and went home.
Anyhow, I tell myself. All I’d get from the group would be a bit of awkward small talk, most likely, and then I’d likely never see anyone there again. Excuses excuses.
I’m spending my entire weekend alone. The last time I had any personal conversation with anyone was last Sunday, when I went to lunch with ex-hubby.
I had these two main friends. I’ve stopped calling one of them, and she’s also stopped calling me. The friend who felt I made her depressed. I got fed up with trying my best to hide my issues and still not passing muster with her. I don’t know if I miss her or not. Right now I feel a lot of aggravation thinking about her and am not tempted to call.
I also had a bunch of kind of friends from support groups. Whom I’m not trying hard to keep up with either.
I really can’t tell if my reluctance is just an overall withdrawal.
I think about calling R from my group therapy. He did give me his number. I gave him mine too, and he didn’t call. Would he be interested in hanging out with me?
I know at this point I need to interact with someone, and how good of friends they might be is not even the issue, I’m so alone.
I am planning on going to my 12 step group Monday. But again, I may chicken out. There are all kinds of excuses.