Today was hot and humid and smoggy. I stayed at home and tried to work, which made me depressed. My AC doesn’t really work well enough once it’s really truly hot.
At four, after a bit of a difficult call with ex hubby, I realized I was so cranky I had to do something, so I went down to the cafe and sat on the shady terrace reading my trashy novel. Slowly I cheered up. Then I went across to the park and laid down on a park bench and read some more. It got cooler – maybe the trees help cool things down. I find trees are very soothing altogether – they are so solid, and green, and kind.
Today was no therapy day. Truly, in a way it is a relief not to plunge into the dark sides of my life. Every other Friday, I have to struggle with therapy aftermath, but today, I just struggle with the heat. Once I recovered from the heat, I didn’t have to fight with depression, anxiety, fears about the therapist, grief, anger, parts….it is a relief in that sense.
I miss Ron the person much more than the therapy. And then, I never actually have Ron the person – I have a therapist for fifty minutes. No matter how I may feel about it, that’s what he will always be.
I was feeling envious of Ron today. He got to have a regular life, kids, a wife, a summer place, and I didn’t get that. Yes, I had a husband but it was awful. I had a kid, still have him, but we didn’t get to have a close relationship, it was just very very difficult. Things were never normal for me. I wish I’d had that, a husband I loved, kids growing up in a secure family. A feeling of being a good Mom. I tried to be a good Mom, but I wasn’t.
Well, that’s in the past now. I need to take what I can from therapy and try and make my own life, somehow or other.
On that note, I went off to my creative writing class last night. I was glad to be there, but I was super super anxious. Sigh. We had to ‘workshop’ students’ writing assignments – they read them out, then bang, you say what you like / dislike / notice. This petrified me – so difficult to know what to say. Some pieces I thought were pretty rough, others showed real talent. But after a while I realized I could say things about each piece without needing to judge particularly. I feel most comfortable saying descriptive or positive things, so that’s what I mostly did. The teacher came in with tiny bits of criticque at the end, so I left that part to her.
I’m not sure what my fear was about. It did remind me of my fear in the group. Something to do with speaking / not speaking…..and of judging and being judged. I think it’s natural to feel nervous in this situation – but for me, my anxiety flips a switch and becomes very high and unrelenting. I had to take a pill when I got home just to calm down a bit.
My father is a professor, so of course that whole scenario of being judged by him kicks in in any classroom situation.
The teacher continues nice – calm, and has interesting things to say. I didn’t get to read out my own piece, as I hadn’t realized we needed to make copies for every student in the class. I handed it in at the end of class and it will get the ‘workshop’ treatment next class. I’m probably going to ask the instructor to read it out for me. No one else did that, but I think I will, just to give myself a bit of a break. I’m being brave already giving my comments for every piece.
I’ve realized I don’t really want to hang out in support groups anymore. It’s not that I don’t like the people, but I want to meet people where the main thing isn’t that they identify as mentally ill. I haven’t been making it out to my 12 step group, and I realized I don’t much want to go. I’m also missing my social phobics dinner date – I missed replying by the deadline, and I don’t much care. It’s actually more difficult to talk to people who are socially anxious than to other types of people. Oddly enough. I’m going to go out to a movie meetup group instead.