Odds and Ends

Lonely. Not a bad day until now though. I slept late, went for a walk, sat in a cafe with an iced latte. Then I bought sneakers. Just walked into a store and bought them in maybe twenty minutes, after putting that task off for weeks. They’re pricey, but they fit the best and I liked the look of them.

I’m continuing with exercise even though it triggers memories for me. Last night I went swimming, this time in the evening, the lane swim. Kind of fun. But then afterwards I was dissociated and slept very badly. I don’t know how to describe that state. It’s like being super-alert, while also feeling nothing much. I associate it with whiteness. Don’t know why – why not with blackness, or blue? Nope, it’s white.

Then the depression in the first half of the day, climbing out of that. By afternoon, I’m doing better again, and even feel quite relaxed for a few hours there, sipping the latte, reclining on my balcony with a book. Things seem peaceful and OK.

Now I’m whistling in the dark, posting here. Ron has left for vacation. He takes four weeks over the summer, two singly, then two consecutive weeks in August. Six weeks overall. Lucky man. Well, he works it out like that. He deserves vacation.

I always hate it when he goes away. And he is not receiving emails either, unlike previous vacations. Something’s gone wrong with his internet on his phone. And he’s in no hurry to get that fixed apparently. Plus, it occurs to me after my session, his kids and likely his wife also will surely have along devices that receive internet, so he could borrow if he wanted to. I like having the option of emailing him if I’m very stressed, say for instance because my therapist is away.

He says I could leave a message, or text, which he’ll pick up most days. I guess I can do that. Last week though I did not email him once, so maybe I can get through this week also with no contact. Give the poor man a break.

I went to my first creative writing class on Thursday. I was pretty scared to go. It was fine. The teacher seems quite nurturing and kind, not at all critical. There are about ten of us aspiring creative writers. We did a few short exercises in class. The first one we had to read out. My voice shook a bit when I read, but not too too badly.

Next week we ‘workshop’ a small writing assignment. The teacher has offered to read out anyone’s, if we are shy to read our own. I might take advantage – if I have to read my piece out, I’ll be so stressed I won’t be able to pay attention to what people tell me.

There are two other middle aged and older women, besides myself. The rest are young, with one young man who is a year younger than my son.

I want to make some kind of plan for tomorrow so I won’t spend the day entirely alone again. I phoned a friend today but she was out. I could always go to meditation or church I suppose.

Odds and ends, odds and ends. Must get it together to write a coherent post shortly.

Loneliness makes me afraid everyone has died and only I am left behind. A frightening feeling. When really, things are OK. I am safe, I have money and a home, even friends though they are not here.

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3 comments
  1. Ruth said:

    Hugs Ellen,Glad to hear the first writing class went well. This is a different kind of group. Sounds like you have a teacher that wants the class to be enjoyable for everyone. That is very cool. Hugs. Alone can be very difficult.

  2. Laura said:

    hi Ellen,great job attending to what's happening! Howard is away this week (altho I had my usual session, I still feel his absence), and will be out again in another week. I hear your anxiety. Since we talk by phone anyway, part of me resented that we couldn't talk when he was on vacation. Where was he going, to the dark side of the moon?? Leaving messages – I feel self-conscious leaving voice messages – not sure of what I'm revealing. You could send him emails anyway – let off steam – with the knowledge, the expectation, that they'll wait for his return.I'm looking forward to starting group this week though! Planning things that you can look forward to helps fill the gap, I think (altho, for me, the group start date was coincidental). I've been working on having a daily routine, instead of continually following my impulses (like, to check your blog, right now). Any activity outside the norm (the, er, rut) stirs the pot, don't you think? You have the knowledge that even the worst feelings pass.

  3. Ellen said:

    @ Ruth – Yes, the teacher seems kind and I'm hoping the class will be good. Does make me nervous but then that just means it's worthwhile. Thanks. Hugs@ Laura – It's actually good to know I am not alone in my suffering with T vacations. Though I'm sorry you also are going through this. I like how you say 'a part' of you – for me it's very much a part of me resents the holiday, while the rest of me knows it's good for everyone for a T to take time away. I am also not very comfortable with the phone, though I could text. My goal though is to give Ron a break from me. The email idea is not a bad one.As to activities – yes, I agree, hence for me the swimming and the class. Feelings do pass….Good luck with the group! Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

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