It is hot hot hot in my city. My AC is trying hard but I’m still sweating. Not a big fan of heat actually. Except I do like sunbathing sometimes….here that can be more of a smog bath though on some of these summer days.
I went swimming. I’ve been continuing in my efforts to do more, and this is the second time I went (third time if you count when the pool was closed for maintenance). I go to a public pool. It is packed with kids, shouting, splashing, being taught by older siblings, parents towing toddlers, teens jumping into the deep end like water bombs. I actually enjoy being around kids, their playfulness and intensity. However, today the pool was so full that I couldn’t swim very many strokes before needing to stop and let some bobbing kid pass in front of me. A little less of a good thing would have been welcome.
I swam maybe 10 – 15 minutes, not long, slow. Still, from that short time, I have the post-exercise effect. It’s a kind of dissociation I suppose. I feel flattened. I feel as if something is wrong, but I can’t figure out what or what to do. Perhaps if I was able to relax I would cry.
My whole body knows I’ve been swimming – I’m kind of revved up. And squashed down all at once. I’m not sure whether I need a nap or more activity. I suppose it’s a kind of anxiety, feeling terribly on edge.
I do like swimming. I like the exaggerated colours of everything – electric blue water, cool-aid sky, white sheep clouds, hot pink bathing suits. Cooling off. The horrible lovely shock of first ducking under. The clean heat of the sun drying me off. The blinding light just behind my closed eyelids. Soaking up white sun energy.
I have the feeling that I can use this whole experience to heal, as it’s bringing up my issues. Just not sure how to get at them, beyond the wall of dissociation that goes up. Needing to feel actual emotions.