Swim

It is hot hot hot in my city. My AC is trying hard but I’m still sweating. Not a big fan of heat actually. Except I do like sunbathing sometimes….here that can be more of a smog bath though on some of these summer days.

I went swimming. I’ve been continuing in my efforts to do more, and this is the second time I went (third time if you count when the pool was closed for maintenance). I go to a public pool. It is packed with kids, shouting, splashing, being taught by older siblings, parents towing toddlers, teens jumping into the deep end like water bombs. I actually enjoy being around kids, their playfulness and intensity. However, today the pool was so full that I couldn’t swim very many strokes before needing to stop and let some bobbing kid pass in front of me. A little less of a good thing would have been welcome.

I swam maybe 10 – 15 minutes, not long, slow. Still, from that short time, I have the post-exercise effect. It’s a kind of dissociation I suppose. I feel flattened. I feel as if something is wrong, but I can’t figure out what or what to do. Perhaps if I was able to relax I would cry.

My whole body knows I’ve been swimming – I’m kind of revved up. And squashed down all at once. I’m not sure whether I need a nap or more activity. I suppose it’s a kind of anxiety, feeling terribly on edge.

I do like swimming. I like the exaggerated colours of everything – electric blue water, cool-aid sky, white sheep clouds, hot pink bathing suits. Cooling off. The horrible lovely shock of first ducking under. The clean heat of the sun drying me off. The blinding light just behind my closed eyelids. Soaking up white sun energy.

I have the feeling that I can use this whole experience to heal, as it’s bringing up my issues. Just not sure how to get at them, beyond the wall of dissociation that goes up. Needing to feel actual emotions.

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6 comments
  1. Laura said:

    Vibrant post, Ellen, Revved up and squashed down! what did you do next?

  2. Ellen – Would you be able to email me cos I can't work out how to sub to your site so that I get emails when you have published a post… My email address is bourbonandchild@gmail.com — thanks muchly lovely x

  3. Thank you for emailing me. I think it worked! Finally! I'm sorry it has taken me so long to follow your blog. You have been such a great commenter on mine and I feel like a failure with yours. I hope to make it up! Take care, B x

  4. Ellen said:

    @ Laura – Why, glad you liked it! Next I dove under the dissociation and let some memories come up and felt really really bad. thanks for commenting.@ CC – Glad it worked – not sure what is up with that. No worries on commenting – of course it's great to get comments but not vital. Nice to know you are a reader. take care

  5. Ruth said:

    The picture you painted with words is so vivid. I noticed that activities that I did as a kid often brought up memories from my past. Like the activity becomes the bridge between past and present. Sometime the desire to permanently close the bridge is there but keys to unlock the ties from the past also come from the bridge. My one experience with group was very difficult. My friend does not have alters and felt it was difficult too. I am thinking that for many, groups are just difficult.

  6. Ellen said:

    Hi Ruth – Maybe it brings up stuff because I used to swim as a kid. Hadn't thought of that, because all exercise seems to have this effect. But then, I did physical things as a kid. I have been avoiding, but like you say, the bridge could hold the key. Sigh.I vividly remember when you wrote about your group experience – not a good one at all. You could be right, groups are difficult period.Thanks!

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