This is a whining post. I am very depressed.
I am no longer making any effort to see anyone, so have been alone all weekend. It is too much trouble to even go to the cafe.
I don’t understand why I fall into such despair after my therapy sessions. If it was flashbacks, I can understand. But it’s not, just talking. I lose hope altogether.
I’ve now backed off and let Ron know I will attend the last group session. I don’t believe in group, but I feel I would be a selfish b*** not to go, because it will upset the other group members if I disappear, especially for the last session. There are only seven of us after all. I feel I owe them that, to show up. I will take a large dose of xanax and just hunker down and get through it.
For some reason my problems with how Ron runs the group have just become overwhelming to me. I don’t agree with what he’s doing basically.
I never did get to explore my negative reaction to E. I’ve had this experience where there was not room to discuss it for several sessions. Then last session, there was a huge silence to start with, so I started in on this topic. It then morphed to E’s problems, and stayed with her the rest of the session. It does feel to me as if I keep trying to raise a topic but cannot get heard. Which feels very familiar to me. That was actually a first in the group, that Ron steered the conversation away from the person who first brought it up, and never returned. It’s pretty hurtful. He’s never done that with anyone else.
Then therapy – I didn’t bring this up. I wasn’t actually feeling it consciously yet – it was too soon afterwards. Because in another way I found the group good, and that is what I said in my individual session. E had explored her hostility and hadn’t turned it on me. I’d made supportive comments, basically criticisms of her hubby, who is being an AH in my opinion, and also sympathy because I’ve been through a marriage breakdown and it’s the worst, so I could sympathize. At the end of the group E actually thanked me. So in that way it was positive. Why can’t I hang on to that positive feeling? Because who would have thought E would thank me for anything? At the start of the group, she didn’t even want to bother talking to me, she said. So really, it is positive.
In depression, I see only the blackness.
In my individual session, we discussed my anger with R. He basically said some thoughtless things on the ride home that upset me. And after making a big deal of taking my business card, he never contacted me, or mentioned it again. So I felt bereft really. I didn’t know what had gone wrong, and he was suddenly making hurtful comments. Ron said I was making assumptions. And also that it’s complicated to start making friends with group members – he doesn’t encourage it.
I also mentioned to him that when I was in a non-functional state a few weeks ago, after a session where one of the voices had spoken with him, I’d had this flash of memory of a party my parents had in Suburbville. All I remembered was the look of the little coffee tables we had, full of half empty glasses, and seeing things as if I was short (seeing mostly people’s legs and feet). It was odd because I wasn’t thinking of anything, just lying there in this state I get into, and this flash of memory happened.
Then I remembered more about our house in Suburbville, all the furnishings, the walls, what everything looked like.
That was it. No memory of an event or even strong emotion about this. I don’t understand why I am thinking of it.
Ron suggested I had been abandoned at that party. Which struck me as ridiculous. I was not more abandoned then then at any other time. So then he floated the possibility of further abuse, since that was what I seemed to be talking about. I really do not know, I tell him. All I know is I had this memory when in this bizarre non-functional state. Of surroundings, not an event. So I don’t know what that means.
I got home and fell into complete despair. It was like falling into a black hole of pain. I felt these stabbing pains, that weren’t literally painful but psychically painful. And I just wanted to do anything to stop feeling like that. So I quit therapy. Which seemed to help in the short term.
I’m not understanding what causes my despair after therapy. And I have to wonder if it is therapeutic. I believe emotion + understanding is therapeutic. Blind despair – how can that be helping me?
Ron hadn’t replied to my emails, but today I asked him whether he’d said that my family had treated me with hatred because he saw me treating group members like that? And he replied almost at once, that no, he didn’t think I’d treated anyone with hatred, and that I’d worked hard in the group.
Which I guess was nice of him to say, because in the same email I’d criticized how he ran the group.
I know to feel better I have to find some people to be with. I just don’t have the energy though. Or the hope really.
Sorry to be so gloomy, if anyone got through this.