I feel less ‘freaked out’ today than in my last post. I mostly feel extremely sad. I haven’t decided whether to see Ron anymore. I don’t much see the point of a last session to ‘discuss things’….That would just be extremely painful if I’ve decided to leave therapy. And if not, well, why pretend I am? I sent Ron another email late last night with some of my issues, to which he has not responded. I wonder if he will. I’m sure he’s not thrilled about a client threatening to quit and then wanting an email response from him.
Today I think the problem is parts. Ron is not that good with parts. It’s as if he’s too intelligent to talk to them. A lot of my struggle in his group consists of suppressing parts, in order to fit in, then when I can’t, they say some stupid thing, then I end up trying to ‘clean up’ after them. The group doesn’t understand this problem at all and I don’t blame them. I’m not sure Ron does either, and I do blame him for that.
Then in Ron’s office, I try and discuss, from my (main part) point of view mostly. With the kid parts jostling internally to also be heard. So then I ‘translate’ a bit. And Ron tries to engage me, the main person….which is fine, but not what is needed. And I end up feeling completely missed and misunderstood, as well as in major pain usually from what we talked about.
That is what I think the problem is.
It’s funny, but some of the other therapists I tried out, where I only stayed a few months, were actually better at talking to child parts than Ron is. They didn’t intellectually map out what was happening – that I’m split into parts – but they instinctively addressed those child parts when they emerged, the way you would a young child. If only I had liked them.
I was able to sleep without pills for the first time last night since the dentist. I don’t know why really. I’m less dissociated in the way that makes it difficult to sleep. Maybe part of it is that this impulse to quit therapy and group is very deep, and I finally just let myself say it. A part of me really is angry with the whole deal and wants out. It’s not just a passing impulse.