Therapy didn’t go too well this week and I’ve ended up quitting. I just feel I can’t do it anymore.
I have these somatic symptoms and they drive me crazy. They don’t make sense and they are so painful though not literally painful, which can happen also but for me it doesn’t. I try and explain them to Ron and he doesn’t disbelieve me but has nothing much to say about it. What can you do really?
It feels to me like my body is made of a foreign substance, maybe metal. Then there are these lines going across my body horizontally at different points, and they really hurt. Which doesn’t make sense.
We talked about the group. I’d started, saying I didn’t feel like going to group because it felt like A and E ganged up on me and didn’t like me.
Then E said she didn’t feel like talking to me or about this. Then eventually she told the story of her and her husband, how badly he’s treating her and how angry that makes her….That took most of the evening. I guess it was OK because I didn’t get yelled at or anything. I know the pain of a marriage coming apart.
Today I tell Ron that it didn’t seem to have much to do with E’s anger with me. Ron said that the group works by people changing themselves, by working on their issues, like E was doing, then their relationship to the group people changes. But then, I think, why do you need the group? We can’t be friends. It’s not a support group. Why not go off into individual sessions and work on ourselves then…why do we need the group?
We talked a bit about my childhood in suburbville. I actually felt like I was back in the house we lived in – I saw the furniture, the kitchen, what the rooms were like.
I felt panicked and bad remembering that. And it’s not even a thing or event that I remember. I’m just remembering rooms.
The reason I don’t want to go back to therapy is that I can’t seem to feel that Ron cares. He used to. Or I used to feel that he did, and it helped, not to go through the pain by myself. Now I no longer feel that, I feel completely by myself, and I can’t do it by myself anymore.
In case you wish to comment, please remember these are my personal and painful feelings on topics that are difficult for me. Even if you feel you see the answer more clearly than I can hope to do, just keep in mind the amount of pain that’s behind these posts.