At last, a weekend where I can function. I went out with a friend yesterday, and again out with a group for dinner. This morning I’ve been sorting my closet, packing away winter clothes. Got half way through anyway. I’m wanting to make use of the ability to function while I have it. Kind of a frantic doing of the most essential things, because I know I’m apt to lose energy again very fast. I did need to go to a dentist appointment Friday, which is a trigger for me, but it was not too bad. Some after effects which seem to have receded today altogether.
Group was difficult. I was full of fear and anxiety about what seems to me my two frenemies now, E and A. I really wanted to address two things, both my fear of groups and past bad experiences, which are being stirred up by being on bad terms with these women, and also my anger with E, that was so intense it woke me up one night. However, this was not to be. And I understand that – I’ve used up my share of group time, especially on the E issue.
Y started to talk almost immediately, and basically remained the focus the whole evening. I was having huge issues calming down enough to get interested in what he was saying. Especially since to start with, he talked for a long time about how he’d not been wanting to engage with the group, he wasn’t sure it was worthwhile, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk.
I got irritated by this, because for one thing, I really wanted to talk. Y has a very removed and intellectual way of explaining things, and it makes me kind of frantic sometimes.
After about a half hour, there is a pause. I say, well, if you don’t want to talk, I have some things I want to talk about.
At which E bursts out with ‘Oh come on! No way is Y finished with what he is saying!’
So Y continues. He explains some issues he is having with R. The way he explains is so convoluted, I can’t follow, and can’t determine what those issues actually are.
So then I say something I wish I hadn’t.
“I’m feeling really bored.”
To which Y replies angrily. At least he is trying to talk, he is trying to express himself, he says. I reply that I hadn’t meant to say that he is boring, it was just how I was feeling at that moment. And I feel so bad about what I said, I apologize and say I wish I hadn’t said it.
In the middle there, somewhere between E’s outburst and Y’s defensiveness, I feel so miserable I almost start crying. Ron says something to Y about how we are to respond to how comments make us feel, rather than rushing over them…or something like that.
Y keeps going about his topic of R.
Ron kind of holds my gaze for a while there, when I am about to cry. I’m not too sure why – it’s unusual for him.
Towards the end of the group, R is saying that he is upset by Y’s comments about him….and there is another minutes long pause. So I ask R if he is finished with that part, he says yes for now, and I give my feedback, that I feel dismissed and ignored by Y, and that he looked at me as if I were stupid, and that this reminds me a lot of how I’m treated by my family. They tend to be intellectual, and make me anxious, and then I blurt out things I don’t mean, and get kind of ditzy, and then they ignore me.
I actually can really see that I’m bringing this to the interaction. Y is not much like my family. I just got the feeling of being ignored and discounted….
So Y immediately says he doesn’t feel like I’m stupid, and that he likes me, and then he recalls one time I was ‘in distress’ in the group, and he saw R give me a hug afterwards, and how he’d wished he could also comfort me.
So I tell him he is very sweet. Also that I was feeling extremely disliked, and was glad to hear he liked me still.
Group is almost over, and that wraps up my part in it.
I almost leave about half way through, when it becomes clear I will not get to talk at all. I kind of pack up my purse, zip it closed, and hold it in my lap. But the forces of wanting to belong hold me there, beyond the forces telling me I need to escape.
I give R a ride home again. He says I ‘dumped him’ last time. I laugh and say I thought he might be worried about my driving. Or that he needed space. Or that my personality scares him. So I left him. He laughs and says no.
We talk a bit about friends….then he asks if he thinks we might be friends. Why not? I say. Well….could I get your phone number or email? So I give him my card. R tells me he’s had this fantasy about us studying psychology together….We both do read about psychoanalysis, and talk a bit about that. I tell him probably that won’t happen…shades of my academic family.
So our fantasies are not matching. He he. But I’m not imagining a connection. He feels it too. A friendship can be a really good thing…
So who knows. Perhaps we will be friends. There are only two more groups left, so after that, a friendship wouldn’t interfere with the group.
After the group I feel very anxious. I feel guilty and bad about telling Y I was bored. However I’m not dissociated. I write Ron a quick email about how I was sad I didn’t get to say what I needed to in the group….and then I’m able to sleep.