Feeling more normal once again. Just in time for a new group and therapy cycle of distress.
Why oh why am I doing this then? I’m sure this sounds insane to people not involved in this kind of therapy.
It’s processing. I do believe in it, and I believe it’s the only way to change things, and it involves a lot of pain. I’m remembering feelings and, fuzzily, events, from my past. Once I let them out in therapy, they seem to stay out and make themselves known.
Mostly until now my strategy was to push things down. It makes sense, and it’s what most people do anyway. When there’s a vague unhappiness, a pressure, and anxiety, anger that seems too strong – push it down. It seems to make us bad people – that’s what my parents taught me, and I didn’t deeply question it for a long time.
In my case, with parts, I’d simply suppress the parts. They then manifest as voices, saying the same things over and over. Weird, but what can you do. Don’t tell anyone, pretend it isn’t happening.
Right now I have a unique amount of time to myself where I do not have to ‘cope’ – I don’t have to push things away to keep everything going. This contract is undemanding, and I have a lot of time. Because you do have to push things down to get things done in the real world it seems. At least I do.
Now I’m letting parts come forward, so with that come a bunch of really dark emotions. I suppose parts hold those emotions from my past for me, as well as the memories of what actually happened. In the process of doing that, I land thunk, prone on my bed and unable to function for a few days.
I think it’s healing. I don’t think you can heal from abuse without huge amounts of pain and also sheer time spent doing not a whole lot but allowing the feelings to move through. It sucks, but it’s the truth as I know it. The more I have to cope, the less I am able to heal, because there isn’t room for stuff to come up.
I also tend to think that therapies that offer strategies for coping, changing your thinking, meds, little knick knacks for your mood, a little meditation, can simply keep you in one place, because they are offering band-aids when you need the wound opened up and purged so it can heal properly. Lots of therapies trying to cure you fast – they haven’t worked for me, and I have met an awful lot of people who simply stay stuck, going to appointments, trying this strategy and that, ‘thinking positive’. I don’t believe in that.
For me, the dark feelings lift after several days. I feel relief like after a bad flu, that the world is still there, it is no longer menacing, and things are blessedly ordinary. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.