Therapy Friday 2

continued from previous post

E. For instance Z has now brought up her issue of not being able to talk, and probably it’ll never get mentioned again, it will just be dropped.

R. Maybe. But people will carry what they’ve talked about with them, forward into the group, even if they don’t mention it again.

E. Well, as far as I’m concerned, I could go into my problems with E again next session. I don’t think we ever resolved it, between her expressing her feelings and me expressing mine.

R. There are a lot of issues to discuss.

Ron isn’t keen on this idea of going back again to that topic. I don’t feel I have to talk about it, so I won’t. It has had lots of air time for sure.

E. I did feel you didn’t support me, when E attacked me.

R. Maybe the way I was supporting you doesn’t feel to you like support.

E. No, you didn’t support me. Then last night, it seemed like more of the same, when I asked for time, and you didn’t even acknowledge me.

Ron doesn’t reply.

E. E’s attacking me really reminded me a lot of my ex-husband yelling at me. And my sister in law. She moved into our house when I was pregnant and we didn’t get along at all.

R. What did you fight about?

E. I can’t remember now. It was pretty awful. No one asked me if it was OK if she moved in with us – she just did.

I sit. I feel kind of strange but can’t describe the feeling.

E. I feel like a wave is breaking in on me.

R. Maybe a wave of feeling?

E. I don’t know. I remember….we used to go on vacations…in Europe everyone goes away for a few weeks in the summer. We went to the ocean…..I remember running in the sand….I fall down and get sand in my mouth.

We sit. I’m in a memory but it’s not coming into focus.

E. I’m not sure what I’m trying to remember….my feet are tingling…

R. How do you feel about me now?

E. I’m actually not too bothered about how I feel about you at all right now.

It’s true. I’d been feeling kind of angry with Ron, but now in this memory, all that has stopped. To me it feels as if a kind of quiet descends, and I’m absorbed in trying to work out what is happening. However, it doesn’t become clear and I just spend a lot of time sitting. Ron tells me to describe what’s happening, and I try to, but can’t say much. It feels absorbing to me, but from Ron’s perspective, nothing is happening. I totally understand, because I’m not giving anything out.

E. I can’t get this to come into focus……

Ron drinks his orange water. We sit. There are about ten minutes left in the session.

E. (the kid) So Ron, I was there last night. I talked to you. I was there.

R. How did you like talking to me?

E. I liked that. I like talking to you. And other people were there too…Z….and E…E has these boots that are nice. But she didn’t have them on last night. And she sometimes has nail polish and it’s turquoise and it’s cool.

R. Did you not want to tell E how scared you were, when she said things about you?

E. No. I was talking to you. And Ron, we’re reading a book, and it’s with Despereaux. He is a mouse. And there is a rat too. And they’re in the dungeon. And Despereaux he falls in love with the princess Pea, and he wants to marry her….but he doesn’t in the end. But they end up happy. And I saw the DVD also and it was funny.

E. And Ron….we had a brownie that had cheesecake. It was like a brownie but there was cheesecake swirled through it and it was good!

Then the kid changes. I can’t decide if it’s a different kid part or the same kid, but it just seems totally different.

E. (whispering) So sometimes….you know, I don’t like it, when stuff like that happens….Because…it’s not nice and….

This whispering kid part talks for a while. I can’t remember what she said.

R. (to the kid) If you remember more of what happened, I want you to call me.

We sit.

R. So you wanted to change the appointment time? Let me get my book….What about noon, for the next few weeks?

E. Oh yeah, I have a dentist appointment, I have to change the time….

I suddenly feel overcome by emotion. I leap up off the couch.

E. Sorry, my mind’s not working properly, I’ll have to email you.

And I dash out of the office.

I guess this was one of those abuse memories, because I can’t function this weekend. There are just masses of pain. From something I cannot actually remember.

I also want to quit therapy. I don’t know why I feel this will make things better, but it seems to me it would. I don’t want to quit the group. It’s the individual therapy I want to quit. Maybe I’ll just cancel my session for this week.

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13 comments
  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. (((Ellen)))I'm sorry that you are in so much pain and a memory is hovering without becoming clear. It sounds like you are doing a lot of processing of the emotions even if you can't relate them to specific memory.I suspect that the desire to quit therapy or cancel a session is someone's attempt to stop the kid from talking about what she remembers. Try and go to your session and allow the kid to talk to Ron. It seems like your progress lately has allowed more information to come up for you. It's not fair that the better you get at managing the more you have to manage but I think it shows the progress you have been making.thinking of you,Di

  3. Ruth said:

    Hi Ellen, Body memories are difficult to absorb. I agree with Di that your desire to quit is most likely tied to remembering. From my own experience, after keeping a secret for a very long time sharing it becomes physically distressful. I am on the other side of the secrets. It is hard but I learned that if you lived through it, you can remember it. You are growing stronger and your mind is releasing the secrets that it held for so long. You are amazing. Hugs to you. Ruth

  4. Ellen said:

    Hi Di – Sorry darn blogger is being obstinate – I just deleted the duplicate comment. Thanks for the encouragement. It does seem I have to process things even when I can't clearly remember them. I woke up today convinced I had to cancel my session for Friday. Instead of leaping to my computer to do that, I've been trying to just allow those feelings. I just feel that Ron doesn't care and doesn't help and I'm chasing after something I can never have by continuing with therapy. He used to help me with memories, and now no longer does. Anyhow, I'll see. I still want to cancel the session but will give it another day or so to see if I change my mind. @ Ruth – Thanks for the encouragement Ruth. I find that DID people understand about body memories the most. They are so disturbing. And there is something so awful about sharing a secret, especially one that I can't really remember. I keep thinking it can't be true, as it seems to be held in another part. From my perspective it's not true at all, it's made up.

  5. Laura said:

    good for you for sitting and allowing whatever was there to just be. I think you're wise in that way and a good friend to yourself – both at home and in session. I would try to fill the gap. it's a defensive thing. what would Ron have done differently, before to help with the memory? From your description, it wasn't obvious that there was a change. And he's been asking what support looks like to you.

  6. Ellen said:

    I'm actually still thinking of canceling for this week at least. Haven't so far though. I feel like I would feel better…but the kid parts would be unhappy, so there's that. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. As to Ron's difference – we weren't constantly at odds before, so he was able to be more empathetic. This time he wasn't really aware what was happening for me, so I didn't feel 'held'. Which makes sense because I'd just been criticizing him, in the group and in the session….I don't think i can have it all ways. He's only human. There's a huge difference in going through a memory with someone who is present, or alone. Currently I feel alone. Don't think that's entirely Ron's fault though. I'm both making him into my father, a critical figure, and trying to make him into a supportive figure, and that's not working so well.

  7. Laura said:

    how do you know he wasn't aware? He told whispering kid to call him, if she remembered…

  8. Ellen said:

    We are going back and forth today Laura! lol I like it. I'm really depressed and it's nice to have a buddy who is on my case.Parts do not remember things, as far as I know. Parts hold memories, I think that's why they happened. So if a part doesn't know something, another part would be holding that memory. I, on the other hand, get hit with the emotion of the original experience when a part comes forward and speaks. I'd be the one remembering in that sense. It was cute that he told the part to phone him. I guess a part could be upset and could phone him, with my permission. Yes, he is aware actually, it is true that. Good point.

  9. Ellen said:

    BTW Laura I like how you defend Ron and point out his very excellent qualities. He's a good guy.

  10. Laura said:

    Interesting that you would think that, because I haven't defended him or pointed out his good qualities – check the transcript! That's an interpretation, I think.I'm trying to point out the interpretations that you're making, by asking for the evidence. for example, what evidence is there that he was not aware? His words suggested otherwise (to me). You might have a belief that if you're not saying anything, he doesn't know what's going on, he's out of touch, and maybe you're thinking he's generally out of touch, and you're alone.Seen from out here, he hasn't changed, and yet your experience of him changes a great deal. It's remarkable!

  11. Ellen said:

    Well, I've said Ron wasn't aware of what I was going through for instance, and you point out evidence that he was. You have also firmly argued his corner for there being 'no rules', that I am looking for rules to keep me safe, but that there are in fact none. It does seem a kind of defense to me. Which is fine as I said.I guess a feeling of connection is what I'm missing at the moment, at times. It could be all me….how can I know?My experience of Ron does vary a lot, which he's also pointed out. Part of it is that parts have different views of him. It's interesting, writing things down, some things do emerge don't they.

  12. Laura said:

    "missing a sense of connection.." keep sharing with Ron, even if you can't see how it will help. All your mental activity has resulted in there being a lot of stuff on deck between you, all that's left unsaid. You are the one who's backed away… and it's in your power to fix it.

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