continued from previous post
E. For instance Z has now brought up her issue of not being able to talk, and probably it’ll never get mentioned again, it will just be dropped.
R. Maybe. But people will carry what they’ve talked about with them, forward into the group, even if they don’t mention it again.
E. Well, as far as I’m concerned, I could go into my problems with E again next session. I don’t think we ever resolved it, between her expressing her feelings and me expressing mine.
R. There are a lot of issues to discuss.
Ron isn’t keen on this idea of going back again to that topic. I don’t feel I have to talk about it, so I won’t. It has had lots of air time for sure.
E. I did feel you didn’t support me, when E attacked me.
R. Maybe the way I was supporting you doesn’t feel to you like support.
E. No, you didn’t support me. Then last night, it seemed like more of the same, when I asked for time, and you didn’t even acknowledge me.
Ron doesn’t reply.
E. E’s attacking me really reminded me a lot of my ex-husband yelling at me. And my sister in law. She moved into our house when I was pregnant and we didn’t get along at all.
R. What did you fight about?
E. I can’t remember now. It was pretty awful. No one asked me if it was OK if she moved in with us – she just did.
I sit. I feel kind of strange but can’t describe the feeling.
E. I feel like a wave is breaking in on me.
R. Maybe a wave of feeling?
E. I don’t know. I remember….we used to go on vacations…in Europe everyone goes away for a few weeks in the summer. We went to the ocean…..I remember running in the sand….I fall down and get sand in my mouth.
We sit. I’m in a memory but it’s not coming into focus.
E. I’m not sure what I’m trying to remember….my feet are tingling…
R. How do you feel about me now?
E. I’m actually not too bothered about how I feel about you at all right now.
It’s true. I’d been feeling kind of angry with Ron, but now in this memory, all that has stopped. To me it feels as if a kind of quiet descends, and I’m absorbed in trying to work out what is happening. However, it doesn’t become clear and I just spend a lot of time sitting. Ron tells me to describe what’s happening, and I try to, but can’t say much. It feels absorbing to me, but from Ron’s perspective, nothing is happening. I totally understand, because I’m not giving anything out.
E. I can’t get this to come into focus……
Ron drinks his orange water. We sit. There are about ten minutes left in the session.
E. (the kid) So Ron, I was there last night. I talked to you. I was there.
R. How did you like talking to me?
E. I liked that. I like talking to you. And other people were there too…Z….and E…E has these boots that are nice. But she didn’t have them on last night. And she sometimes has nail polish and it’s turquoise and it’s cool.
R. Did you not want to tell E how scared you were, when she said things about you?
E. No. I was talking to you. And Ron, we’re reading a book, and it’s with Despereaux. He is a mouse. And there is a rat too. And they’re in the dungeon. And Despereaux he falls in love with the princess Pea, and he wants to marry her….but he doesn’t in the end. But they end up happy. And I saw the DVD also and it was funny.
E. And Ron….we had a brownie that had cheesecake. It was like a brownie but there was cheesecake swirled through it and it was good!
Then the kid changes. I can’t decide if it’s a different kid part or the same kid, but it just seems totally different.
E. (whispering) So sometimes….you know, I don’t like it, when stuff like that happens….Because…it’s not nice and….
This whispering kid part talks for a while. I can’t remember what she said.
R. (to the kid) If you remember more of what happened, I want you to call me.
R. So you wanted to change the appointment time? Let me get my book….What about noon, for the next few weeks?
E. Oh yeah, I have a dentist appointment, I have to change the time….
I suddenly feel overcome by emotion. I leap up off the couch.
E. Sorry, my mind’s not working properly, I’ll have to email you.
And I dash out of the office.
I guess this was one of those abuse memories, because I can’t function this weekend. There are just masses of pain. From something I cannot actually remember.
I also want to quit therapy. I don’t know why I feel this will make things better, but it seems to me it would. I don’t want to quit the group. It’s the individual therapy I want to quit. Maybe I’ll just cancel my session for this week.