I feel pretty awful. Today is mostly dedicated to processing yesterday’s session. So it’s OK to feel awful and to lie around also because that’s what you’re supposed to do if you feel bad, if you ever do feel bad. So it’s fine. the kid
It’s hot and humid this May day. Two months early for this kind of weather that I just can’t warm up to. I’m not a fan of heat. I put on a dorky looking purple t-shirt and light shorts….I hate what I’m wearing…and head out to therapy. I’ve decided as an older woman I need to wear tops that are sober with high necklines. Then I feel dorky.
Ron looks a little tired. He doesn’t do the gazing thing. All in all, he likes me less this time than last. It’s fine. I’m not there so his clients can make progress, I’m in the group to express how I feel, among other things. He actually looks unfriendly to me and I’m reluctant to talk.
E. I should talk…
Ron continues to say nothing. As usual I don’t want to talk.
To tell the truth, I can’t remember much of what was said through my present fog. I know I ended up as the kid, and left his office very abruptly. But first we discussed the group. I remember bits.
E. I know I wasn’t helpful to Z last night. I let her do exactly what she’s trying not to do – empathize with me, not talk about what she really feels.
R. You’re not there to take care of Z. The way you can best help her is to be yourself….That’s not to say we can’t be caring.
E. So Z has been in the group for three years…and she still has trouble even saying the most basic things to people? She can’t say anything faintly negative to anyone? But…you can’t work anything out if you can’t do that. So three years….so, I don’t feel that close to the group.
Ron nods and I don’t think says anything.
E. The group structure isn’t great for me. I mean, there’s no check in, nothing to be done if you’re in a crisis…It’s fine if you’re quiet and even keeled, which most of them seem to be. They’ll bring up an issue, if they really have to, and try to work on it, and that’s it….I don’t know. Like last night, I just couldn’t do it.
R. Why couldn’t you?
E. I really needed to talk. And I tried.
R. How did you try?
E. I said I needed time. I didn’t speak up right at the start because I was scared…and then Z started right in. You didn’t even acknowledge that I said anything. And then…after so long, I just couldn’t sit there anymore.
R. You could have said you needed time right now.
E. That’s true. I could have.
E. I just find it odd that things get dropped so much. Like we’ll spend the evening on a topic, then the next week, it’s as if we start all over again, as if that had never happened.
R. Like what?
E. Well, like the problem with me and E.
R. So it was Z’s responsibility to bring that in?
E. No. But we never find out where anything goes.
R. There are so many things the group could spend time on, and there is only a limited amount of time. It’s up to the members to monitor what gets talked about….
I nod. I understand the point. Of course if we delved into everyone’s issues all the time, there would be too many topics. But the interpersonal things – there are only a few of those. That’s what I think gets dropped….But, I don’t say this. Ron is persuasive, so I’m persuaded at the time that I’m wrong in what I say. I wish I could stick with my side longer though…something to work on.
to be continued.