I will talk a bit about my group. Today was therapy and I feel pretty bad from that. Group was better it seemed like.
I started out, which meant Ron paid attention to me, so I liked that part. I wish I didn’t crave his attention so.
I talked about how I am struggling with Ron in particular. How I was feeling he didn’t like me and how he supported E but not me. Then about how the group reminds me a bit of my family, with Ron being my father, Y being my younger brother, and E of course my sister.
Then I tried to talk about my family, but it was very very difficult. I stopped and started a lot. Ron said my father didn’t talk to me for two years, and that was ‘malicious’ and a powerful way to hurt someone.
People asked questions etc….At one point, I was hit by a wave of badness I’d describe it as. I saw myself crouched in a corner, as a young child, with a bunch of older kids beating me up. I described that. It seemed to be parts of myself beating up the part that was talking. I have such a strong inner prohibition from talking about this stuff, so it does feel as if when I do talk, I also get internally beaten up.
Towards the end E spoke up and said how upset she was about some of the things I’d said to her. I decided not to back away. Even though some things I’ve said are kind of childish, it remains true that I find her very difficult. So I said some things to that effect. Still kind of childish – that she is ‘mean’ for instance. I asked her to tell me why she didn’t like me, that I wanted to hear it, to tell me what it was., just list all of it. She ignored that. She talked about how hurt I made her feel, how I didn’t seem to think she had any feelings. How she felt bad about how I felt.
Then Ron seemed to stand up for me. He said to E that it seems as if she’s trying to change how I feel right away. She said that ideally, yes, she’d like that. Ron said it’s better to stick with her own feelings, that’s it’s a kind of violation to try to change someone else’s feelings, and that it doesn’t work anyway.
I felt like he was standing up for me. It’s difficult to respond to someone whose complaint is how I feel. Sometimes I’ve tried to go there, and it’s never anywhere good. It seems like it’s all logical, but it’s a swamp. I’m glad this time I just stuck to how I felt, although I knew it wasn’t strictly speaking ‘fair’. It’s an emotional truth.
Group ended then. E left fast and looked pretty angry. I felt OK about our interaction though. Shamed though from talking about my family. I thought I’d been boring and tongue tied.
I again gave R a lift home. It was still nice to talk to him, and he reassured me I hadn’t been boring, he’d been very interested. We didn’t talk much about the group. We talked about Freud, about some writing R had done, and about therapy in general. I’m trying to stay away from discussing the group with R, as per our guidelines. Even though it is very tempting. It’s only a fifteen minute ride, so there’s not much time anyhow.