Definitely struggling with depression this weekend. I haven’t been anywhere except my library / cafe / grocery store triangle. Even my daily walk seems like too much trouble. Usually I do that quite happily. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

I haven’t phoned a friend to do anything either. Isolating. Very bad. I don’t feel I have the energy to pretend to feel OK. And why bother anyway. I’ve not been getting along with one of my two ‘main’ friends. I am finding what she says irritating and off the point. She also has had an abusive past but is kind of locking it away, and thinks that’s better than my constant upsets and depressions. Well, she hasn’t said it right out like that. So maybe I am making up this negativity. That is very possible. However we are not having a good time when we meet and seem to be on completely different paths.

My other main friend is very involved with her house – fixing it mainly. She is very practical. Here I think I am letting my negativity affect me. I imagine she is tired of my low energy ways. We just saw each other last weekend anyway. We don’t have a lot in common but I appreciate her practicality and her quickness of mind, I really do. I know this weekend she is fixing her patio, so I have left her to it in peace.

Negative thoughts. I tell ya.

As I wrote in response to kind commenters on my last post, I feel more resolved about Ron. I’m no longer convinced he doesn’t care. Or that he purposely treats me badly. Something about saying it, over and over, helped. I can see that I create negative situations for myself. My own doing. It’s a real felt reaction – not my thoughts so much, but my feelings have changed. Somewhat disorienting actually.

I wonder if that’s the source of the sadness – giving up projections? Shouldn’t that make me feel good? It doesn’t. Except that I again feel connected to Ron and that he is a source of support. Or would be if I let him.

I did finally plant my pansies in a pot on my balcony, with some sage. Been meaning to do that for a while. Plus, I sewed on a button. Another chore I put off for about a month. 

Don’t know what the problem is. I try and lie down and breathe into it, and it intensifies a bit, but nothing comes into focus.

My ex has phoned a couple of times and says I must go see my mother – he thinks she’s looking very unwell. I meant to go today and couldn’t get it together to do so. Guilt on top of everything else.

  1. gniz said:

    Ellen you said "I wonder if that's the source of the sadness – giving up projections? "Very, very possibly. Reality can sometimes be less comforting than delusions and illusions.But overtime, it's worth it.:)

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi Gniz – Even though my reality of negative judgments is painful – it's maybe what I know. Change hurts. Could be true. Hope so. Thanks!

  3. Ruth said:

    Sounds like a tough weekend. To me depression feels like a gray blanket that seems to cover everything. Hope your rest this weekend helps.

  4. I know isolation is not fun. Sorry for your rough weekend Ellen. Here listening….

  5. Laura said:

    you seem able to rouse yourself to do positive things (planting pansies, and cleaning your oven – wow!) despite feeling down.maybe the sadness is that you're feeling criticized? that a behavior that is important to you, that you VALUE, and don't want to lose – or feel you can't change, is being criticized, as a bad thing?"She also has had an abusive past but is kind of locking it away, and thinks that's better than my constant upsets and depressions. Well, she hasn't said it right out like that. So maybe I am making up this negativity. " this seems jarring to me, I don't necessarily see your interpreting as "negativity". Ron seemed to be calling it that, too. To me, it's making up an explanation (and adjusting to it) instead of finding out what's actually the case. The explanations you come up with, it's true, consistently support backing off, and feeling cut off. what if the opposite were the case? that your explanations called for you to move closer? a thought experiment.

  6. Ellen said:

    Hi Laura – Yeah, I think it's a good sign, because I've been letting things slide quite a bit. I can at least do a few chores. As to the sadness – I did feel criticized, but don't anymore….it's more of a welling up, less a reaction to something happening right now. It seems like something deep in me was touched, and it hurts a lot.As to this particular friend – we have a difficult relationship, though we've known each other a long long time. She has said things like this in the past, so that's why I think it. That people 'get stuck' in their pain, that she wants to move on with her life. Which is fine if you can. I think she's doing it by running, personally. She also makes fun of me off and on, which I resent. I have to call her on it next time, instead of ignoring it. It is interesting to think the explanations are a call to move closer. Food for thought.Thanks!

  7. Amanda said:

    I read back through the last couple of episodes and it sounds so tough. I'm off to school at the moment, but will be back later.Thinking of you …

  8. Ellen said:

    I don't think it's as tough for me as it would be for you Amanda. I don't think I"m as tender hearted actually. Thanks for coming by

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