Definitely struggling with depression this weekend. I haven’t been anywhere except my library / cafe / grocery store triangle. Even my daily walk seems like too much trouble. Usually I do that quite happily. I don’t know what is wrong with me.
I haven’t phoned a friend to do anything either. Isolating. Very bad. I don’t feel I have the energy to pretend to feel OK. And why bother anyway. I’ve not been getting along with one of my two ‘main’ friends. I am finding what she says irritating and off the point. She also has had an abusive past but is kind of locking it away, and thinks that’s better than my constant upsets and depressions. Well, she hasn’t said it right out like that. So maybe I am making up this negativity. That is very possible. However we are not having a good time when we meet and seem to be on completely different paths.
My other main friend is very involved with her house – fixing it mainly. She is very practical. Here I think I am letting my negativity affect me. I imagine she is tired of my low energy ways. We just saw each other last weekend anyway. We don’t have a lot in common but I appreciate her practicality and her quickness of mind, I really do. I know this weekend she is fixing her patio, so I have left her to it in peace.
Negative thoughts. I tell ya.
As I wrote in response to kind commenters on my last post, I feel more resolved about Ron. I’m no longer convinced he doesn’t care. Or that he purposely treats me badly. Something about saying it, over and over, helped. I can see that I create negative situations for myself. My own doing. It’s a real felt reaction – not my thoughts so much, but my feelings have changed. Somewhat disorienting actually.
I wonder if that’s the source of the sadness – giving up projections? Shouldn’t that make me feel good? It doesn’t. Except that I again feel connected to Ron and that he is a source of support. Or would be if I let him.
I did finally plant my pansies in a pot on my balcony, with some sage. Been meaning to do that for a while. Plus, I sewed on a button. Another chore I put off for about a month.
Don’t know what the problem is. I try and lie down and breathe into it, and it intensifies a bit, but nothing comes into focus.
My ex has phoned a couple of times and says I must go see my mother – he thinks she’s looking very unwell. I meant to go today and couldn’t get it together to do so. Guilt on top of everything else.