What I’m wondering is, how should I be healing? Ron says to give the parts of myself and memories space to happen. One way I do that is by listening to music and allowing feelings to surface. I am usually holding things back – that’s my default way of being in the world. This leads to all kinds of problems, such as suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, relationship issues. Of course letting everything out can also lead to relationship issues….

In any case, by the time it occurs to me to pay attention to some of the weirdness and sadness swirling around, it’s pretty strong. Last weekend I took Ron’s advice to spend time lying down, listening to music and allowing different parts to have their feelings. It completely wiped me out and I spent most of the weekend horizontal. But by Monday, I was again functional, and I had a better week. Processing is not fun, but it has it’s good effects. Though I’d gotten nothing else done on the weekend. Friends not seen. Calls not made. Groceries stayed in the store.

I wonder whether part of the reason this process was so painful was it was combined with feeling I had lost my connection to Ron, so I felt completely alone.

Now this weekend I feel pretty tired, partly from therapy. I’m reluctant to go and do the same thing again, delving into the feelings, staying there all weekend. Maybe I should be going out, seeing people, trying to cheer up? Spending money? Or what?

It’s a choice I have. It’s not as if I’m disabled by despair and must stay home. I get to choose. Just not sure what is for the best.

  1. Ruth said:

    I would complain that a caterpillar gets to be in a cocoon while it changes into a butterfly. Trying to process information and live at the same time is like trying to morph outside a cocoon. Processing information is tiring for me too. Now I am learning to ease up on my schedule and allow myself more time to do it. You are making great progress and it is hard work.

  2. Ellen said:

    Thank you Ruth. Processing is a caterpillar like process. 🙂

  3. I like Ruth's analagy there! Processing is REALLY hard work and takes a lot of energy. Like you sometimes I wonder just how you let healing happen. I think sometimes just taking a step back and trying to acknowledge what's going on emotionally and physically is a big thing. I've been working on being more conscious of warning signs. For example: I've noticed I start digging my nails into my fingers to ground myself when I'm stressed. I've been doing this for years without realising. Now I try to make a conscious note of it, take a step back in the situation and just try to focus on how my body is feeling inside… being aware of my arms, legs, toes, breath etc and this seems to help. I think this can be done on a bigger scale too.Maybe part of your healing could involve including a balance of self nurturing in the times when your body is feeling drained from the tough stuff.

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