What I’m wondering is, how should I be healing? Ron says to give the parts of myself and memories space to happen. One way I do that is by listening to music and allowing feelings to surface. I am usually holding things back – that’s my default way of being in the world. This leads to all kinds of problems, such as suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, relationship issues. Of course letting everything out can also lead to relationship issues….
In any case, by the time it occurs to me to pay attention to some of the weirdness and sadness swirling around, it’s pretty strong. Last weekend I took Ron’s advice to spend time lying down, listening to music and allowing different parts to have their feelings. It completely wiped me out and I spent most of the weekend horizontal. But by Monday, I was again functional, and I had a better week. Processing is not fun, but it has it’s good effects. Though I’d gotten nothing else done on the weekend. Friends not seen. Calls not made. Groceries stayed in the store.
I wonder whether part of the reason this process was so painful was it was combined with feeling I had lost my connection to Ron, so I felt completely alone.
Now this weekend I feel pretty tired, partly from therapy. I’m reluctant to go and do the same thing again, delving into the feelings, staying there all weekend. Maybe I should be going out, seeing people, trying to cheer up? Spending money? Or what?
It’s a choice I have. It’s not as if I’m disabled by despair and must stay home. I get to choose. Just not sure what is for the best.