Just tried something new – I stopped at a fancy grocery and got two of their salads – rapini, and also pickled seafood. The seafood I was looking forward to but – too vinegary. The rapini – totally lovely. Oil and garlic, and almost no vinegar….what a beautiful way to eat greens. I was very surprised.
Across from the grocery store is a fancy chocolates place, so I stopped off there also to pick up chocolates for Easter for the kid. Stuff like that adds to kid happiness….I also bought a Florentine, on my way out. Also totally delish…I just ate it with my glass of red wine. A florentine is almonds (I think), anyway nut slivers, bound together by a buttery caramel, with a dark chocolate bottom. Something about this combo is so tasty. Mm….
This was on the drive back from my therapy appointment. As I’m getting to Ron’s office, I see him drive up and park. Ah – he has a green environmentally friendly car…I wait to let him go up…but all the doors are locked, so he has to come down four flights of stairs to let me in. Kind of embarrassing, but then, I find everything embarrassing.
We do not have a good session. But…I have been pretty hopelessly depressed all week, barely functioning, and now I can at least write again, so I guess maybe it’s good also? It feels bad though.
Ron is very detached throughout. He is so cool, so professional, and I am a squawking mess. I resent that but see no way to change it. I feel small and at a huge disadvantage. We chit chat about his car first of all.
E. So I’m not sure what to talk about….I’ve been very depressed. Really, I’m barely functioning. I get up in the morning, then I have to go back to bed and lie there for a few hours, staring at the ceiling.
E. What happened in the group really upset me. But I don’t know what it was about. Emotions just seem to buffet me about….and I never know what happened to me.
R. Why don’t you tell me what it seemed like to you.
E. Well first of all, I talked at the start. Like we discussed. Then, I was like, fighting with you it seemed like.
R. Did it seem like fighting to you? I thought you were telling me you didn’t understand what I was saying….and you disagreed with some things….
E. Well, I couldn’t understand you. And when you ask me about parts – I hate talking about parts in the group. So I feel threatened, so I attack you.
E. Then I talked for a bit, then I didn’t have anything more to say, then D started talking about her stuff, and it was interesting. And then I started feeling really really bad. I don’t know why I felt like that.
R. You felt dropped….
E. You thought it was because the attention was no longer focused on me…but I don’t think that was it. I had finished what I had to say.
R. I think there was more. Maybe you needed to hear from other people in the group. You needed to go into this more deeply.
E. I don’t know. It actually felt like more of a flashback….like feelings from the past. It was so strong. And I felt so intensely ashamed.
In the group, I’d first talked at the start about being in parts…then the conversation shifted to D. Listening to her, I started to feel more and more depressed, more and more in a dark hole…So close to the end of the meeting, I’d piped up and spoke to Ron about how I was feeling….and the upshot was, I fell right into an experience of being extremely small, lost in a very dark place, and completely alone. I ended up crying hysterically, and apologizing over and over for ruining the group.
Since then I keep having to lie down and do nothing but feel the intense pain of this. And I don’t know what it’s about, really. Which is what I’m trying to ask Ron, with basically no success.
Huh. I’m going for a walk before the sun goes down. Bye.
to be continued