South

My mood has headed south again. Sigh. I was fairly happy with my last therapy session, because I felt I’d said what I needed to say, and I cried a bit, because it was sad, and I showed a picture which I drew…and it was fine. I felt pretty calm about it all.

Yesterday I spent a few hours with a friend, wandering around the middle of the city. We end up in the gay section of town, and sit there on a patio in the chilly spring sun. It was fun. I like the people here – they seem more diverse, and more accepting, than the usual city people. I assume they think myself and my friend are a couple, which is pretty funny. I feel kind of free and cool, despite my advanced age, sitting in the sun on this funky street, drinking a beer and watching people from behind my sunglasses.

My friend is more relaxed than I’ve seen her for a long time. She meets my eyes calmly and doesn’t obsess about anything really. She tells me she’s now seeing a therapist twice a week, for a half hour at a time. Maybe that’s what’s helping her, because she looks really good.

We share some history of unhappy childhoods, so we often talk a bit about therapy and healing, which I appreciate. She is really the only person outside of therapy whom I share any of that with. I tell her a bit about my troubles staying in the group, and how I told R that I had a crush. She’s fine with it and doesn’t make a big deal. I do not however mention parts. I just don’t know how to say that, and it seems too strange. Also, she’s laughed in the past about people who hear voices or who are DID. Which is probably not that serious, she likes to joke around, but it makes me worried about the subject.

Then, thoroughly chilled, we go off to a Thai place for dinner. It’s not bad. We both keep our coats on throughout, trying to warm up again.

Today, I was apparently supposed to go to a concert with my parents. I didn’t know it was today, and just picked up a message from my mother where she’s been waiting for me with my ticket. By this time the concert is well underway. It is very exasperating. Could she not have warned me that the concert was today? Yes, she told me the date a month ago when she said she’d try and get tickets. But I just heard ‘April’ and forgot about it. So, my hundred plus dollar ticket is gone to waste.

This is so typical of my mother. OK, I’m blaming her. But she does the least amount of communicating it is humanly possible to do. I saw her last Sunday – could she not have said there is a concert next week, it’s at this particular time? Would it have killed her? But she doesn’t think like that. To her, she said it once, however long ago, and she assumes it’s all anyone needs.

I feel guilty and angry all at once.

I’m also feeling things stirring that I’m blocking, hence the looming sense of depression. I think about going to bed with my semi trashy novel and calling it a day. I need to get groceries though still. And clean actually.

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7 comments
  1. Ruth said:

    Bummer when a parent communicates so little. I suspect that one thing alone triggered other incidences where the lack of communication left you feeling like you were in the wrong. I can sympathize with your feelings of frustration. Enjoy the book. I find reading a nice way to calm me down.

  2. Lisa said:

    Are you sure therapy is helping you? It sounds like it's dragging you down. A crush isn't anything to be ashamed of. You were brave for telling him. He didn't risk anything. Telling someone you like them and having them not feel the same way is painful. But it's not a shame. At least you felt something big enough to risk something for. Are you sure it's not time to start ending therapy? To stop seeing Ron? He hurt your feelings. The answer was no, whether he knows what he's missing or not. And he might not.

  3. Ellen said:

    @ Ruth – Thanks. I am also to blame, for not asking when the date was, but still, it would be nice to be told. I heard April, and forgot that Sunday was already April. My mother is totally like that though, with no sense of communicating even basic unstressful information. The book is good. It's by Jennifer Weiner, do you know her? She writes about women, and is kind of lighthearted, but with darker themes running through also. Good. @ Lisa – Nice to meet you Lisa, welcome. I know rationally I don't need to be ashamed, but emotionally, I feel it. So therapy isn't real life – I wouldn't expect Ron to return my feelings. He probably has a fair number of women clients with crushes. I don't actually know him – just as someone who tries to help me. It's kind of smoke and mirrors, to have feelings for a therapist. Sometimes I think therapy is helping me and sometimes I don't. Thanks for commenting!

  4. Paula said:

    Well, I have heard that before on your blog taht the communication between your parents and you isnt the best. But then she told you and it is NOT her job to keep reminding you.

  5. Ellen said:

    @ Paula – I actually don't remember her telling me anything other than 'April'. But she may have. You have a point.

  6. Hmm. i think it would only have been reasonable for her to confirm that she had got the tickets and mention it again on Sunday at least. it's a bit odd to expect you just to know and meet her without a confirmed plan. maybe she'll learn for next time.

  7. Ellen said:

    Hi Candy, She won't learn at this point. Thanks for backing me up. 🙂

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