Thanks so much everyone for the comments and stories and encouragement you left on my last post. It meant a lot. I was too upset to be able to respond very fast also, but did certainly appreciate it a lot.
I kind of fell apart on the weekend. Just kind of. I can’t explain it – it was as if my world kind of crashed. Then I wrote Ron an email about my state of mind, my fears about being crazy, etc etc, as is my wont. He replied so briefly, and it seemed to me so uncaringly, that I almost quit therapy right there. I wrote two emails cancelling my next appointment, but didn’t send them.
I did send two really angry responses. I was so very angry that he didn’t care, and couldn’t be bothered to respond to anything I said.
Then I am also angry about discussing the group in therapy, as Ron knows everyone’s stories, and not only that, also what they tell him about the group in their sessions. So some of the things he says, and even a really intense look he gave me when I discussed one person in the group, these things just point to so much going on in his mind that he doesn’t say. It just made me furious all of a sudden. Because I don’t know what’s going on, and he does, and it just seems like a complete waste of time to even discuss it.
So I sent him these two furious emails, complete with swearing and childish angry language.
Then he replied to one. He said I’m in a painful conflict. He’s got that right anyway. A painful conflict between needing to hear back from him right away, and having him actually say something meaningful.
I didn’t reply to that. But….I no longer felt like quitting therapy. I was obsessed with the need to quit previously. Now I still feel pissed off, but I will go and see him again. Expressing anger is therapeutic it seems. Ron is good with anger, it’s one of his pluses.