This and that

On the weekend, Sunday, I saw a play. A friend of mine often goes to a particular theatre on Sundays, pay what you can, and invited a group of us along. I wore my new shoes. They are bright and shiny, but pinch my toes a bit. Leather soles – I don’t think I’ve ever owned a pair with leather soles.

The play was very light, and not particularily polished, but I enjoyed it, liked laughing at the jokes. Tough to wait an hour before hand though. My friend is compulsively early, so told myself and two others to meet him an entire hour before the show started. Not realizing this, I came even earlier, as I’m on a ‘stop being late to everything except therapy’ push. Irritating to wait over an hour, when there was no need, and I was still feeling the therapy aftermath pretty severely.

There’s something about a live performance that’s really nice, when usually all I see is TV, movies and DVD. I respond more strongly to the actors – some have a quality that I respond to. Others seem a little forced, and I don’t find myself responding at all.

There’s an amazing amount of sun and warmth these last few days. Today is like summer – I should be out there, soaking it up I suppose.

Work will be coming to an end the end of May. Two more months. This was brought home to me again the other day, as the project is basically being absorbed into a larger project, though they will keep me on for two more months, luckily.

I feel guilty about work. Because I find it tedious, and no one much cares what I do it seems, when I work from home, I don’t get a lot done. I get something done, but do many hours less work than full time. It is just too too boring to force myself to sit all day and do this. However I do think about it, and come up with ideas. I don’t know. I’m confused as to what it is I should do to be a better person.

The client seems to be blissfully happy with what I do actually. And in general, the work is running out, so I need it to last. And the particular individual I need to speak to to move this forward is on vacation this week. So. I’m working s l o w l y.

I’m still recovering from therapy. It’s kind of echoing in the back of my mind. This morning I actually intended to go into work, though I had no meetings, but I was so very depressed, I laid back down after breakfast, just for a minute, and next thing I knew I would be over an hour late if I went in. So I emailed in that I would work from home. So I am struggling with depression, which also makes working difficult.

Processing this stuff just takes a lot of time. Even when you don’t know what it is you’re processing.

This afternoon I went out and did a bit of grocery shopping. My spirits lifted in the sunlight. I thought about sitting outside in a cafe, maybe booking a short massage at some point. I started wondering what I’m wanting to be doing. Do I want to allow room for the feelings of the past to come up, and hopefully move out? Or is it better to try and cheer myself up by going out, maybe buying things, seeing a friend?

The thing that is most difficult is when there is not room for either. Like yesterday, I had to go into work, so feelings were cut off more or less. Then I get exhausted, and bad things start to happen.

I’m aware that in most cases, people have to be able to cope a lot more than I do presently. My next contract, likely I’ll have to work onsite every day, as I have in the past. Then life becomes all about coping.

  1. ((Ellen))I'm sorry you are struggling with depression and work. I feel the same way lately. I called in sick the last two days because I can't work from home.For me the most frustrating part is not knowing what to do: how to be a better person; try and keep busy and distract from my feelings; journal and try to remember and feel things. I wish I could be sure what to do and then I could work on finding the time and energy to do it.thinking of you,di

  2. Ellen said:

    Thanks Di. Yeah, if someone would just tell us what to do, we'd do it! I think we're the original good girls. 🙂

  3. Despite your battles Ellen, you seem to be encountering some highs these past couple of days. So glad for that. Blessings.

  4. Ruth said:

    Never ending process of sorting through the past. I am revisiting it yet again because there is a hook from my past interfering with my present. It is depressing to feel like your past is interfering with enjoying the present. Glad you enjoyed the play and sorry to hear the person didn't tell you the real time. Hugs and good thoughts your way.

  5. Ellen said:

    @ JBR – It's definitely not all bad. Thanks!@ Ruth – Sorry to hear you need to once again plunge into the murky past. But it's worth it in the end. Waiting for the play was nothing, really, just I was feeling bad from therapy, and this friend has severe social anxiety so we didn't talk much to keep us entertained….but no biggie. It was worth it in the end. hugs

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