I’ve been thinking a lot about last night’s group today. I had to do a lot of admin type stuff today, as the tax guy was coming, and then try to work, which is lots of details, and I found it made me incredibly tense. I just want to feel, not think, not organize. I want to feel until I’ve digested this group experience. It’s as if it’s all pushing at me and I have to push it away so I can do ordinary things. Around three oclock I give up on tasks and let myself be a bit. What a relief.
I think my big issue with the group, aside from various interpersonal stuff, is the issue of do I belong, and if so, what part of myself can belong? This is a huge issue in my life also, especially played out at work. I mostly feel that no, I do not belong, and if I do, only the most mature approved part of me can be there.
Because Ron is there, a lot of parts of myself come rushing up it seems. Then, because I’m in a public situation, and because it’s what I’ve always done, I do my best to push them back down. This causes me all kinds of fear and panic. I try to let off steam by giving parts little things to do – shred kleenex, sometimes make kid-like comments. I’m the only person who ever smiles or chuckles in the group for instance, though people sometimes join me.
Anyway, it doesn’t seem to be enough, because I get more and more anxious as the evening goes along, and end up needing to flee towards the end. Or interrupt in a panic.
What to do. I’m really not sure. To be part of it, I would have to speak when I’m afraid, instead of fleeing. On the other hand, it can’t be all about me and my issues every evening can it?
I kind of wish the group was meeting again tonight, or tomorrow, and I could try some things out. I also have a bunch of things I want to say to people about what went on. It’s frustrating to have to wait a week, by which time I’ll have forgotten what I wanted to say, and I will have a different energy anyway.
For instance, I still want to thank A for her kind words to me two weeks ago, when I ignored them. And I want to ask Z, if she has anyone to call and talk to about the incident she went through with her class. She’s said she feels pretty isolated, and yet you need someone to talk to when things go wrong. She was talking about how she was expressing it and allowing the feelings, but it’s still good to talk.
And I would ask E why on earth she accepts R’s treatment of her, even when he’s clearly out of order, and just keeps asking why he doesn’t like her. She attacks me easily enough. And she really attacked D. But with R, she’s almost like a victim. R interrupted her on purpose, while she was talking, because, he said, she was ‘playing therapist’, and started talking himself. She didn’t mention it for two weeks, let alone at the time, and even then she never suggested he was out of order. Just – why oh why? It’s kind of funny. When I interrupted someone else, while she wasn’t even talking, because I was in a panic, she had no trouble immediately saying she felt frustrated by me. So I might ask her this. I guess probably she really likes R, but that is not the case with me or D.
And I might say to R, (this is the fellow who said he liked me BTW) that it often seems as if he’s hovering above the group. He kind of provides a calm analysis, or even a statement about how he feels in response to someone asking him, but he never seems to actually be involved as a player himself. What he says is interesting, and everyone is kind of impressed at how calmly he is able to express himself….but if anyone is playing therapist, it’s him. I believe this is his third group, so he has learned a lot about what he can do in a therapy group. But he’s supposed to be one of us.
I will talk a bit about parts next time. Maybe I’ll grab time right at the start. I don’t mind anymore, and also, I must get Ron onto a new subject and off the subject of my disclosing this, as he’s driving me nuts with it. He he. I know you thought I was there already.
I said some cutting things about Ron’s looks last post, which was childish. Ron looks good and I like his looks. He comes from a certain European country and kind of has a look of that country, which I like. And he’s thin and long limbed, a look I find appealing. I guess when I’m angry at him, I don’t like much about him for that hour anyway, but it passes.
Part of the feelings I’ve been trying to feel are being terribly judged by E. All the ways I feel people at work judge me, I feel she also judges me. She is the most conventional person there, well educated, working for the government, groomed in a professional way, so she reminds me of all that I am not. And she reminds me of my sister judging me. It’s painful but I can see I’m bringing a lot to this situation, she really isn’t doing that much bad stuff to me.
All in all, I’m glad I have the group, and while it plunges me into anxiety often times, it’s still a good thing.