It’s been all about feelings of abandonment this week. Ron left for vacation Wednesday. The younger parts of me have been dreading his vacation even before he left. No matter that I wouldn’t have seen him yet anyway, not until tomorrow. Unless you count the group, which didn’t happen yesterday. But rationality has no impact on kid parts whatsoever.
In fact, we hadn’t been getting along particularily well anyway. The last two sessions I’d felt as if he wasn’t real….and I’d had trouble talking. So I’m not sure what it is I’m missing. It’s not that I want to explore painful issues, or at least, I’m happy to take a break. I may be missing a fantasy therapist. It feels very real though. As if I’m very small, and left alone, and the world has turned dark and cold.
At first I was dissociated, kind of living beside my body, in order not to feel this. Now I half feel it. I know if I can feel it entirely, it will pass, or change. I need to somehow relax enough to feel though.
Things have been falling apart a bit at work in consequence, and my people skills deteriorate.
I had written him some emails and not sent them, because I want him to have a good rest from clients, or at least from me. Now I sent one of them. Needing to feel better triumphed over other feelings.
I am to call him early next week for a tiny ‘check-in’. Nice of him. I sent Ron an angry email after my last session and he responded by offering the phone call. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t intend to be scared this time. It’ll be fine and reassuring. Hopefully. I wish it was a call today though.
Take care everyone. Hope you are well.