By myself

It’s been all about feelings of abandonment this week. Ron left for vacation Wednesday. The younger parts of me have been dreading his vacation even before he left. No matter that I wouldn’t have seen him yet anyway, not until tomorrow. Unless you count the group, which didn’t happen yesterday. But rationality has no impact on kid parts whatsoever.

In fact, we hadn’t been getting along particularily well anyway. The last two sessions I’d felt as if he wasn’t real….and I’d had trouble talking. So I’m not sure what it is I’m missing. It’s not that I want to explore painful issues, or at least, I’m happy to take a break. I may be missing a fantasy therapist. It feels very real though. As if I’m very small, and left alone, and the world has turned dark and cold.

At first I was dissociated, kind of living beside my body, in order not to feel this. Now I half feel it. I know if I can feel it entirely, it will pass, or change. I need to somehow relax enough to feel though.

Things have been falling apart a bit at work in consequence, and my people skills deteriorate.

I had written him some emails and not sent them, because I want him to have a good rest from clients, or at least from me. Now I sent one of them. Needing to feel better triumphed over other feelings.

I am to call him early next week for a tiny ‘check-in’. Nice of him. I sent Ron an angry email after my last session and he responded by offering the phone call. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t intend to be scared this time. It’ll be fine and reassuring. Hopefully. I wish it was a call today though.

Take care everyone. Hope you are well.

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5 comments
  1. I am glad that at least you will be able to call in to Ron next week. Praying your little one's will comforted at this time of separation. Safe hugs.

  2. Paula said:

    feeling that he is not real with you HURTS.Mostly because though it is a feeling and NOT a fact. If there is not proof that he wasnt real with himself or with you, it might have been "nothing" but a myth of your mind.You reached out to him and when he offered a phone call, you are quick to ensure to state, that you didnt ask for it, you didnt need….The way you describe it is the dance of distance. Wanting something ffrom him but dont want him close when he offers to do so If after awhile a person doesnt pick up on that it might get annoying, frustrating, tiring. There might be days where he doesnt want to offer this to you anymore as he his contacted and pushed aside, wanted and gets questioned.Oh yes, little One can feel pretty lonely with a person she got attached too. Even now, 1,5 years after I have left the trauma center I sometimes wish I could talk to my therapist or the team. By now I see this as indicator to attend to my little one's need as apparently I was not attentive to myself. Because any nourishment form the outside is NOT lasting, that comes from within.Love from my heart to yours,Paula

  3. thats a horrible way to feel 😦 do you think that because things havent been great with him lately it could almost be making the separation worse? When my T left I felt things were really good on the last session and i think even now, three months in, that is helping me: a sense that they care. If she'd seemed unreal and judgemental of me on the last day, I think i would have carried that feeling with me too. Hopefully you will feel reassured if you speak to him on monday. Just need to get through until then though. It's not a nice way to feel. I'm sorry for you

  4. Laura said:

    Hi Ellen, it's nice to take a break, you might try focusing your attention on that "good news". After some years, it seems as if I am able to keep my good feelings about Howard, those magical moments that you've experienced too, in a box, and they're available to me as long as the real and aggravating Howard isn't in my face bursting that bubble.So when he's away, your memories and flashbacks recede? It sounds as if your present unhappiness has to do with Ron's absence and not older trauma…

  5. Ellen said:

    @ JBR – Thanks! Yes the call is comforting usually.@ Paula – Yes, the unreal feeling is something I"m creating. It's a type of dissociation it seems like. Hmmm…I do actually wish for the call and am not pushing it away. It's true I didnt directly ask for it and don't want to impose. I wish I didn't need it. I wish you could talk to your therapist of the team also. I don't see it as a terrible thing to be attached – that is how change is going to happen I think. But it does lead to some suffering sometimes. I just don't think I can meet all of my own needs, though self care is important. hugs to you@ Candy – Good to hear you carry a positive picture of your T with you into the future, even though she isn't around. I think I would find this a challenge, but maybe not. I actually do feel Ron cares. Especially when I'm not sitting opposite him. 🙂 I don't know why that is. I already feel better having sent that email, and he responded with a time I can call him. So things are better.Thanks for commenting!@ Laura – "As long as the real and aggravating Howard isn't around…" lol. It's the same with me, most times, that I can remember the good things about Ron and me. Just sometimes I'm triggered and this doesn't work so well for some reason. Yep, I'm not having flashbacks, which is a very good thing. And I don't miss digging up issues. And I have an extra hundred bucks to spend, which I promptly have. The bad feelings seem to me to be strictly about Ron not being here. Thanks for your thoughts!

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