Well, group was difficult. But not as bad as sometimes. Maybe it was me that was difficult.
It was sad basically. For me. People had trouble talking….so we talked about that.
I had just been having a difficult evening before the group, because I’d been going through some body memories. They hurt so much. They are so painful and lonely and scary to have. But anyway, I rested and then I went to the group. I was actually shaking when I first got there.
R actually asked me at the start if I was OK. I just said yeah, I was fine, did I look like I wasn’t? And he said a little. Nope, I’m OK. Really nice of him to notice.
Maybe I should have talked about the memories and how I was feeling. But I’d been determined that I would listen this time, as I’d talked all last time. So mostly I listened.
I panicked twice. And I told the group about it. But then I couldn’t explain what the panic was. The second time, I was going to leave as per usual, but I interrupted the woman who was talking, D, who by the way had never talked before and, get this, her issue that she was talking about was being pushed aside and ignored by her stepmother for her whole life. And I interrupt her. Nice.
So Ron probably wasn’t too happy with me, because he wanted this woman to talk.
But anyway, he talked to me for a minute or two, and then after a bit the feeling subsided and I didn’t leave. And he turned back to her as soon as possible. Which I understand, but I didn’t like. It’s like I’m a kid.
Now I feel freaked out and sad. Sigh. I guess I can do what I plan to do in the group, but I’m not good at modifying my plans to take into account new information. For instance that I’d just been re-experiencing an assault, and needed to at least mention it a bit. Probably that would have been better.
The problem is too I don’t feel I can share Ron with anyone when I feel bad like this. I see him on Saturday this week, not tomorrow.
Bye. Take care.
I will reply to the last comments very soon, thank you for leaving them.