I settle in and look around Ron’s office for a while as usual. I always want to see if anything has changed, I look about for coffee mugs, phone chargers, books out of place. It seems important to establish all of this in my mind before we start.
Ron gazes at me in his unsmiling way.
E. You are looking extremely solemn.
R. Am I? Why do you think I’m looking like that?
E. You tell me.
R. Well, I don’t feel solemn.
He smiles a bit. I haven’t seen Ron smile for quite a few weeks, so this is a relief.
E. The group last night was OK I thought. I wish I didn’t have to talk about it so soon – I’d rather process it a bit first.
R. Well, I was thinking we would process it here.
E. I guess, but I’d rather talk about it after a few days. With respect to the group, I’d rather talk about it say Monday.
Ron doesn’t say anything.
E. So if you have anything to say to me, maybe you could say it now, while I can understand it. I will totally understand anything complicated if you say it now.
R. You’re feeling close to dropping into a younger part of yourself?
E. I don’t know. It does tend to happen here.
And now I can’t remember anything else. Hmmm….I know it was a session that went all over the place. I know I didn’t drop into a part like I have been. I know I felt somewhat worse about last evening’s group than before I talked to Ron. I guess I’m not seeing it the way he does, I miss the bad parts somehow. It seems to me that if I talk, and people are responding to me, then that’s a good thing. I’m so relieved to not be ignored, I’m missing the nuances, such as that people are angry with me. Not really a nuance is it.
E. Do you remember last time, you asked me if with the coughing, I was avoiding the memories or allowing them? Well, I spent Saturday and a good bit of Sunday doing that – making room for the memories, whatever they are. I felt really bad. But the cough subsided almost right away. It really did help.
R. I noticed you didn’t cough much last night either.
E. The group is OK. I do feel more connected to them when I talk. I think I depressed them with my depressing issues though. It must be difficult to listen to, especially those deep lying issues. And I’m not that articulate – I couldn’t really explain that well. And I’m afraid of breaking into parts, and I didn’t, I stayed adult, so that was good. I kind of translated.
R. Why do you not want to be in parts?
E. I just don’t want to do that.
R. You think you depressed them, that they can’t handle you?
E. Well, they looked depressed. The group is nice though, really.
R. Why do you say that at this point?
E. It was nice, when they were all talking at the end. Except for E, who was pretty hostile I thought.
R. I think the group was angry. When you said you wouldn’t miss them much if they died….
E. Well, I was talking about if I died.
R. You think we wouldn’t even talk about that, the next week?
E. No, of course you would talk about it. But they’d get over it. It’s not like they’re family or friends.
Ron doesn’t say anything.
Now there’s a bunch of stuff I can’t remember. Curses. The problem was the session really went all over the place, with lots of silence. I was struggling to talk, words were not coming easily at all.
E. I didn’t treat you very well really. I told you I couldn’t understand you, and some other things….
R. I thought you treated me OK. I didn’t feel that. You told me you felt I didn’t like you in the group…that was honest.
I am very relieved to hear this. Because I didn’t really accept much that Ron said to me in the group. With his questions, I’d start talking again, but I wouldn’t answer the question really.
E. It’s really noticeable, how I experience you so differently than other group members. When they talk to me, I always understand what they’re saying. When you talk to me, mostly I can’t understand….
R. What do you make of that?
E. Well…I think you’re reminding me of someone in my past. I’m getting confused.
Ron doesn’t say anything to this.
E. You know, when I was talking about my father, it was as if I was back in our kitchen in the house in suburbville. I could see all the details. And remember how all the rooms were laid out….It’s weird.
R. A flashback.
E. I guess. I’d see the place where the stairs went down to the basement, where the dishwasher was, how the hall led off to the bedrooms…
R. Do you want to draw me a picture?
E. No. Why would I? It’s stupid.
R. It’s important to a part of you. And houses can be very symbolic psychologically.
R. That ‘ah’ sounds irritated.
E. Well, you’re being psychological. I am a bit irritated by that.
R. (soft voice) And why does that irritate you, that I’m being psychological?
E. I don’t know. It is your job after all. You’re supposed to do that.
R. You don’t think a house can be symbolic?
E. I suppose. The kitchen stands for nurturing, sustenance, the heart…the bedroom for retreat, rest…the basement is where you put all the stuff you don’t want, and what would be the head – the study I suppose, the rational part of ourselves.
I feel really irritated by this whole scenario. Ron looks surprised. I don’t really know why I feel like this. It just seems irrelevant to what I’m struggling with. There, that’s something I could have said. It also seems like Ron never acknowledges what a struggle it is for me to deal with this subject of my father….how painful it is. Instead he comes up with ridiculous theories. There. I could have said that. Nothing much occurred to me at the time. Now I think about it, I’m really angry. It’s like he’s missing me.
Maybe I’ll bring this up next time.
I can’t remember what happened next. I don’t think we went any further with this.
E. It’s difficult being in parts. Like this morning, I slept late, so there wasn’t time to decide what to wear. The kid likes this top.
I tug at my top in annoyance.
E. She likes the colour. I don’t like it and I didn’t want to wear it.
R. What’s wrong with the top?
E. It’s the exact same colour as the doors on your stairs (the doors are bright turqoise). I’m wearing a top that’s the colour of doors! I wanted black. But there wasn’t time to figure this out, because I was late.
Ron just looks at me.
E. And I don’t know…I just want to feel better. And I don’t see why I’m remembering all these details of life when I was a teenager. I’m remembering a lot of modes of transport, don’t know if you’ve noticed. The bus, my bike, the horses…all means of getting around. And I’m remembering such odd details – like how heavy the saddle was when I put it on the horse, tying on the blanket first, how dusty the horse was if I patted him….
R. I think you are remembering the high points, when you really felt alive.
E. And I don’t know why I was so depressed. It wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t. It was normal. And yet I felt really really bad.
Ron doesn’t say anything.
E. Half the time I wish I were dead.
R. I think you are remembering something, that is so painful, and hurts so much, that you’d rather think about death than feel this.
Now I don’t say anything. Maybe this is true. There is something I’m trying to remember but can’t.
I’m having trouble talking, as I have throughout the session.
E. So when I’m here, trying to talk to you, there’s this part of me that pushes down at me, that doesn’t want me to talk. As if talking were completely dangerous. I’ve been coming here for over a year, and that part is still trying to stop me from talking.
R. So it’s pushing down?
E. And the other parts of me are trying to talk, and it’s exhausting.
R. Speak from those parts.
E. Well, she’s really mean to us. She doesn’t want us to talk.
E. OK, but I’m the person who keeps everything running. I get to places on time. I make sure there are groceries. I work….
This part is very exasperated. She feels she has all the responsibility and none of the credit.
R. So you’re afraid that you’ll get stuck in a young traumatized part?
R. I think that you had to be in charge for a long time, but now there’s an adult that can do these things. I think you’re gathering evidence that you don’t have to keep doing this…
This makes me angry.
E. No there isn’t. Nope. There’s just parts. There’s no adult gathering evidence. No one is gathering evidence. At all. I just switch around to different parts. That’s what is happening.
R. How do you feel about the other parts?
E. They don’t exist. There’s just me.
R. So you’re killing yourself off.
E. No. I’m not.
Now I start to feel remorseful at how I’m treating Ron. Getting angry, rejecting his opinions.
E. Sorry, I’m not doing a good job. I know this session is all over the place. Sorry. But if you want to say anything to me, I can totally understand you.
I mean that in this part, my mind is clear and working well, rational and logical. I feel a lot brighter as this part – a kind of hard shiny brightness that makes life as an adult manageable.
Ron kind of smiles.
E. Time’s up. Thanks.
I swing out the door exactly on the dot of the end of session.
After this session, I’m a bit dissociated. I go to the wine store and buy French wine. The rest of the day, I can only eat kid food – toast with nutella, hot cereal, soup. I can’t quite feel anything, and I can’t really function too well, though I do a couple of hours of work.
I’m worried Ron thinks I’m a freak.