I went to my horrible group.
It is horrible. Because. Because I am there and nobody cares. Except Ron left the kleenex box that is for kids by me. Because I like that. But I don’t get to talk to him. In the group. No one says hello to me.
OK, that is the kid’s opinion.
I was feeling awful after work. What else is new. But this was pretty bad, complete with suicidal thoughts. But I drugged myself up and dragged myself to the f’ing group.
My ‘enemy’ E talked tonight. She’s having troubles with her husband, and is also jealous of someone in the group. I listened. I gave a bit of feedback about my own experience with my ex-husband. What else could I really do.
I left the group for about 15 minutes. I was feeling so incredibly lonely and starting to dissociate – depersonalize it’s called. Whatever. I needed to stop that from happening.
It was very lonely to have Ron there, and me feeling so bad, and I really have no one to talk to, and then there wasn’t room to talk in the group anyway. E was very emotional.
I’m thinking of killing myself. Not really. I just think about it all the time. I won’t actually do it. But it is very disturbing to be thinking of death all the time. Even if it’s in a kind of dissociated kind of a way. And I have to keep reminding myself that it’s the coughing that’s brought it on. I’m coughing loose bits of traumatic memories, and they make me want to die. It’s not my life, though I can find reasons to hate my life. It’s the trauma.
It’s lonely to sit with a bunch of people, in a therapy group for God’s sake, and not be able to mention how bad I feel. After a very lonely day at work where I don’t have a friend.
I ended up shredding an awful lot of kleenex. And staring at the kleenex box, which has kid’s drawings on it. And winding my long scarf around the arms of the chair. And around my neck different ways. I’m eccentric like that, and I don’t care.
I thought towards the end of the group, I’m definitely quitting this group. Then I decided to also quit therapy, since I felt so distant from Ron, like we had no connection whatsoever.
But since getting home, I feel a bit calmer. I don’t feel worse than when I set out. In fact, I think I feel a bit better, which doesn’t make sense.
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