I think I’ll keep talking, in the interests of coming out of this funk.

I’ve realized it’s my coughing that’s brought it on. I’m absurdly sensitive to physical stuff, and coughing is like being shaken around really. Suddenly the middle of my body is getting a lot of involuntary exercise. I have to avoid a lot of physical activities because they bring up my issues, and then I get dissociated. Coughing isn’t making me dissociated, but it’s bringing up fragments of memories, and I end up thinking about death.

At least I know what’s brought this on.

It was very difficult to get ready for work this morning, and at one point I laid back down and did just breathing. I was half an hour late for work. Getting going late means going in in the most crowded part of the day, complete with being squashed into the subway and not getting a seat ever. Sigh.

At work, I gradually started to feel more normal. Then we had a meeting and horrible department manager was there. And of course I tangled with her. Very bad.

I don’t really get it. I know I’m right, and in a way it’s not a huge big deal. But whatever I say, HD refuses to allow it. The issue today was once again how links should be labelled. She’s just manadating a very confusing way of doing it. It’s not following accepted practice, as she doesn’t know what that is, and it will confuse users.

However, as per usual, I don’t present my case too well. As soon as I get emotional, parts come into play, and I get childish. I can’t see myself so I’m not sure what it’s like, but I know I fragment and don’t come across as a calm grown-up person. I think I lose track of being adult somehow. I think if I actually had DID, this would work better – a part would emerge that would take care of adult business. What I have is different – the parts are all kids it seems, and they pop up at the wrong times. It’s been a problem that’s dogged me all my working life, though it’s not been as clear what the heck the problem is.

In this meeting, I was basically shut down. My supervisor simply said to do it how I liked, and that HD would then change it to suit her.

After the meeting, I start to feel worse and worse about how I handled it. And how I’m being shut down. Then I started to wonder how long my contract was going to last, if something had changed, if they were letting me go….Basically fear.

Still, I handled work OK and was able to get stuff done. Until about 3 pm. Then the suicidal voice came back. It’s a voice again, it’s not me at least. It’s difficult to explain. It’s obviously me, but it doesn’t feel like me, but it’s still disturbing to have a part that’s saying she wants to die. It doesn’t seem like a good sign at all.

So I go off to the coffee shop to consider and to write in my blue notebook. My blue notebook is where I write whatever stupid and ridiculous and childish things I have to say, and it makes me feel better. It’s like a place where kid type voices can speak. The kid, for instance, is entranced by the new valentine’s donut – shaped like a heart, with sprinkles! I don’t eat donuts, and this particular one looks horribly horribly sweet and gooey. But still the kid can like it and admire it and write it down.

I am trying to accept the teenage voice without being overwhelmed by it. In the past I’ve simply hated it and wished it wasn’t there. I’m getting some relief from Ron’s calm acceptance of this inexplicable part of me, so I’m starting to treat that part the same way. It’s there because of trauma, I figure. It’s not my fault that this voice is there. I can’t get rid of it. I need to accept it.

Now I’m home, and I didn’t go directly to bed, which is good. I will warm up some supper, and maybe watch a bit of Up, my kid DVD from the library.

  1. Ruth said:

    Your Bluenote book sounds like a great idea. Glad you are finding a way that works for you. Perhaps when the other voice feels heard you might work things out. Take care.

  2. Laura said:

    hi Ellen,sorry you're having a difficult time, glad you want to write more. I've missed your postings.I'm also mystified by my emotions, much of the time. have you ever looked into Internal Family Systems?

  3. Ellen, I see you hard a work on your recovery despite the struggle. Dealing with our little ones can be overwhelming at times. Here always listening…..

  4. gniz said:

    Still reading and listening Ellen. Take care.Aaron

  5. Ellen said:

    @ Ruth – Your comment arrived just when I needed a kind word, and I thank you Ruth. Yeah, the notebook is good. I'm hoping you're right about the voice. @ Laura – Emotions are mystifying. No, maybe I'll look into that system some time. It works for you?@ JBR – thank you JBR. hugs@ gniz – thanks Aaron. hope you're well

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