Still recovering from my flu / cold combo, but I’m back at work and feeling more alive again.

I think I’m suffering from a delayed therapy hangover. I’ve been feeling hurt since therapy that Ron seemed to think I was uncaring. And it’s seemed to me that he thought E, from my group, is extremely caring of other people. For one thing, she keeps saying she is. For another, some people in the group have expressed how much they feel connected to her. No matter what she says. So if she says, for instance, ‘I can’t relate at all…’ and then explains how she is the opposite of the person who is talking, that person seems to feel all encouraged and goes on explaining their situation to her. I guess it’s her sunny smile and hopeful look – I don’t know. It’s not having that effect on me.

Ron has been bringing up various ways I don’t seem ‘caring’ in the group, and specifically how I’ve responded negatively to E. So I jumped to the conclusion that he likes her better than he likes me, the uncaring skeptic. Yesterday in the middle of the night I wrote Ron an email protesting this situation. And felt a bit better.

He wrote back that he doesn’t think I’m ‘uncaring’. Whatever. He says it more pretty – I push people away. Still, I felt better having written it out and having that more or less accepted.

Yesterday, I walked around at work wanting to cry. Very annoying. Got home and fell into bed.

Today, I got up and worked from home. And felt unbearable sad and oppressed. I ended up crying madly. It was like a huge cloudburst. As if someone had died. I felt unbelievably upset. I am no longer crying but I feel as if I’ve been run over by a truck. Exhausted by emotion.

So what on earth has happened to me? I don’t really know.

My best guess is it’s something to do with sibling rivalry with my sister, whom E reminds me of. If that’s it, I didn’t know it affected me so deeply.

Whatever it is, I no longer feel like saying nasty things about E, which I couldn’t stop doing before. It’s odd – like your ship hitting a hidden iceberg. I didn’t know that stuff was there, under the surface. 

I wonder if I do convey distance and withholding by the way I look at people. Is that what I am? Is it all obvious from the way I look at you? Do you feel chilled to the bone by my glance?

  1. Amanda said:

    Each time I read about your group session, I feel overwhelmed (for me). It takes courage, I feel, to do both with the same person. I think I would've responded in a similar fashion if my t said (or implied) that I wasn't caring. I hope you're able to put the pieces together, although it seems that you already are.Thinking of you and hoping that you continue to feel better.

  2. Ruth said:

    I know I have been accused of being distant or cold. The storm you mention of crying, you asked what happen, sounds like you hit what I call a powder keg. Emotion choked down and stored years ago waiting for the right trigger to set it off. http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2011/07/triggers_25.html This post tells a little about my triggers and a link to more information. Triggers can suck, especially if you don't know they are there.

  3. Obviously I don't know you IRL, but certainly in blog-land you do not come off as uncaring or cold at all. In fact, I think you're sensitive, hence why you can feel some of the insincerity coming from E and others can't. That happens quite often with me, and sometimes I feel like I'm too judgemental, but I think that I try and be open and honest and supportive with people, so I expect the same back, and that isn't always the case. I hope you're feeling better

  4. i like your glances, so i don't think that's it! just sayin'….i think you are on to something re. your sister. in group therapy we are replaying family dynamics. maybe there are other family members making an appearance, too. it's worth exploring. i've had group members, variously, remind me of my mother, my sister and my father. also myself, at other ages. i'd dedicate some time to this, for sure. glad you are feeling better, and see you soon for coffee! c.

  5. gniz said:

    Hey Ellen, I can read in your post and feel the pain and sadness of feeling judged in ways by Ron, and misunderstood perhaps by others.Also it seems that you are going back and forth about Ron thinking negative things about you, etc. For me, I've really found a lot of relief in trying to come back into my body when I find myself getting very caught up in negative thoughts. Sometimes it's as though my mind just begins to freak out and get really negative. So by slowing myself down and consciously relaxing as best I can (and trying to take some slow and relaxed breaths), I've noticed that many times I can slowly come out of the "negative fog" a bit sooner.Just a little tip for something that's worked for me and I know I've mentioned to you previously, but thought it couldn't hurt to reiterate…Keep your chin up, we're rooting for you!

  6. Delayed T. hangover. Interesting title. Makes sense. Triggers although painful, are important. I am so very sorry for your pain dear Ellen. Always here listening…..

  7. Ellen said:

    Thanks Amanda. It's extremely difficult for me, though it can also be enlightening. The uncaring thing really sucked – not a nice thought about oneself. Cheers

  8. Ellen said:

    Powder keg is the right word Ruth. I read your post, thanks. I guess this woman was a kind of a trigger for me, for feelings about my sister. take care

  9. Ellen said:

    @ NWNMG – Thank you, I'll take sensitive and discerning over uncaring. πŸ™‚ I feel judgmental also sometimes. take care@ brave – He he. You do know my actual glance, so I'll take your word on that Catherine. Group dynamics – that sounds right. It never occurred to me that people could remind you of yourself at other ages. See you at coffee!

  10. Ellen said:

    Thanks Aaron. That is right – I feel judged and misunderstood, basically. It's a painful feeling. Yeah, the meditative stance you're describing does often work for me, if I can remember to try it. Sometimes though, I just have to go through feeling. Thanks for encouraging me. take care

  11. Ellen said:

    Thanks as always JBR. hugs

  12. judged and misunderstood is how you have described your family dynamic growing up. no wonder it is so painful. keep digging in to this. it will hurt, but will be healing in the end.

  13. gniz said:

    And Ellen, please don't read what I said as me telling you to stop feeling these feelings. By no means am I judging what you feel (well maybe I was in a sense but I didn't mean to, honest). I only meant to say that the stance we discussed can sometimes help me to move through things with less difficulty and more clarity. Best and well wishes to your little one!

  14. I find it interesting how you've made the connection between E and your sister. I think that's really good insight about yourself. For me sometimes people think I'm distant but I can't help myself from holding people at arms length. But I don't think that makes me uncaring. This is hard stuff but you are doing good work.(I had to comment with a blogger account, wordpress hasn't let me comment here for the past week 😦

  15. Paula said:

    Hmmm, "like something has died in me" maybe it did. Maybe a part which you considered useful coping skill for a time has died as by now this particularly coping skill has outlived its usefulness. You feel judged by R. and seemingly others, yet dont you judge too? I know for myself I was aloof and distant, I was OVERsensitive as to protect myself. Any adjective in the first place doesnt hold "positive" or "negative" it is a person who give it this attribute. being sad, exhausted and feeling lost, is part of the journey and proof of the hard work you are doing.

  16. Laura said:

    you don't push people away, here… what is he saying specifically? because, it seems like it's putting the cart before the horse. Why should you care about these people? why should you trust them? why should you think they have anything relevant to say to you?

  17. Ellen said:

    Thanks Brave. I'll do that. If I can.Hi gniz, I understood you, no worries. Meditation is not the same as suppressing feelings, though it can be used that way, as we've talked about before. thx Hi gniz, I am good and hope you are good also. I am glad we had snow. your friend, Ellen

  18. Ellen said:

    Thanks maze. Interesting that people think you are distant also. Maybe it comes from feeling we are different, from having abuse in our pasts? Comments here are a problem lately for me also. thanks for persisting. take care

  19. Ellen said:

    Yes, I'm sure I judge also, unfortunately, though I try not to. Especially when I'm feeling threatened like I am in the group. Hmmm…I guess we are an aloof bunch altogether. Until you get to know us. thanks for the encouragement. hugs

  20. Ellen said:

    Spoken like a true non-groupie type of person Laura. Those are good questions. I think I do find it easier to be accepting online than in person sometimes. take care

  21. You are NOT uncaring. You always answer everyone who comments on your blog posts, even someone like me, who only comments occasionally. I think you may be extra sensitive to what people think; I know how that is (do I!).. people will think what they think and sometimes it does not have basis in reality.

  22. Ellen said:

    Thanks Maren. Of course I will answer you also, and it's good to know you are still here. Being afraid of being judged is the essence of social anxiety, which is one of the huge things I struggle with. Thanks for the kind words.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: