Still recovering from my flu / cold combo, but I’m back at work and feeling more alive again.
I think I’m suffering from a delayed therapy hangover. I’ve been feeling hurt since therapy that Ron seemed to think I was uncaring. And it’s seemed to me that he thought E, from my group, is extremely caring of other people. For one thing, she keeps saying she is. For another, some people in the group have expressed how much they feel connected to her. No matter what she says. So if she says, for instance, ‘I can’t relate at all…’ and then explains how she is the opposite of the person who is talking, that person seems to feel all encouraged and goes on explaining their situation to her. I guess it’s her sunny smile and hopeful look – I don’t know. It’s not having that effect on me.
Ron has been bringing up various ways I don’t seem ‘caring’ in the group, and specifically how I’ve responded negatively to E. So I jumped to the conclusion that he likes her better than he likes me, the uncaring skeptic. Yesterday in the middle of the night I wrote Ron an email protesting this situation. And felt a bit better.
He wrote back that he doesn’t think I’m ‘uncaring’. Whatever. He says it more pretty – I push people away. Still, I felt better having written it out and having that more or less accepted.
Yesterday, I walked around at work wanting to cry. Very annoying. Got home and fell into bed.
Today, I got up and worked from home. And felt unbearable sad and oppressed. I ended up crying madly. It was like a huge cloudburst. As if someone had died. I felt unbelievably upset. I am no longer crying but I feel as if I’ve been run over by a truck. Exhausted by emotion.
So what on earth has happened to me? I don’t really know.
My best guess is it’s something to do with sibling rivalry with my sister, whom E reminds me of. If that’s it, I didn’t know it affected me so deeply.
Whatever it is, I no longer feel like saying nasty things about E, which I couldn’t stop doing before. It’s odd – like your ship hitting a hidden iceberg. I didn’t know that stuff was there, under the surface.
I wonder if I do convey distance and withholding by the way I look at people. Is that what I am? Is it all obvious from the way I look at you? Do you feel chilled to the bone by my glance?