Today I can’t decide between going for a walk in the park or going downtown to shop for some desperately needed clothes. Somehow my winter wardrobe has deteriorated to the point where I don’t have enough to wear. I bought some tops at lunch at work, but they have too much synthetic and make me sweat, which can be a problem at work. I guess I need 100% cotton. Must be an anxiety thing, the tendency to sweat. Plus it’s a subway thing – you’ll be in the biggest coat, as it’s minus 20 with the wind chill, but get in the subway, and it’s heated to indoor temperature. And you’re wedged in too tightly to remove said enormous coat. So I sweat. Don’t know how other people manage.
But today it’s sunny and warmish out! A few degrees above zero, with sun, almost unheard of for January. So perhaps I should go to the park.
I’m kind of stuck in the house at this point, noonish on Saturday. I’m still processing my therapy session. Today I feel pretty good about being the kid in the session. I feel kind of accepted. Ron is the only person who has ever spoken to the kid and known it wasn’t me. I feel a kind of warmth and acceptance that is so pleasant.
I also feel darker things stirring underneath all this, but I don’t want to go into that stuff. Since I’m mostly in a fairly good place at the moment. If a little anxious from keeping things at bay, but I’ll take that in return for doing better.
I have a niggling niggling fear of the group next week, and of E. I think about how much I dislike her. Which is ridiculous since I basically don’t know her. I dislike people who control, and set themselves up as the blameless good guy. I dislike how she shopped out D to the group without it seemed to care about him whatsoever. So he talked a bit about the group outside the group. We’ve all done it I’m damn sure. D. has now quit the group, the only person to quit, after being pretty savagely attacked in it. I do think Ron should have protected him more. But who knows why he quit. He was having scheduling issues anyway.
It’s kind of interesting how Ron wants the group to go to darker places, and even seems to encourage airing our ‘worst’ feelings. And his clients are really pretty nice – thoughtful, smart, a bit introverted. Funny how a specific therapist attracts a specific type of client. So no one is nasty to other people. Still….it can get scary.
As far as I understand it, the idea is to really address our real feelings, instead of pretending otherwise when darker feelings come up, as we must do in the social world. Plus, the idea is to work on your stuff. I suppose. It’s not been made all that clear. Ron kind of sits there and allows whatever is happening to happen. He says he’s there to keep things safe for everyone. Not sure he always does that. There is a fine balance between allowing things to happen and keeping it safe. By keeping it safe you’re not allowing something else to happen naturally.
Anyhow, I don’t want to worry about it until I must – the day of say. For now, I’m going to banish it from my mind. Like not thinking of a pink elephant.
Yesterday I went back to my 12 step group. It’s the same day as therapy, so mostly I’ve been too out of it to go. I’m glad I went this time. I find I’m not afraid of that group the way I fear group therapy. I think it’s because there is such a clear structure. Plus as there is no cross-talk, I know I can say what I want and it will be OK. I do notice that I keep my contributions brief – I don’t go into my issues much, and just give a brief top of mind summary. I’m actually scared to talk more than that. So it is a little limited in that it’s not pushing me.
I like the readings there, thinking about the steps, the daily affirmation. And it’s real interesting to hear the range of issues people are dealing with, and how they are approaching them. It ranges from ‘I’m worried about my mutual funds’ to ‘I have psychotic episodes and just got out of the hospital’. A lot of people are dealing with worries, not just me, and it’s good for me to realize that, over and over, every time I make it to one of the meetings.