Saturday morning

Today I can’t decide between going for a walk in the park or  going downtown to shop for some desperately needed clothes. Somehow my winter wardrobe has deteriorated to the point where I don’t have enough to wear. I bought some tops at lunch at work, but they have too much synthetic and make me sweat, which can be a problem at work. I guess I need 100% cotton. Must be an anxiety thing, the tendency to sweat. Plus it’s a subway thing – you’ll be in the biggest coat, as it’s minus 20 with the wind chill, but get in the subway, and it’s heated to indoor temperature. And you’re wedged in too tightly to remove said enormous coat. So I sweat. Don’t know how other people manage.

But today it’s sunny and warmish out! A few degrees above zero, with sun, almost unheard of for January. So perhaps I should go to the park.

I’m kind of stuck in the house at this point, noonish on Saturday. I’m still processing my therapy session. Today I feel pretty good about being the kid in the session. I feel kind of accepted. Ron is the only person who has ever spoken to the kid and known it wasn’t me. I feel a kind of warmth and acceptance that is so pleasant.

I also feel darker things stirring underneath all this, but I don’t want to go into that stuff. Since I’m mostly in a fairly good place at the moment. If a little anxious from keeping things at bay, but I’ll take that in return for doing better.

I have a niggling niggling fear of the group next week, and of E. I think about how much I dislike her. Which is ridiculous since I basically don’t know her. I dislike people who control, and set themselves up as the blameless good guy. I dislike how she shopped out D to the group without it seemed to care about him whatsoever. So he talked a bit about the group outside the group. We’ve all done it I’m damn sure. D. has now quit the group, the only person to quit, after being pretty savagely attacked in it. I do think Ron should have protected him more. But who knows why he quit. He was having scheduling issues anyway.

It’s kind of interesting how Ron wants the group to go to darker places, and even seems to encourage airing our ‘worst’ feelings. And his clients are really pretty nice – thoughtful, smart, a bit introverted. Funny how a specific therapist attracts a specific type of client. So no one is nasty to other people. Still….it can get scary.

As far as I understand it, the idea is to really address our real feelings, instead of pretending otherwise when darker feelings come up, as we must do in the social world. Plus, the idea is to work on your stuff. I suppose. It’s not been made all that clear. Ron kind of sits there and allows whatever is happening to happen. He says he’s there to keep things safe for everyone. Not sure he always does that. There is a fine balance between allowing things to happen and keeping it safe. By keeping it safe you’re not allowing something else to happen naturally.

Anyhow, I don’t want to worry about it until I must – the day of say. For now, I’m going to banish it from my mind. Like not thinking of a pink elephant.

Yesterday I went back to my 12 step group. It’s the same day as therapy, so mostly I’ve been too out of it to go. I’m glad I went this time. I find I’m not afraid of that group the way I fear group therapy. I think it’s because there is such a clear structure. Plus as there is no cross-talk, I know I can say what I want and it will be OK. I do notice that I keep my contributions brief – I don’t go into my issues much, and just give a brief top of mind summary. I’m actually scared to talk more than that. So it is a little limited in that it’s not pushing me.

I like the readings there, thinking about the steps, the daily affirmation. And it’s real interesting to hear the range of issues people are dealing with, and how they are approaching them. It ranges from ‘I’m worried about my mutual funds’ to ‘I have psychotic episodes and just got out of the hospital’. A lot of people are dealing with worries, not just me, and it’s good for me to realize that, over and over, every time I make it to one of the meetings.

  1. HubCats said:

    Hi Ellen, I notice how your feelings about E have varied over this break, without any new input. Are they based on internal currents?the group sounds interesting – scary too, if it's possible to be savagely attacked, and you have the ptsd to deal with. Groups are thought to be good because they contain individuals who push your buttons as will people in the real world, and it's a place where you can explore your responses. I would have to work on staying in touch with my internal responses, in the room. Plus you have your therapist there, and the dynamics that creates, of sharing him with others, perceived slights and favoritism. My advice is to be as upfront as you can about your anger at Ron, in the group. It'll be good for you and good for the group.

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi HubCats – I'm sure my feelings about E. are based on internal currents. Not sure what ones, but definitely. It's like that when someone affects us strongly I think. Hmm…I did say savagely attacked didn't I. I had to go back and look. And I guess it is true if one group member is allowed to be attacked like that, then I could be too. I think Ron is a bit chauvinistic though in the sense that he is more protective of the women in the group than the men. So I don't realistically think I would be savagely attacked. Though you never know. We'll see next time, as E is the person who does attack. I hadn't thought about 'my anger with Ron'. Hmm…you mean that he didn't referee this problem very well…I don't know. I could bring it up in my individual session I suppose. Maybe I should, as it does bother me. I feel he hung D out to dry basically on two separate occasions. If I was aware of anger with Ron in a group setting, yes it would be good to bring it up. I don't think I'd be aware of it at the time though. It's a good point about staying in touch with internal responses – something for me to work on for sure. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

  3. HubCats said:

    I meant "your anger at Ron, _(if any)_"! ;)You seem very aware of internal responses, and you have your hands full. I tend to get wrapped up in outside events.

  4. Ellen, thank you for your continued insight into your life. Safe hugs.

  5. Ellen said:

    @ HubCats – Thanks. Yes, sometimes I get lost in my inner world actually. @ JBR – hugs to you also JBR

  6. Harriet said:

    This group sounds so difficult, but also I can see how helpful it can be, assuming you can get through it. Where else can you sit with a bunch of people and say exactly what you feel? And yet dealing with all of the others, and their feelings, and feelings about each other, ack, it would be overwhelming for me.I guess group starts again tonight – I hope it goes well, I'll be thinking about you!

  7. Ellen said:

    @ Harriet – Yes, exactly Harriet. It's a unique situation. It does get overwhelming, especially if I'm awash in my own personal issues at the time. ThanksOh, and I just saw that you found my comment on your last post confusing, and I was all set to further explain my thoughts, but for some reason cannot add another comment. I'll try again later.

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