Well I’m stumbling through my holidays. It is really a strange time for a holiday – so much cold and darkness for one thing. I’m getting into the bad habit of getting up late, and there is not much daylight to be had if I miss even a few hours.

I’ve been hibernating a bit. I do go out every day, but not nearly as much as usual. Today I simply went down to the main street and bought groceries for tomorrow – a ham, potatoes. Friends are coming and I will pull myself out of my lethargy and cook them a meal. Dammit. I wanted also to go downtown and look for a bed – I seem to be allergic to my mattress. This has been my plan for my whole holiday, and I have not accomplished it. Sigh.

I got through the intense anger at my family. It seemed to last the day, yesterday, and then it was over. For a while I was also very upset that Ron was out of town. I felt it like a physical pain, and of course I thought Oh no, it’s going to last until my holiday is over. All I’ll wish for is for this time to be over, and him back in the city. What is the point of having a holiday if I’m going to suffer like this?

To cope with that, I pulled out my mindfulness CD, and did two sessions of the body scan. It really helped for this. That pain has now dissolved. I wish Ron was in the city, and could get emails, but he’s not. It’s OK. I know he needs rest and vacations from people like me. But why oh why? pipes up a little voice. He He. Because grownups need rest.

I do feel supported by the fact that he had me call him. Even though the conversation in itself was not that helpful. The fact that he cared enough to do that was though. And that he moves towards me when I show vulnerability is amazing to me. I can’t take it in quite. My experience is that anytime I show emotion, sadness, loneliness, anger, people move away. He doesn’t do that. When I said I wished he wasn’t going away, in my last session, he offered me that call. Nice. Different. When I was so hurt and angry, a few weeks ago, and I basically attacked him for a lot of the session, he offered me an extra session to keep dealing with that. Amazing.

I’ve not been wanting to eat anything but toast and sweets….but I managed to cook some fish anyway, and have it with rice and leftover veg. Excellent. When I’m struggling, food is one of the first things to become super difficult. But I know I need a lot of protein and veg to help with depression. So it’s mind over wishes for me. I still fit in the chocolate though.

I’ve been missing my daily walk. Daylight runs out so fast, and then I can’t make myself go. Tomorrow. First thing, I will go on my usual route, a half hour walk. Then I need to vacuum, tidy, do any prep I can for dinner. Dinner will be simple but tasty. Also I bought cheese we can have with wine, while it’s cooking.

The butcher was nice. There were a bunch of them, but I got a reassuring older man, full of confidence. He told me what kind of ham to buy, bone-in, he gave me a printed recipe for what to do with it ‘just warm in the oven basically’, pointed out some honey mustard I can use for a glaze. He was so certain I was doing the right thing buying this ham….It’s nice to talk to someone, instead of buying shrink-wrapped at the grocery store.

I would also have liked to buy the yellow tulips, cheerful for new years, but I had so many packages already by the time I saw them standing in their buckets in the veg store. And too many people were buying things. Often on holidays, I cannot stand to buy one single thing, not even groceries. Luckily today I could stand it, but I’d reached my limit by the time I saw the tulips. Sadly.

  1. Amanda said:

    The next time you're in the store, I hope you buy the tulips … you deserve lovely things in your life.I'm glad that Ron offered the phone call and I'm glad that it helped overall.I hope you also have a good time with your friends tomorrow – dinner sounds like it will be fantastic!

  2. Ruth said:

    Think of the tulips as bringing them home in your heart. You saw them and enjoyed them. Hope your day is awesome. Happy New Year

  3. Ellen said:

    @ Amanda – I'll do that Amanda, thanks. Happy New Year to you.@ Ruth – A nice thought Ruth. Happy New year!

  4. HubCats said:

    "And that he moves towards me when I show vulnerability is amazing to me. I can't take it in quite." I totally agree with this, and I think I know exactly what you mean. Well said. And I think you're wonderful, making a nice evening for yourself, for the holiday. Have a happy new year's.

  5. Paula said:

    I am with Amanda, get the tulips as the first thing next time to are at the store. Just to ensure to get them for you. Little bright yellow suns during this time of short daylight.I am glad you recognize that activities do help you out of lethargy. So important. I used to make a list what helped and when I could not be bothered to get going, moaning around, I took my list and re-read all the things that helped. Along the reading came the desire to ACT.Wishing you a 2012 full of choices and chances. HUgs, Paula

  6. di345 said:

    ((Ellen))I agree you should buy the yellow tulips next time. I always feel better when I have fresh flowers in the house and I don't buy them enough.The ham sounds delicious. I hope you have a nice evening with friends and enjoy new years.di

  7. Em said:

    yep im in agreement with the others, buy the little flowers of sunshine. will bring warmth to your home.you sound like your progressing in your therapy. im so glad. realising that when you bring emotions to anyone, they wont always put barriers up. im treading this path too. its interesting and im understanding this more, with reading your words. have a lovely dinner ellen. when you take your half an hour walk, make sure you walk past the veg shop. lets have a look at your beautiful significant flowers. xxx

  8. Harriet said:

    I hope that your dinner with friends was wonderful. Sounds like you know what you need and you are making an effort to do those things. Happy new year!

  9. Ellen said:

    Interesting how the missed opportunity of the yellow tulips resonated with a lot of you! Shows the kind of readers / commenters I have – oh you poetic flower loving types! thanks @ HubCats – Thanks Laura. Happy New Year to you!@ Paula – Well I'll have to get some tulips next time I see them so I can report back at least. I find having a basic routine, including a walk, is really helpful to me, so I don't have to think, which is where I can get bogged down. Hugs and happy new year @ di – The ham was actually very good, and we had a nice evening altogether. Happy new year!@ Em – I'm glad you're treading on that path also Em so you can relate. Hugs@ Harriet – The dinner was really good. Shopping the day before is the trick I think – cuts down on stress. happy new year to you too.

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