I’ve had somewhat disastrous group and therapy experiences this week, so I’m still recovering. Last night, when I kept waking up, I decided I was quitting the group and possibly quitting therapy. I really wanted the pain I was feeling to go away.
The good and bad of email is you can send them at four in the morning perfectly well. So I emailed Ron I was quitting the group and maybe therapy also. He basically responded we’ll talk about it when we meet. Huh. I was thinking we are not going to meet.
This morning, having drugged myself lightly so I got some sleep, things don’t seem as dire.
Once again my connection to Ron just seemed to sever entirely. That’s what it seemed like to me. And in the group, I was a bit aggressive and angry with one of the members. I’m not trying to hide when I say ‘a bit’….I said to her basically that I couldn’t relate to what she was talking about, and then, um, this is the not nice part, I implied it was not an important concern. And she got very mad. And she was crying. And I didn’t care. So I wasn’t being a caring person at all.
She was talking about how upset she was the group was ending. Well it’s starting again in January for Pete’s sake. I felt she was being fake. I didn’t say that. Then she said she was angry with me. And I didn’t care. But I didn’t say that either.
I’d been going through body memories, feeling suicidal, had a horrible day at work, and I didn’t have patience for this concern. I did say some of that also.
I didn’t feel too bad after the group actually. I seem to like expressing anger.
Then in my session, Ron took E’s side, basically, and said he thought I’d hurt her feelings.
Anyway, it seemed he didn’t like me. After all that talk about how we should express our real true honest feelings in the group. Right. So then I plunged into a kind of despair. I don’t care that much what E thinks, but I do care what Ron thinks.
So it’s been a little rough on the therapy front.