There’s so little light in Canada now. Today it seemed the light was grey milk. Some lightness around 10 in the morning….by 2, it seemed like dusk again, though the sun actually sets around 5:30. I guess the sun is so low in the sky, barely any light makes it’s way in.
Working from home today. I wish I’d taken my daily trundle around the block at 10. Instead I was trying to be more conscientious about working, so off I went to the library at 10. By the time I got to my walk, it was already like dusk.
I’m on the track of my tendency to dissociate. I’m noticing I do switch mood states kind of suddenly. Here is a thing that happens to me often, and today again. Today I woke up early, and luckily I could actually get up, so I did, and I wasn’t depressed, like I often am in the morning. My mind was pretty clear, and I was at my desk by 9. Organized, able to eat enough so I could last until lunch, showered and dressed. So off I went to the library, and did some work. Fine.
Work is very boring, so I alternate working with reading….OK. I’m in this kind of bright practical mood. There’s anxiety underneath it, which I can feel looming, but I ignore it. Anything to be functional, normal, able to do tasks.
I go off to the grocery store, like I planned. Yay. I take my walk. Yes. Nutritious lunch. Check.
After my walk, I’m hit with unbearable tiredness. If I can just rest for a moment. I’ll take my book, I’ll read, just lying down. Bang, I fall asleep. That troubled daytime sleep. Drugged and confused.
Two hours later, I get up. Now I’m no longer functional. I’m so depressed. Bad things are tugging at my mind, just out of reach. I feel like a bug crawling around the bottom of a bucket. Horrible.
I try to move around to start to feel better. What helped in the past? I can’t remember. I know I need to move around.
This state lasts now about three hours or so. I fall into this pattern over and over. It’s as if the nap lets me switch into a totally different emotional state. I don’t want to be here, but it’s as if I must be here.
Today I think of it like this for the first time. This is like a switch. I’m not switching personalities, I’m switching emotional states it seems like. They’re totally different and the seem separate – one is not slowly changing into the other. There is no slide into depression. I simply wake up into it. Day after day. Year after year. It’s not changing.
Usually I struggle with all my might to snap out of this depression, this mood, this way of being I can’t stand. I guess though it’s an important part of myself. It’s like a self I don’t want. A part of me that feels all the pain and sorrow, and almost can’t move for the sheer weight of it. The sheer blue weight of sorrow.