Blueness

There’s so little light in Canada now. Today it seemed the light was grey milk. Some lightness around 10 in the morning….by 2, it seemed like dusk again, though the sun actually sets around 5:30. I guess the sun is so low in the sky, barely any light makes it’s way in.

Working from home today. I wish I’d taken my daily trundle around the block at 10. Instead I was trying to be more conscientious about working, so off I went to the library at 10. By the time I got to my walk, it was already like dusk.

I’m on the track of my tendency to dissociate. I’m noticing I do switch mood states kind of suddenly. Here is a thing that happens to me often, and today again. Today I woke up early, and luckily I could actually get up, so I did, and I wasn’t depressed, like I often am in the morning. My mind was pretty clear, and I was at my desk by 9. Organized, able to eat enough so I could last until lunch, showered and dressed. So off I went to the library, and did some work. Fine.

Work is very boring, so I alternate working with reading….OK. I’m in this kind of bright practical mood. There’s anxiety underneath it, which I can feel looming, but I ignore it. Anything to be functional, normal, able to do tasks.

I go off to the grocery store, like I planned. Yay. I take my walk. Yes. Nutritious lunch. Check.

After my walk, I’m hit with unbearable tiredness. If I can just rest for a moment. I’ll take my book, I’ll read, just lying down. Bang, I fall asleep. That troubled daytime sleep. Drugged and confused.

Two hours later, I get up. Now I’m no longer functional. I’m so depressed. Bad things are tugging at my mind, just out of reach. I feel like a bug crawling around the bottom of a bucket. Horrible.

I try to move around to start to feel better. What helped in the past? I can’t remember. I know I need to move around.

This state lasts now about three hours or so. I fall into this pattern over and over. It’s as if the nap lets me switch into a totally different emotional state. I don’t want to be here, but it’s as if I must be here.

Today I think of it like this for the first time. This is like a switch. I’m not switching personalities, I’m switching emotional states it seems like. They’re totally different and the seem separate – one is not slowly changing into the other. There is no slide into depression. I simply wake up into it. Day after day. Year after year. It’s not changing.

Usually I struggle with all my might to snap out of this depression, this mood, this way of being I can’t stand. I guess though it’s an important part of myself. It’s like a self I don’t want. A part of me that feels all the pain and sorrow, and almost can’t move for the sheer weight of it. The sheer blue weight of sorrow.

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5 comments
  1. Ruth said:

    You describe it so well. Sorry to hear depression is nagging at you.

  2. i know what it's like to live under that weight of sorrow. you described it so perfectly. i'm sorry it has caught you, too. these grey days are bringing me down as well. with time and all that hard work in therapy the weight gets less and less. keep doing the work, it will pay off.

  3. erin said:

    the light for me is like a long slow walk. i have to focus on the moving.i understand you struggle and so i don't mean for this to sound light, but you are an extraordinary person.The sheer blue weight of sorrow. these words are yours? well, of course they are. they are absolutely precise.xoerin

  4. I hear ya with the depression. I am sorry you are struggling so badly. Safe hugs

  5. Ellen said:

    Thanks for the kind words Ruth. Better now. @ brave – thanks. I think the hard work will pay off, and I trust for you also. On a practical note, I use a blue light in the morning that does help quite a bit with this. Have you tried that? take care@ erin – That's a good way of putting it. Moving is always possible.Hey, I would never think you were light, in any bad sense. Anyone who thinks I'm extraordinary is clearly deep and full of truth. 🙂 Thank you I am flattered.Coming from a poet, that you like a turn of phrase of mine is very high praise. thank you Erin, take care @ JBR – thank you. I'm better for now. I'm glad you're recovering also. Blessings to you

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