Bad day

Time to use my blog for a little therapy. I feel terrible. Why so terrible? I had planned to meet my son for dinner, but couldn’t get out of the house. I got home from work, and fell into a doze, and then couldn’t get it together again to go out.

Transitioning from work is always difficult for me. I often feel I must go to sleep, and I easily fall into a light sleep, but then I can’t wake up properly and I feel trapped in strange feelings. So I try not to go to sleep, but sometimes I do anyway.

I guess I feel extremely tense after work, and sleeping gets me out of that tense feeling, but into another world of feeling very strange and a bit unreal.

I feel I’m letting people down because I can’t get it together.

Work didn’t go so well today. I had a meeting with my boss, almost first thing in the morning. I try to avoid morning meetings, as I am depressed in the mornings, but she is so busy that this was the only time. Nothing bad happened. However, I guess I was depressed and didn’t really realize, so I had trouble with my voice – it kind of shook, which bothered me. I know I came across as weird – shaky voice, uncertain, not normal. I was so embarrassed afterwards. And angry. Why does stuff like this happen to me? I wasn’t aware of being scared before the meeting.

I decided I have to go back to medicating before meetings anyway. So for my next meeting, that’s what I did. That one didn’t go well either, but at least my voice was normal and didn’t shake. This time, the client wasn’t that happy with the work I’d done. I don’t think it was a reflection on the quality of what I did though. He hadn’t even read it before the meeting. It was more that he hadn’t wanted changes to his document in the first place I think. So he commented that I’d really ‘carved up’ a section. Which made me angry.

Sometimes anger is good though. I didn’t express it, but got a lot more business like, and pointed out what I’d done for him and the like. It made me feel that no, I don’t deserve to be put down, I’ve done a good job in fact. He’d have preferred if I’d done very little, but that’s not my job. I do have a certain amount of belief in my abilities. As opposed to my looks or personality, where attacks instantly make me feel horrible, because I kind of agree with them.

But it was draining. I’d thought I had good rapport with this client, so having him not like what I’d done was disheartening.

Plus, and this is stupid, but here it is. I’ve lost a bit of weight, and it’s come off around my waist, so my pants no longer fit properly. I’ve bought two new pairs, but still wear the old. So without thinking, I put on one of my older pairs this morning. I added a belt. But once at work, I realized the belt also was now too big, and my darn pants were in danger of falling down altogether. They never actually fell down. But they were horribly baggy in the wrong places. Now at home, I’m wondering if I looked like a complete bag lady who couldn’t even organize her clothes.

Sigh. On a brighter note, the new jacket I bought is nice and I love wearing it. It’s perfect for the temperature right now, just above zero. In a few weeks, it will not be warm enough. It’s a blue grey colour that I like, and the material is modern – some kind of modern polyester, not the cheap old fashioned kind, but soft and kind of silky.

I had some ice cream to cheer up the kid. Who is a bit cheerier now.

My other tale of woe is an email I sent Ron Sunday night. It’s the only one I’ve sent all week, which is good. I told him how confused I was after the last session, wondering what had happened when I was a child, and how strange it had been to be thinking and speaking like a child. If my father had hurt me, what had he done? Then I just mentioned that he’d seemed to be eager for me to leave after the session. I wish I hadn’t mentioned that.

He wrote back right away. The only thing he responded to was that he hadn’t been eager for me to leave and ‘he was sorry if I felt he had’. The whole rest of it he ignored entirely. I was so hurt by his response. The reason for sending the email was to express how confused I’d been after the last session, how I was depressed about that.

I have found in my life often people will completely ignore things I say about my past because it makes them uncomfortable. I don’t press the issue, because I figure they can’t deal with it, and that’s OK. But Ron is my therapist. All I needed him to do was acknowledge he was hearing me.

I felt my whole connection to him sever. I actually saw it in my mind like a ripping apart of a seam, or duct tape, something that was held together coming apart. It was very very hurtful. I thought about quitting therapy, anything to make this pain go away.

After a few hours, I wrote him back an angry email. I didn’t give a f*** about whether he’d wanted me to leave more quickly or not. The whole point was the stuff about the session and my father. I’d been expecting some kind of sympathy or acknowledgment that this was a difficult situation. I was very very angry. I also said how hurt and depressed the email exchange made me and that I wished I hadn’t written. And  I asked for a reply, because he often doesn’t respond unless I request it.

I felt better after I mailed this, and was able to sleep. I got a response in  morning, which Ron had actually sent that night. He said that he was hearing me, it was important, but that it was very complicated and we needed to discuss it in my session.

OK, I felt better.  Why couldn’t he have said that in the first place? It was as if he was completely ignoring me. But I felt better again.

He has never before emailed me a response that was so uncaring. It’s uncharacteristic. He’s usually brief, but he usually acknowledges the main point.

I started wondering if it’s the stuff about my father that scared him or something. Putting this stuff in writing. He could be worried about this horrible false memory crapola….Say I was going to sue someone, and the emails were used, and he was accused of improper therapy causing me to make things up?

Well, this is wild imagining, but it does come to mind. Ron is very careful never to suggest anything – it all comes from me.

Or maybe he is sometimes completely out of it, and responds at random.

Anyway, I’m more or less over it. I’ll be more careful in future of emails though, as they can make me feel a lot worse, or they can provide relief. Hard to know which it will be.

So between letting people down, badness at work, and therapy worries….no wonder I get depressed.

  1. gniz said:

    Hi Ellen, Reading and listening. Ups and downs, ups and downs. Remember that the good times have been coming too and the work has been slowly paying off. Expressing your anger is good if you're someone who has a tendency to hold it all in.Hoping you're well.Aaron

  2. Ruth said:

    The picture is beautiful. I agree with Aaron that up and downs happen all the time. It is tough to come home from work so tired that you can't go out and be with your son or do something with a friend. Healthier often comes with stronger and better able to do things. Memories are complicated and I can understand your therapist wanting to put off the discussion for lots of reasons. I know my counselor preferred to deal with memories in person. Emails don't show your body language which gives clues to your reaction to what is happening. Trying to sort out what's what from old memories were some of my hardest sessions.

  3. louisey said:

    Hi Ellen — watch that weight loss, I have found sudden weight losses made me feel vulnerable.My gut feel is that Ron wants to discuss the key issue with you in a therapy session where he can respond and hear you more fully. Most therapists don't want to try and cope with critical revelations or painful material outside of therapy because the therapy session is where the work needs to be done, with full presence and attention. Is it possible he is just being professional and caring, wanting to deal with this material in the right place?

  4. Ellen, tried to post yesterday, but had trouble. So very sorry for your bad day. Here listening…..

  5. Ellen said:

    @ gniz – thank you. I do have a tendency to hold things in, so I guess it's probably good to express. It's true I have ups also…must remember. take care@ Ruth – Glad you like the pic! Almost winter but not quite yet….Yes, Ron wanted to talk in person. I'd just have appreciated if he'd said that, instead of saying nothing. Sorting out traumatic memories is excruciating. thanks for the comment@ louisey – The weight loss is OK, thanks for the concern though. I wasn't trying to lose it, but i was carrying a little extra around my middle, so don't miss it!Yes, Ron wanted to discuss in therapy. I like that you defend him, because he's a good guy. Just if he could have said that in his response, I wouldn't have felt completely dismissed. take care@ JBR – thank you šŸ™‚

  6. Harriet said:

    That does sound like a bad day. The part about your job and your confidence in your abilities is really good though. You handled that very well.I've had email experiences like that with my t too, and it is frustrating. For some reason they pick out one part of the email, which we don't consider the most important part. That's part of the reason I don't email anymore. I'd rather avoid saying what I feel than be hurt by a stupid email.

  7. Ellen said:

    Yeah, it was so frustrating. Often though I can't wait a week to communicate with Ron in person. And sometimes email provides a lot of relief, and he just says something like 'it sounds tough' and I feel comforted. So it's a mixed deal for me. Thanks for the encouragement Harriet.

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