Time to use my blog for a little therapy. I feel terrible. Why so terrible? I had planned to meet my son for dinner, but couldn’t get out of the house. I got home from work, and fell into a doze, and then couldn’t get it together again to go out.
Transitioning from work is always difficult for me. I often feel I must go to sleep, and I easily fall into a light sleep, but then I can’t wake up properly and I feel trapped in strange feelings. So I try not to go to sleep, but sometimes I do anyway.
I guess I feel extremely tense after work, and sleeping gets me out of that tense feeling, but into another world of feeling very strange and a bit unreal.
I feel I’m letting people down because I can’t get it together.
Work didn’t go so well today. I had a meeting with my boss, almost first thing in the morning. I try to avoid morning meetings, as I am depressed in the mornings, but she is so busy that this was the only time. Nothing bad happened. However, I guess I was depressed and didn’t really realize, so I had trouble with my voice – it kind of shook, which bothered me. I know I came across as weird – shaky voice, uncertain, not normal. I was so embarrassed afterwards. And angry. Why does stuff like this happen to me? I wasn’t aware of being scared before the meeting.
I decided I have to go back to medicating before meetings anyway. So for my next meeting, that’s what I did. That one didn’t go well either, but at least my voice was normal and didn’t shake. This time, the client wasn’t that happy with the work I’d done. I don’t think it was a reflection on the quality of what I did though. He hadn’t even read it before the meeting. It was more that he hadn’t wanted changes to his document in the first place I think. So he commented that I’d really ‘carved up’ a section. Which made me angry.
Sometimes anger is good though. I didn’t express it, but got a lot more business like, and pointed out what I’d done for him and the like. It made me feel that no, I don’t deserve to be put down, I’ve done a good job in fact. He’d have preferred if I’d done very little, but that’s not my job. I do have a certain amount of belief in my abilities. As opposed to my looks or personality, where attacks instantly make me feel horrible, because I kind of agree with them.
But it was draining. I’d thought I had good rapport with this client, so having him not like what I’d done was disheartening.
Plus, and this is stupid, but here it is. I’ve lost a bit of weight, and it’s come off around my waist, so my pants no longer fit properly. I’ve bought two new pairs, but still wear the old. So without thinking, I put on one of my older pairs this morning. I added a belt. But once at work, I realized the belt also was now too big, and my darn pants were in danger of falling down altogether. They never actually fell down. But they were horribly baggy in the wrong places. Now at home, I’m wondering if I looked like a complete bag lady who couldn’t even organize her clothes.
Sigh. On a brighter note, the new jacket I bought is nice and I love wearing it. It’s perfect for the temperature right now, just above zero. In a few weeks, it will not be warm enough. It’s a blue grey colour that I like, and the material is modern – some kind of modern polyester, not the cheap old fashioned kind, but soft and kind of silky.
I had some ice cream to cheer up the kid. Who is a bit cheerier now.
My other tale of woe is an email I sent Ron Sunday night. It’s the only one I’ve sent all week, which is good. I told him how confused I was after the last session, wondering what had happened when I was a child, and how strange it had been to be thinking and speaking like a child. If my father had hurt me, what had he done? Then I just mentioned that he’d seemed to be eager for me to leave after the session. I wish I hadn’t mentioned that.
He wrote back right away. The only thing he responded to was that he hadn’t been eager for me to leave and ‘he was sorry if I felt he had’. The whole rest of it he ignored entirely. I was so hurt by his response. The reason for sending the email was to express how confused I’d been after the last session, how I was depressed about that.
I have found in my life often people will completely ignore things I say about my past because it makes them uncomfortable. I don’t press the issue, because I figure they can’t deal with it, and that’s OK. But Ron is my therapist. All I needed him to do was acknowledge he was hearing me.
I felt my whole connection to him sever. I actually saw it in my mind like a ripping apart of a seam, or duct tape, something that was held together coming apart. It was very very hurtful. I thought about quitting therapy, anything to make this pain go away.
After a few hours, I wrote him back an angry email. I didn’t give a f*** about whether he’d wanted me to leave more quickly or not. The whole point was the stuff about the session and my father. I’d been expecting some kind of sympathy or acknowledgment that this was a difficult situation. I was very very angry. I also said how hurt and depressed the email exchange made me and that I wished I hadn’t written. And I asked for a reply, because he often doesn’t respond unless I request it.
I felt better after I mailed this, and was able to sleep. I got a response in morning, which Ron had actually sent that night. He said that he was hearing me, it was important, but that it was very complicated and we needed to discuss it in my session.
OK, I felt better. Why couldn’t he have said that in the first place? It was as if he was completely ignoring me. But I felt better again.
He has never before emailed me a response that was so uncaring. It’s uncharacteristic. He’s usually brief, but he usually acknowledges the main point.
I started wondering if it’s the stuff about my father that scared him or something. Putting this stuff in writing. He could be worried about this horrible false memory crapola….Say I was going to sue someone, and the emails were used, and he was accused of improper therapy causing me to make things up?
Well, this is wild imagining, but it does come to mind. Ron is very careful never to suggest anything – it all comes from me.
Or maybe he is sometimes completely out of it, and responds at random.
Anyway, I’m more or less over it. I’ll be more careful in future of emails though, as they can make me feel a lot worse, or they can provide relief. Hard to know which it will be.
So between letting people down, badness at work, and therapy worries….no wonder I get depressed.