I’ve been taking less medication at work and it’s working out pretty well so far. I was taking a beta blocker, a low dose, twice a day. It helps block out some of the internal ‘noise’ I experience so I can concentrate. Also, I felt it was helping me in my interactions with people, so I don’t seem so shy.
With the practice I’ve been having in therapy and in the group of being real and allowing myself to feel what I feel, I’ve felt less internal pressure somehow. It seemed more OK if my voice is different sometimes – hoarse, or raspy, or wispy. I’d still rather have a low, calm voice, but I’m less freaked out that I don’t have a consistent voice.
I would really like less depression, and the tranquilizers can make you depressed. Sometimes I’d be at work, and as I don’t sleep well, I might be really really tired, then on top of that, I take these tranquillizers…it doesn’t seem like the best idea.
Yesterday at work, I actually started to feel quite calm in the afternoon, sitting there working. Usually I just think about going home, going for a tea, trying to escape, but this time, I seemed to just sink into my chair, and there seemed nothing else urgent to do, so I might as well work. It was interesting I felt calm without any meds.
I went to a work meeting, unmedicated, and there was a lot of chit chat, and I froze, unable to think of a thing to say or how to be part of it. It was as if a wall shut my brain down. No medication to take the edge off. But what the heck – I’m not being paid to chit chat, though I have no objection to it. So I just sat those few minutes out, and it was OK. And I did say what I had to say fairly calmly, though my voice was hoarse. I guess that’s anxiety – I don’t have a cold. I have a fear that I will do something very strange, or attack someone, or be angry, if I don’t keep taking the medication. But that doesn’t seem to be happening. I feel a kind of OKness, which I know is from having someone to actually talk to who basically accepts me. I think I was floating before I knew Ron – kind of floating and not attached to anyone very strongly. Now I feel more tied to earth.
In that meeting, I was actually covered in glory, or as close as I get in my line of work, because I announced I was finishing my project a few weeks early, so was available for another project. Always looks good, and I took credit. Though between you and me, it was not a difficult project. They don’t know that. It’s not fair, because my co-worker got a very difficult, muddled project, and he is having trouble meeting their timelines, so he looks bad. But really, it’s a horrible project from the sounds of it. Life is not fair.
I’m walking around with more self-confidence at work. After all, they like my work. I’m getting stuff done early. I’m good at what I do. So I have, um, mental injuries. They don’t necessarily see that. OK, sometimes I am depressed and you can see that. But no one is that focused on me. I can be self-confident.