More med free than usual

I’ve been taking less medication at work and it’s working out pretty well so far. I was taking a beta blocker, a low dose, twice a day. It helps block out some of the internal ‘noise’ I experience so I can concentrate. Also, I felt it was helping me in my interactions with people, so I don’t seem so shy.

With the practice I’ve been having in therapy and in the group of being real and allowing myself to feel what I feel, I’ve felt less internal pressure somehow. It seemed more OK if my voice is different sometimes – hoarse, or raspy, or wispy. I’d still rather have a low, calm voice, but I’m less freaked out that I don’t have a consistent voice.

I would really like less depression, and the tranquilizers can make you depressed. Sometimes I’d be at work, and as I don’t sleep well, I might be really really tired, then on top of that, I take these tranquillizers…it doesn’t seem like the best idea.

Yesterday at work, I actually started to feel quite calm in the afternoon, sitting there working. Usually I just think about going home, going for a tea, trying to escape, but this time, I seemed to just sink into my chair, and there seemed nothing else urgent to do, so I might as well work. It was interesting I felt calm without any meds.

I went to a work meeting, unmedicated, and there was a lot of chit chat, and I froze, unable to think of a thing to say or how to be part of it. It was as if a wall shut my brain down. No medication to take the edge off. But what the heck – I’m not being paid to chit chat, though I have no objection to it. So I just sat those few minutes out, and it was OK. And I did say what I had to say fairly calmly, though my voice was hoarse. I guess that’s anxiety – I don’t have a cold. I have a fear that I will do something very strange, or attack someone, or be angry, if I don’t keep taking the medication. But that doesn’t seem to be happening. I feel a kind of OKness, which I know is from having someone to actually talk to who basically accepts me. I think I was floating before I knew Ron – kind of floating and not attached to anyone very strongly. Now I feel more tied to earth.

In that meeting, I was actually covered in glory, or as close as I get in my line of work, because I announced I was finishing my project a few weeks early, so was available for another project. Always looks good, and I took credit. Though between you and me, it was not a difficult project. They don’t know that. It’s not fair, because my co-worker got a very difficult, muddled project, and he is having trouble meeting their timelines, so he looks bad. But really, it’s a horrible project from the sounds of it. Life is not fair.

I’m walking around with more self-confidence at work. After all, they like my work. I’m getting stuff done early. I’m good at what I do. So I have, um, mental injuries. They don’t necessarily see that. OK, sometimes I am depressed and you can see that. But no one is that focused on me. I can be self-confident.

  1. Ruth said:

    Some times I use cough drops to help with the tightness in my voice. Especially during therapy when my voice wants to quit completely. Glad you are finding things that work for you.

  2. Paula said:

    Yeah, the impact your emotional work has. Getting grounded! There always will be such and such days, over time you become able to handle them better and better. So freaking proud of you!

  3. Ellen said:

    @ Ruth – I'll have to try that Ruth, thanks. @ JBR – Blessing to you also@ Paula – Yes getting grounded is huge. Thanks for being proud of me! It's good to see some progress.

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