I am on an emotional see-saw this weekend. In the background is just a dark dark vision of what it was like for me as a child. Childhood was a place where no one talked to me or noticed me really. Or else I was ridiculed. Just the darkness and loneliness of that – of having no one to depend on for any kind of help or support – has been coming into focus. I think through the feelings I get in the group – old feelings about the past.
It’s kind of hard to believe because the surface was good. My father was a successful academic. We had a house, there were music lessons, ballet lessons, swimming, skating. But things were emotionally bad enough that I’ve grown up with these huge splits in my personality. You don’t get that from a situation where there were maybe a few problems but it was basically OK. You get that from a really bad childhood situation.
Then I lost all trust in Ron once again, in the group and then in the session. This plunges me into despair. The way I can face this stuff in my past is through a connection to Ron. When I lose that I feel marooned on an ice flow in the Arctic wasteland. Not good.
Today for whatever reason I have again decided to trust. I feel I am again on a good path for me, I trust this therapist, I feel I am worthwhile and worth knowing. The world is a sunny warmer place. I’d like to stay in this place a while longer if I could manage it.