See-saw

I am on an emotional see-saw this weekend. In the background is just a dark dark vision of what it was like for me as a child. Childhood was a place where no one talked to me or noticed me really. Or else I was ridiculed. Just the darkness and loneliness of that – of having no one to depend on for any kind of help or support – has been coming into focus. I think through the feelings I get in the group – old feelings about the past.

It’s kind of hard to believe because the surface was good. My father was a successful academic. We had a house, there were music lessons, ballet lessons, swimming, skating. But things were emotionally bad enough that I’ve grown up with these huge splits in my personality. You don’t get that from a situation where there were maybe a few problems but it was basically OK. You get that from a really bad childhood situation.

Then I lost all trust in Ron once again, in the group and then in the session. This plunges me into despair. The way I can face this stuff in my past is through a connection to Ron. When I lose that I feel marooned on an ice flow in the Arctic wasteland. Not good.

Today for whatever reason I have again decided to trust. I feel I am again on a good path for me, I trust this therapist, I feel I am worthwhile and worth knowing. The world is a sunny warmer place. I’d like to stay in this place a while longer if I could manage it. 

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5 comments
  1. Ruth said:

    Must be the month for the highs and lows. I seem to be experiencing my own highs and lows. I am glad you are back to feeling like you can trust your therapist. That will help stabilize other feelings.

  2. Harriet said:

    Many families look "normal" and functional on the outside, but no one really knows what goes on inside. Your childhood sounds so painful, to have no one talking to you or noticing you, and being ridiculed? I just don't understand parents sometimes. Frequently parents screw up their kids unintentionally, just by being the people that they are (in my case), but the ones that are purposely abusive to their kids – I really don't get it.I'm glad you are trusting Ron again.

  3. Dear one I am sorry for your upbringing and what was done to you. Here listening and sending safe hugs your way.

  4. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. It's like a rollercoaster ride isn't it? Sometimes I just close my eyes and hang on.

  5. Ellen said:

    @ Ruth – November does tend to be a gloomy month – sorry you also are going up and down. At least there are ups? take care@ Harriet – It was very painful, thanks Harriet. I don't know that my parents were purposely abusive – what parents are really. They were trying to feel better themselves, and repeating patterns basically. There's degrees though – and mine weren't the worst, but they certainly damaged me a lot. I'm actually feeling how it was…@ JBR – thank you JBR. hugs to you@ NWNMG – Close eyes and hang on – good and easy to remember for bad emotional spaces! thanks

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