I am covered in gloom. I can’t remember my therapy session well, except that Ron had lots of theories, but I’ll describe bits of it. He looks very well rested today, and he’s in intellectual mode, which I hate. Oh to have him unshaven, with dark circled eyes, and in empathy mode.
E. Did you get new reading glasses? (They’re on the little table beside his chair.)
R. No, no I’ve had these for a long time.
E. I thought they were red.
E. Are you sure…..
R. grinning. Yes, I’m sure.
E. Maybe because you have them on by your desk (away from the window), and the light is orangy there…
R. So you were lonely after the group?
I’d sent Ron an email after the group. I wish I hadn’t.
E. I don’t connect with anyone in the group. They all have complex emotional problems that take a long time to explain. My issues aren’t that complex.
R. Last time you said you’d felt connected to A. And when you talked in the group before, you said you felt good about it.
E. I suppose….There’s no room to talk in your group. I can’t just interrupt. Y hadn’t talked ever, I couldn’t interrupt him.
R. You said you caught my eye one time. I actually looked at you a lot last night. I thought I’d caught your eye twice actually. You know, you feel like I no longer care about you when you’re in the group? But there’s a lot more connection there for you if you want it.
E. I do feel you no longer care about me when I’m in the group.
R. You said it’s the teenager who goes. Does it remind you of high school?
E. It reminds me of my family. When my father would ignore me.
R. Even worse.
E. Yeah. You know how I said that suicidal voice gets going in the group….it wasn’t as bad last night. It was there a bit, but not as much. But when I got home, I really heard it a lot. I felt really depressed.
R. What does that voice say?
E. I want to kill myself.
E. I don’t know.
R. Have you tried asking.
E. Yes. That’s all I know. But that was the part that was speaking last time I was here.
R. And she had a lot more to say. She is angry. I think this part of you has been angry for a very long time, and has not been received. She hasn’t been heard, so her solution is to kill herself.
Sit in silence.
R. What is happening?
E. I feel bad.
R. What kind of bad?
E. Bad. I feel the knife feeling, at my belly button.
E. I feel angry.
R. Speak from that place. What do you want to say.
E. Well, you seem fake. And like you think you’re better than me.
R. What do you need me to do.
E. I don’t know. That’s not really how I feel. A part of me feels that.
R. Speak about how you really feel.
Now I’m confused. A part of me really feels this. Another part doesn’t. Silence….
E. Now I feel like I’m being threatened….
R. That’s part of it.
I struggle with this for a while without getting anywhere. I feel bits of anger with Ron, but can’t really get into it.
E. Now I hear the suicidal voice….Why do I hear that?
Ron has been speaking. Some theory about connection.
E. What were you saying?
R. Shall I repeat it? You struggle with connection….(I actually can’t remember what he said.)
E. Work is really hard for me. No one talks to me, almost. And sometimes I talk, and end up with a strange childish tone of voice. Yesterday these young co-workers made fun of me…
R. So you’re in these parts….The kid, the teenager, the ten year old. And the kid is the most seperate, is that right?
I just look at him. I’m not sure.
R. You could talk about these parts in the group. And the suicidal voice.
E. I’m not going to do that. (outraged). No one else does that. Why do I have to?
R. Everyone does have parts of themselves. For instance, I may have a vulnerable part, and a more confident part of my personality. Not as separate as for you though. The way you grew up, you had to create those divisions, they’re not integrated into your personality. It helped you survive.
Sit in silence.
R. What’s happening?
E. I’m thinking about this parts situation. It’s not good.
I’m actually surprised he believes in these parts. My impression was he didn’t.
We talk some more about the group, and how I can ‘survive’ it better.
R. You have a belief that you will never be received….that you will always be rejected. The group is a way to start changing that belief…
It’s almost time to leave.
Ron starts talking again about the theory of the group, how it can be helpful. I have stopped listening. I feel overwhelmed by black sad feelings. I tell him I don’t want to keep listening to him. I get up, grab my purse and coat, and leave. I say thank you. He says take care.
Not the most successful session ever.
Sometimes Ron seems really present, and kind of feeling with me. Today he was more like a brain. He was saying the right things, but I never felt that connection that I really want. That feeling that there is another human being in the room who cares. Maybe my anger from last time, my hatred of his group, is too much for him. It must have some effect, yet he never lets on. Maybe.