Therapy Friday

I am covered in gloom. I can’t remember my therapy session well, except that Ron had lots of theories, but I’ll describe bits of it. He looks very well rested today, and he’s in intellectual mode, which I hate. Oh to have him unshaven, with dark circled eyes, and in empathy mode.

E. Did you get new reading glasses? (They’re on the little table beside his chair.)

R. No, no I’ve had these for a long time.

E. I thought they were red.

R. No….

E. Are you sure…..

R. grinning. Yes, I’m sure.

E. Maybe because you have them on by your desk (away from the window), and the light is orangy there…

R. So you were lonely after the group?

I’d sent Ron an email after the group. I wish I hadn’t.

E. I don’t connect with anyone in the group. They all have complex emotional problems that take a long time to explain. My issues aren’t that complex.

R. Last time you said you’d felt connected to A. And when you talked in the group before, you said you felt good about it.

E. I suppose….There’s no room to talk in your group. I can’t just interrupt. Y hadn’t talked ever, I couldn’t interrupt him.

R. You said you caught my eye one time. I actually looked at you a lot last night. I thought I’d caught your eye twice actually. You know, you feel like I no longer care about you when you’re in the group? But there’s a lot more connection there for you if you want it.

E. I do feel you no longer care about me when I’m in the group.

R. You said it’s the teenager who goes. Does it remind you of high school?

E. It reminds me of my family. When my father would ignore me.

R. Even worse.

E. Yeah. You know how I said that suicidal voice gets going in the group….it wasn’t as bad last night. It was there a bit, but not as much. But when I got home, I really heard it a lot. I felt really depressed.

R. What does that voice say?

E. I want to kill myself.

R. Why.

E. I don’t know.

R. Have you tried asking.

E. Yes. That’s all I know. But that was the part that was speaking last time I was here.

R. And she had a lot more to say. She is angry. I think this part of you has been angry for a very long time, and has not been received. She hasn’t been heard, so her solution is to kill herself.

Sit in silence.

R. What is happening?

E. I feel bad.

R. What kind of bad?

E. Bad. I feel the knife feeling, at my belly button.

Silence…

E. I feel angry.

R. Speak from that place. What do you want to say.

E. Well, you seem fake. And like you think you’re better than me.

R. What do you need me to do.

E. I don’t know. That’s not really how I feel. A part of me feels that.

R. Speak about how you really feel.

Now I’m confused. A part of me really feels this. Another part doesn’t. Silence….

E. Now I feel like I’m being threatened….

R. That’s part of it.

I struggle with this for a while without getting anywhere. I feel bits of anger with Ron, but can’t really get into it.

E. Now I hear the suicidal voice….Why do I hear that?

Ron has been speaking. Some theory about connection.

E. What were you saying?

R. Shall I repeat it? You struggle with connection….(I actually can’t remember what he said.)

E. Oh.

E. Work is really hard for me. No one talks to me, almost. And sometimes I talk, and end up with a strange childish tone of voice. Yesterday these young co-workers made fun of me…

R. So you’re in these parts….The kid, the teenager, the ten year old. And the kid is the most seperate, is that right?

I just look at him. I’m not sure.

R. You could talk about these parts in the group. And the suicidal voice.

E. I’m not going to do that. (outraged). No one else does that. Why do I have to?

R. Everyone does have parts of themselves. For instance, I may have a vulnerable part, and a more confident part of my personality. Not as separate as for you though. The way you grew up, you had to create those divisions, they’re not integrated into your personality. It helped you survive.

Sit in silence.

R. What’s happening?

E. I’m thinking about this parts situation. It’s not good.

I’m actually surprised he believes in these parts. My impression was he didn’t.

We talk some more about the group, and how I can ‘survive’ it better.

R. You have a belief that you will never be received….that you will always be rejected. The group is a way to start changing that belief…

It’s almost time to leave.

Ron starts talking again about the theory of the group, how it can be helpful. I have stopped listening. I feel overwhelmed by black sad feelings. I tell him I don’t want to keep listening to him. I get up, grab my purse and coat, and leave. I say thank you. He says take care.

Not the most successful session ever.

Sometimes Ron seems really present, and kind of feeling with me. Today he was more like a brain. He was saying the right things, but I never felt that connection that I really want.  That feeling that there is another human being in the room who cares. Maybe my anger from last time, my hatred of his group, is too much for him. It must have some effect, yet he never lets on. Maybe.

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7 comments
  1. gniz said:

    I don't know, somehow this all seems very healthy to me. You letting out that anger and hurt and betrayal to Ron. To put the annoying intellectual spin on it, it would seem that by allowing your anger and hurt to come out at Ron, maybe it heals that part of you which was never allowed to express itself as a child.I think Ron wants to help you let it out. Some of it is misplaced stuff from childhood. I think what gets confusing is that occasionally some of it is real stuff about your current therapeutic relationship. But how to parse it all out and figure what's current and what's old? Maybe it doesn't really matter.What matters is starting to learn on an emotional level that you can be yourself, you can let out the anger and pain and raw emotions and still be accepted in this world.You can. You do it here. Yes it's not quite the same but it's a start. So is the space of therapy. Eventually you can do it more and more places and be more and more who you really are. Still reading Ellen, still "listening". :)Aaron

  2. Ellen said:

    Hi Aaron. I'm glad you see it that way, because i do also. The next day. The day of, I'm in it too much, and I don't see the good aspect. You are never annoying, and you are allowed to be as intellectual as you please as far as I'm concerned. Just Ron gets hammered for that. He actually had a lot more theoretical things that he said, but I couldn't take them in, so haven't reproduced them here. That is exactly what Ron wants to do. I'm kind of wondering if I do need to get angry with him – couldn't I get mad at the people who hurt me? But it's kind of happening like this. So I both like and respect him, and end up furious with him and feeling he is causing me all kinds of pain. It's a confusing situation.I'm so glad you're still reading. I appreciate the kind words and insights.

  3. inamaze said:

    It sounds like this was an emotional session for you. I think it's good you can let some of this out with Ron. It's good that he wants to hear what all of your parts have to say. That they can have a voice. As painful as it all is I think you are doing good work.

  4. Every session I go to, brings out more of the "real" me. Even if I think the session was not good or I thought I said something stupid or should not have. Always beneficial, I am learning now. By your writing of this session, it seemed a bit more emotional. More in touch with your feelings. You are on the right track Ellen. Safe hugs.

  5. Ellen said:

    @ inamaze – Thanks :-)@ JBR – Not sure if you mean the writing is more emotional or the session? The session was emotional but more in an imploding kind of a way. I actually left early at the end instead of crying or screaming in frustration! take care

  6. Candycan said:

    Sounds like Ron has been doing some research and is getting to understand your parts. That must be a good thing at least although I'm sorry you didn't feel connected. Those kinds of sessions are the worst.

  7. Ellen said:

    @ candycan – Maybe he has been doing research, I have no idea. I know he used to talk to the parts, but then he stopped doing that. So then I thought he thought I was making them up. It's a little confusing. thanks Candycan

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