I’m still trying to get a grip on why I got so angry and distressed by my last group and therapy session. And yesterday, again, I exchanged emails with Ron and again got angry and sent an angry reply. Why oh why oh why.
At this moment I don’t feel angry. Instead I feel a lot of sorrow that I may have damaged my relationship to my therapist. He provides support and I don’t want to give that up at all, just so I can vent, knowing he will not strike back.
What’s making this whole situation worse is that I’m once again kind of isolated. I feel so bad after therapy on Friday that it takes me the weekend to recover, so I don’t make the effort to connect with friends. At least, this weekend I didn’t. Friends are a kind of reality check sometimes, a break from letting stuff go round and round in my pitiful lonely mind.
I did go out Saturday night to dinner with a social group that formed out of a group I used to go to. It was OK. There were only three of us, and I was still pretty shaken by my therapy. The other two people there had anxiety issues. One woman, V, likes to talk, and was talking about her stuff. The conversation shifted to parents. I said I was estranged from mine, that I’d been abused as a child, and they didn’t help me, so to hell with them. OK, still angry clearly…..
V asked me what kind of abuse…emotional, physical. Sexual, I said. And both dinner mates were clearly shocked. But I felt like saying it. I’ve barely spoken to anyone about it outside of therapy, and they were discussing their issues – why do I have to keep mine to myself. But I know it’s a heavy piece of information to throw into a fun type dinner. They changed the subject and we talked about other things. But I did feel more free and stronger for saying it. It was a really distinct feeling that I wasn’t expecting.
Anyhow, that was my social interaction for the entire weekend, including Friday which was a day off from work. I’ve been mulling things over and fretting by my lonesome since.
Back to why I felt angry. Hmmm….why oh why. The group was triggering. Because I am remembering how it felt to be treated as if I was invisible when I was a teenager. It felt awful. Just the suggestion that Ron might be doing the same thing to me I think was enough to send me into a tailspin of anger and fear.
It’s almost a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am not outgoing in the group. Or at least, I’m not that rewarding. I don’t smile, and probably don’t seek out eye contact as much as others. So Ron would get used to not looking at me much, as I don’t look back.
Then I have this issue where someone whom I like, who likes me, say a friend, then introduces me to other friends, who then don’t like me. So the original friend then sees me differently. I had this happen with a close friend, and it really hurt me. I am afraid the same kind of thing is going to happen in the group. A few people have mentioned that they don’t feel connected to me (well, two), and I fear that Ron, who seemed to like me when I saw him one on one, will no longer see my good points. It’s a group issue for sure.
I have to remember that one person did say she felt connected to me – A. There you go.
Then there was the jealousy factor. This one is painful to write about. The massive connection between A and Ron, and the huge concern he shows for her. And she seems to absolutely adore him. Oh dear.
She is very pretty. And very young, in her early twenties. I kind of wonder how long she has been seeing Ron for therapy. The first months can be like falling in love. She could still be in that phase. Maybe I’ll ask her next time how long she’s been seeing him.
The thing is, I also feel connected to A, as we have similar issues, while I don’t feel that for anyone else in the group. They seem like foreign continents to me. So I am also glad she has Ron’s support.
What else. The fact is, though I can freely air my complaints in therapy, Ron never actually admits to anything whatsoever. He keeps encouraging me to continue, but he never actually addresses anything. For instance. When I say that at the end of the group, he only supported A, and talked only to her, and was using my troubles to help her, and that he only cared about her…..He said he was sorry if I felt he hadn’t been taking care of me also, and that it is his job to take care of both of us. So he’s sorry I feel the way I do. Nothing about what actually was going on.
Ah well. Sorry to go on about boring interactions with people you don’t know.
I am now pondering whether to once again write Ron an email to at least patch things up. I hate to leave a whole week to go by with an angry email from me to which he never responded. Or should I let things settle. I can’t decide. My anxiety will likely decide for me. If I can keep calm and balanced about it, I won’t write. If I’m freaking out and waking up every two hours all night….I’ll write again to try and get some piece of mind. As long as he replies, I will feel better.