Group is bad

I am back from my bad horrible and no good group.

So I’d figured out that one reason I have such extreme trouble sitting in that group for an hour and a half is trust issues – I’m not trusting Ron to not abandon me. Well, he does that and I’m right not to trust.

I feel pretty devastated right now. I’ve been crying, and I sent him an angry email. I wasn’t talking much this time, as people wanted to discuss their previous issues of D sitting to close to E on the subway. Whatever. After a while, I burst out with my opinion, which was that E was being self-righteous, and I didn’t see that what D had done was so bad. Then E talked about her history of having trouble saying no to men….

I was the bad guy, not sympathetic. Fine. I was trying to catch Ron’s eye, just once, but I couldn’t. He just wouldn’t look at me at all. So I sat there, getting more and more afraid, wanting to leave, thinking about killing myself. I almost bolted out the door a couple of times, but kept making myself stay, and it hurt.

Then A talked about how she felt connected to me because of what I’d talked about last time, about trauma, and then that she’d been having flashbacks herself to being abused. She was really emotional, and I was really numb, but it was nice to hear she felt connected. I asked her a bit about what she was experiencing, and she told me. We were talking, then Ron broke in with his views on trauma. Then A and Ron gazed at each other for a long time. He said he’d talk to her afterwards about meeting again to discuss this.

Ron paid no attention to me whatsoever. I was of interest because I am triggering A to remember some stuff. He would not look at me at all.

This really hurts. I thought he cared about me, and he doesn’t. He never looked at me, he never talked to me nor mentioned my name once. It was as if I was invisible.

I left to go home a few minutes early, as I was panicking completely. Now I’ve been crying and in some flashbacks as well.

Really, what is the point of this? I depend on Ron to care about me to a dreadful extent, because he knows about my flashbacks and history and he acts as if he cares and it’s so important to me. Being abandoned like that in his group hurts a lot.

  1. So many dynamics, I think I would be overwhelmed. I freak out in couples therapy, nevermind a group setting. Please go easy on yourself

  2. di345 said:

    ((Ellen))I just read both your last two post at the same time and I'm sorry group was so triggering. I hope that you go to your session today and talk to Ron about what happened and he is able to validate your feelings. I think group with my personal T would be so difficult for the reasons that you keep talking about. Take care of yourself and let us know how your are doing.di

  3. Ruth said:

    Sounds like a tough day. I know that I have trouble with group therapy. So many needs to meet and I have so many of my own. One nice thing that came out of the group I was in that now I have a really good friend that we have stayed friends long past the group therapy. I agree with di about checking in with Ron and talking to him about your reaction. Sorry that it was so tough.

  4. Paula said:

    Big hug, sorry you have had a rough time in group.I feel it is much more important that you DONT abandon yourself? Can you trust yourself that you do not abandon yourself?I think you have done wonderful not running off. For me it takes guts to voice an opinion knowing that most probably none or few agree with! Reflecting form what I know of you from a year ago – Ellen, give yourself a break, you have improved so much. A year ago I would not have seen you attending group therapy, not speaking up there or at a meeting!!! Hugs up North

  5. sorry you are feeling so rough. i hope you can work it out with ron. i'm feeling a bit rejected by my therapist this week, and it's very painful. feel better soon, c.

  6. I did not fit in with my group either. I left after ten weeks. After getting over the guilt of leaving and talking it over with my t., I learned that group "is not" for everyone. Ellen, I am sorry for your struggles with your group. Hope you will be able to share this with Ron. Safe hugs.

  7. Candycan said:

    Yikes, it sounds awful! I hope you can tell Ron how he is making you feel. I wonder why he is doing that and if he realises the impact it's having on you. You're very brave for sticking at it.

  8. Ellen said:

    Wow thanks everyone. @ NWNMG – Yes, there are a lot of dynamics. Does remind me of your couples' situation. thanks@ di – thanks di. This situation was the one and only topic in my therapy session. Once I'd sent that email, we definitely had to discuss. take care@ Ruth – Good to hear about your own experience with group Ruth. The friend thing is so important. Yes, we discussed this and of course everything is more complicated than it seems at first. take care@ Paula – Not abandoning myself would be important also. I'm not keen on Ron abandoning me either though. Thanks for the compliment. It's difficult to say things people don't want to hear, but it's also a relief to say it and feel authentic. take care@ catherine – thanks. I'm sorry you are also feeling rejected by the T. Yep, it feels really bad. take care@ JBR – thanks for telling me about your group experience JBR. I didn't know you ever went. I don't' know if it's for me or not. I was sure it wasn't, but now I feel somewhat better about it. take care@ Candycan – It was awful. Direct and to the point. 🙂 Things turn out to be complicated…thanks for the compliment. take care

  9. Harriet said:

    Ellen – it sounds like such a difficult situation. I don't know how you do this every week, but I guess you have to trust Ron that this is helpful for you. Although it sounds like you are not too trusting of him after this session. I'm so sorry…{{{hugs}}}

  10. Ellen said:

    Thank you Harriet. I appreciate your support. Actually, the group is helpful to me, but I can't see it at the time. At the moment I'm thinking it's actually good for me. take care

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: