I am back from my bad horrible and no good group.
So I’d figured out that one reason I have such extreme trouble sitting in that group for an hour and a half is trust issues – I’m not trusting Ron to not abandon me. Well, he does that and I’m right not to trust.
I feel pretty devastated right now. I’ve been crying, and I sent him an angry email. I wasn’t talking much this time, as people wanted to discuss their previous issues of D sitting to close to E on the subway. Whatever. After a while, I burst out with my opinion, which was that E was being self-righteous, and I didn’t see that what D had done was so bad. Then E talked about her history of having trouble saying no to men….
I was the bad guy, not sympathetic. Fine. I was trying to catch Ron’s eye, just once, but I couldn’t. He just wouldn’t look at me at all. So I sat there, getting more and more afraid, wanting to leave, thinking about killing myself. I almost bolted out the door a couple of times, but kept making myself stay, and it hurt.
Then A talked about how she felt connected to me because of what I’d talked about last time, about trauma, and then that she’d been having flashbacks herself to being abused. She was really emotional, and I was really numb, but it was nice to hear she felt connected. I asked her a bit about what she was experiencing, and she told me. We were talking, then Ron broke in with his views on trauma. Then A and Ron gazed at each other for a long time. He said he’d talk to her afterwards about meeting again to discuss this.
Ron paid no attention to me whatsoever. I was of interest because I am triggering A to remember some stuff. He would not look at me at all.
This really hurts. I thought he cared about me, and he doesn’t. He never looked at me, he never talked to me nor mentioned my name once. It was as if I was invisible.
I left to go home a few minutes early, as I was panicking completely. Now I’ve been crying and in some flashbacks as well.
Really, what is the point of this? I depend on Ron to care about me to a dreadful extent, because he knows about my flashbacks and history and he acts as if he cares and it’s so important to me. Being abandoned like that in his group hurts a lot.