I’m back from group. I’m really using this blog to cope lately. But that’s OK.

This time I talked right at the start, in an effort to feel more connected to the group. Unfortunately I’d had a really anxious day at work, and by the afternoon, I was so anxious I was actually feeling afraid all the time. I know when I’m like that I shouldn’t try to work – that is, concentrate on details, because that makes the fear worse. On the other hand, there was nothing else to do. So I took a half a xanax so at least I wouldn’t be completely afraid.

Then home, lie down in the dark and think of nothing, then I had to go to the group. Fear fear fear. Another half a xanax. So by the time I got to the group, the fear was down to a dull roar, but I was feeling kind of drugged.

So I talked, but I didn’t feel much. I talked about how I was not feeling connected to the group, and how I’d felt bad after the last one, and wanted to quit. I talked about work, and how I was feeling I had to cope with the group the same way I have to cope with work, and it just seems a bit too much to cope with.

E. commented that she found me difficult to connect with – I didn’t make a lot of eye contact and seemed remote.

So then I felt bad about that.

I talked about how I feel different from other people. Because so much of my life is going through these flashbacks or memories, just dealing with that, that I feel I don’t share a lot in common with other people. And how at work, I’ll sometimes have these memories going through my mind, for instance after an intense therapy session, and how that takes up a lot of my attention, and then I’m not that available to other people, and then they get used to me being remote, and they get used to not interacting with me.

Then R. asked about the trauma – what was it. So I said I was raped as a young child, but I blocked it out, and it comes back in these bits and pieces that are confusing and hard to understand.

Then R. said something about how I didn’t seem to want to talk about it. So I said what happens is I re-experience it if I talk about it, and I didn’t think that would be helpful to me to do that.

Ron said what would happen if I did.

I asked him if that was what he recommended? Because I didn’t think it would be a good thing.

I kind of wish I could have felt the emotions of this conversation more. Because it was a kind of a relief to talk about it, but I didn’t feel a lot of emotion. The downside of drugging yourself.

After that, the conversation went off in different directions. It got kind of nasty at the end, with E. accusing D. of being insensitive and flirting and breaking confidentiality while going home on the subway. Which led to other nastiness….

I don’t know. I just felt bad because no one thinks of flirting with me. And of course A., the beautiful young suicidal girl, was also pulled into the flirting / sex discussion.

I don’t care. These are all young folks and they all think about themselves and who is attractive, who they are drawn to, and it’s not me. So I don’t care about this.

I’d say I took up about half an hour of the group’s time. Which was fine. I felt a relief at first. Then the old feelings of being left out resurfaced. I started thinking more and more about killing myself – that’s a voice actually, but it gets loud in the group. I thought about leaving the room, but I stayed.

Why should I think about killing myself while sitting in the group? It’s like I start feeling alone and ignored pretty soon after the focus is no longer on me.

My best guess is it reminds me of my family. They pretended I was invisible – the group triggers that feeling. Because a lot of them are younger, they’re not too interested in me. I guess I seem boring. At least that’s how I feel.

Also I’m a little dissociated. Feeling a bit blank, with a line across my pelvis. 

So I’m better than last time, but not great. I wonder if this group is doing me any good at all. If it could help me fit in at work, that would be really good though.

It’s also interesting that people will talk about how the feel about other people. That is outside of my experience – to talk directly to the person about some negative feeling. Or even positive feelings, or observations. That’s interesting. I’d like to learn how to do that.

  1. gniz said:

    Ellen, I wrote a much longer comment but ultimately decided to rewrite it because I don't think it was a helpful comment. Suffice it to say that I conjured up some anger at what I feel your father did to you all those years back when he ignored you and made you feel less than.But anger is just fear and hurt and sadness. It's sad to think of what I remember being done to me, and what I've seen done to others. It's sad that there are innocent children who get victimized emotionally and physically by adults. Some children are lucky enough to be protected and some are unlucky.You may have been unlucky in some ways Ellen. But you are lucky in one way. You were graced with a brave heart. I know you don't feel very brave, but you are in fact. I am, as always, inspired. Keep listening to that inner voice and never let someone make you feel less than. Because I think you're one heck of a person.

  2. Just found your blog & after reading a few posts it's clear you are a very strong lady… Your posts are honest and open, and writing in your blog as a way to cope is brilliant – I've found it very therapeutic myself. I'll check back soon to see how you're getting on & read more – love your blog. X

  3. Ellen said:

    @ gniz – thanks Aaron, I do appreciate it. I was so touched by your comment as it came when I was feeling kind of low. I wish you'd sent both comments though….but I know you are very painstaking in what you say. It's great to have you 'in my corner'.I wonder if anger is always fear and sadness…Sometimes it is. Sometimes I think it's also it's own emotion. I am sorry that my sorry triggers your own feelings about your past. But it does allow you to empathize…Thanks for the compliment. You're right, I don't feel brave because I am so afraid a lot of the time. But still, now you say it this way, I can see how you could look at it as courage, so thanks 🙂 I am brave. At times. Take care now@ Hannah – Very nice to meet you Hannah and thanks for the comment. So glad you found it therapeutic, that makes me happy.

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